Lenny & Larry’s Pumpkin Spice Protein Cookie

Confession: I am not over pumpkin spice. I know, it’s February. I should be expounding upon the next flavor of the month, like whatever post-prandial sugary delight we’re supposed to foist upon President’s Day. Hamilton Herbs de Provence? The abhorrent mint-infused flash in the pan come St. Paddy’s Day? Fuck no, give me red velvet and give me pumpkin spice or give me death. That’s all I want. Winter is a dearth of seasonal flavors; starting with peppermint and rum raisin and ending with the lukewarm return to all things watermelon at the start of April.IMG_20160217_182652268_HDR Continue reading “Lenny & Larry’s Pumpkin Spice Protein Cookie”

Prantl’s Burnt Almond Torte, Proteined Up

Pittsburgh, you have so much good, weird food. Burgers? Check. Pizza? Hell yes. Dessert? For the love of god, are you Alanis Morrisette? Because I am aware of the irony of going on a 3mi hike through town and then sniffing around Prantl’s. Not okay, Steel City, not okay. In any case, snarfing a single-sized burnt almond torte, arguably the specialty of Pittsburgh, in four sittings gave me an interesting idea when a package from Quest arrived late last week. The cake on the package of the vanilla almond crunch bar looked strikingly similar to my favorite, albeit nutritionally devoid cake. Could I make it and add an assload of protein? I absolutely could.DSC_2742 Continue reading “Prantl’s Burnt Almond Torte, Proteined Up”

Nutrex Research Muscle Infusion Black Vanilla Villain

Nutrex bills this as the best underground bodybuilding protein powder. Yeah, and the Vitamin Shoppe is all in Tyler Durden’s head. Aside from being the worst/most hilarious marketing campaign to hit the shelves- personally, I think “Nutrex Research” sounds more sinister at face value than “Muscle Infusion Black”, this stuff is clean. wpid-wp-1426514593246.jpeg25g’s in the blend, 130 calories, and seven different proteins, although they will not list those proteins. That is the extent of their evil genius, though, and it is one that goes well with fruit and deadlifts. The sole complaint? It smells awful. Like, stale gym locker awful. When mixed with liquid, the odor goes away immediately- it isn’t Cellucor’s cupcake and ass-kicking excitement, but don’t let it deter you from trying it out.wpid-wp-1426514536706.jpegI mean, look at that. This powder incorporates better than a Delaware filing clerk who has just received a fifty-year service award. The red cup clashes with her pink undertones, but for two cups of raspberries, three scoops of protein, i-Satori BioGro, whole milk yogurt, and a can of raspberry seltzer, it is smoother than Kenny G on a Slip ‘n’ Slide. With solely milk and water it also mixes well, with a Nesquik-like effect. Or Quik, if you’re still young and have your best years ahead of you.wpid-wp-1426514577560.jpegFrankly, this stuff is masquerading as a bad guy but is truly ridonkulous. Yeah, that’s right, 2007, I’m taking back the slang that  was never allowed to use as a teenager. Vanilla Villain, you are not fighting The Hulk, nor have you turned me into a super-villain, although I have woken up in the morning to piles of jewels and gold bars that I had not owned or claimed as taxable income before. (Results may vary.)

You are so secretly good, secretly basic and perfect that I didn’t even bother to take a photo of you in unchanged form. Be yourself, Vanilla Villain. Just do you.rating9

Epic Beef Cherry + Habanero Bar

Superbowl Sunday holds a great deal of significance to me- a day savage and full of masculinity, a day to reread A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, pump iron, and take a cool lavender bath. To change the channel from NBC to the Animal Planet and watch the Puppy Bowl over homemade Pad Kee Mao and Riesling. But above all, to eat copious amounts of meat. Let all humans take the day to observe a protein-based diet, rife with trend-influenced flavors like buffalo, chipotle, and ass-reaming hot. I’ve got a meat bar in my pocket, and no, I’m not just happy to see you.DSC_1800 Continue reading “Epic Beef Cherry + Habanero Bar”

Cellucor COR-Fetti Cake Batter Whey Protein

Get that virtual baby shower ready, because this girl is preggo. Pregnant with abs.

I felt them a few weeks ago, emerging from the deep as I was admiring myself shirtless in the mirror to Sade, as you all shamelessly do in the privacy of your own homes, I’m sure. They kicked a little, or maybe they involuntarily flexed at the climax point of ‘Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover’ when I switched to the veritable Ms. Hawkins. DSC_1396I’m going to name them Kevin! Continue reading “Cellucor COR-Fetti Cake Batter Whey Protein”