Chobani, as a long-time disordered consumer of yogurt, let me be the first to gently deliver this message: knock it off. For starters, you’re making Dannon and Yoplait feel bad. They’ve only just discovered that you can make cake into a flavor for people who think cake is shameful and want to capitalize it. You’re just going to confuse them. Also, I’m pretty sure that Bobby Flay has a monopoly on the concept, flavor, feeling, and etymology of “chipotle,” so you’ll be hearing from his lawyers.
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Tag: hot
Sour Pickle Balls
In an age where children are born with their own Gmail accounts, it’s easy to feel shafted on the social media front. I hear you, disgruntled children of the teens. It’s not easy having to remember both that you love potatoes and a randomized ten digit code signifying so, potatoluvr593857381. OkCupid makes you slap an -asaurus or -taco to your name as if those are acceptable suffixes for quirkiness. There are entire businesses dedicated to suffix generation. It’s not easy out there. Have a pickle ball.
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Holiday Appetizer: Grilled Thai Chicken Pizza
This shop has been compensated by Collective Bias, Inc. and its advertiser. All opinions are mine alone. Let it be known that this will buy an undisclosed amount of imaginary cupcakes, because my personal trainer would prefer those over the real ones. 
Where has Foodette been? Is she an international mess of mystery? Has law school eaten her up and spat her out, briefs and all? Questions that nobody has asked thus far! Never fear, I’m relatively back- I’m cooking up recipes, crying into the 1934 Securities Act, and traveling out and about. A brief weekend in Austin yielded apartment flooding, a dead car battery, and a very angry Siamese cat upon return. Oh, and five Thanksgiving invitations to plan for. What’s an anonymous writer spitting words on the internet to do? Maybe cry. But better yet, maybe make a pizza. And whether you’re one of those adorable, charming hosts or hostesses with perfect Christmas parties on a Samsung commercial or an absolute wreck like me, this is a party appetizer that will certainly please you and your guests.
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Barsel Takis Zombie Nitro
Weirdly enough, this contains references to two of the things I hated most in college that compelled the masses- Humans vs. Zombies and nitrous oxide. The bag is deep and dark, with claw marks, topical references to the holiday, a zombie warning sign fresh out of the clearance bin at Spencer Gifts, and lots and lots o’ Photoshop veneer. Have the beloved Takis been taken over by zombies, perhaps former communications and graphic design majors with a lust for blood, brains, and jobs with fair pay? There’s a spooky Halloween for you. I’m not sure if these particular zombies revere the complex heat of habanero or the cooling, vitamin C rich benefits of cucumbers, but either way, it’s a unique flavor concept that kicks the pants off the Lay’s wasabi chips.
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Chipotle Honey Mofongo
Disclaimer: This shop has been compensated by Collective Bias, Inc. and its advertiser. All opinions are mine alone. I was paid by the internet, for the internet, and shall not perish from this earth before eating my weight in avocados.
Christ, do I love bodegas. Hartford has ’em, New York has better. Rows upon rows of food the likes of which I’ve rarely cooked with, and if you’re nice, amazing sandwiches and deli treats to boot. Not to mention being the ideal hangover helper. So while I was in New York last weekend, I picked up some ingredients at my favorite stop (shout out to Tehuitzingo for also making me want tacos after Betony) and came home to cook something amazing. Connecticut is Goya country, so when I was asked to cook something using La Morena’s hot ingredients, like jalapeno and chipotle peppers, I was curious to see what I could come up with. 
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Pumpkin Spice and Chipotle Brisket Sliders
I participated in an Influencer Activation Program on behalf of Millenial Central Consulting for the Beef Checkoff. I received products to facilitate this review and a promotional item to thank me for participating.
Basic bitches everywhere are freaking out because pumpkin spice lattes are back, as they are every year, like some sort of seasonal emotionally abusive crutch. I’m here to take that to the next level, thanks to the National Beef Board (all of these meat boards courting me makes me misty-eyed, but seriously, NBB, where’s my full cow?) with these brisket sandwiches, made with pumpkin spice mayo (WHAAAAAT), paprika and butcher spice-rubbed brisket, salami, and Melinda Mae cheese from the Mystic Cheese Company. Continue reading “Pumpkin Spice and Chipotle Brisket Sliders”
Wendy’s Spicy Chipotle Jr. Cheeseburger
I hate Christmas shopping. Even though I’ve whittled down all but 20% of it to online shopping, leaving my neighbors constantly curious as to whether I’m in a drug cartel or the Make A Wish Foundation, it’s still an irksome chore. The expectations are too high. What do I want for Christmas? I want to feel genuine satisfaction, the kind that comes from inner peace and self-acceptance. So the Cinzia Rocca jacket and tub of popcorn isn’t going to cut it. But I bought gifts for people, anyway, braving the crowds of the BLEEP for the privilege of elbowing a pinch-faced woman in the chin for the last BLEEP on the shelf and waiting in line, only to make small talk with the cashier about specials on BLEEP. I forgot my mother reads this blog. Well, Mom, enjoy your BLEEP this year.
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Spicy Week II: Fruit
Welcome to fruity night. The final countdown! We’ve spanned so many sauces over the course of a week. Thank you for going along on this horrible voyeuristic journey. If you’ll excuse us, our tastebuds need reconstructive surgery. 
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Spicy Week II: XXXX
We came.
We cried.
We tasted.
There was a cat.
It needs no introduction. Spicy Week II presents, the ultra-spicy collection.
Spicy Week II: Eclectic
Yes, today was supposed to be XXX.
Yes, I know I’ve changed the order.
You do not know what my body has gone through in the last 24 hours.
If there is any poster child for body autonomy, it is me, right now, lacking autonomy from my own body.
Holy crap, I kid you not.
All that aside, I’ve decided to treat myself to the most exciting and diverse selection of the sauces before I subject various friends and family members to the insanely hot ones on my trip home tomorrow. Today won’t put me completely out of the woods- I’m trying sauces with ingredients from avocado to salted caramel, to top-notch political preferences to pumpkin. Whew.
Also, someone sent me a holster, which means that now that my first semester is officially done, I’ve spent every minute of the last 24 hours pretending to be Doc Holliday. I’m your huckleberry.
Sauce count: 18 (and five non-sauce goodies!)
Sauce total: 73 
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