Chobani Flip Chipotle Pineapple

Chobani, as a long-time disordered consumer of yogurt, let me be the first to gently deliver this message: knock it off. For starters, you’re making Dannon and Yoplait feel bad. They’ve only just discovered that you can make cake into a flavor for people who think cake is shameful and want to capitalize it. You’re just going to confuse them. Also, I’m pretty sure that Bobby Flay has a monopoly on the concept, flavor, feeling, and etymology of “chipotle,” so you’ll be hearing from his lawyers.IMG_20160302_113503768 Continue reading “Chobani Flip Chipotle Pineapple”

Noosa Pumpkin Yoghurt

If I review one pumpkin product in any given year, it will be the best damned one I can find, and at the moment, I have a sample size population of one, because I refuse to bow to the wills of the god of pumpkin spice, Femcanis Basicious. This is Pumpkin Noosa, and it is not for breakfast. Have you ever wanted to lick pumpkin pie batter out of the mixing bowl? Of course you haven’t, you sick freak. God made cakes for that and cakes alone. Well, thanks to Noosa, you can fulfill that perversity in the quiet of your own home and the silent organization of Target’s buying lists. This yogurt is so uncannily resemblant of pie filling in a dessert that it ought to be legally labeled as such, instead of a breakfast food. Field trip to the FDA? Field trip to the FDA? No takers? Man, you guys suck. rsz_dsc_0632 Continue reading “Noosa Pumpkin Yoghurt”

Big Slice Kettle-Cooked Apples Cherry Vanilla

It’s been difficult for me to strike a good balance lately. One of the benefits of running a small blog like this is small fame- little notoriety, the product of hard work and awful writing, and having my name on a small corner of the world. It’s one of the detriments as well. I own this, but in a world where it is becoming increasingly common to scour the ‘net for any trace of Hunger Games fanfiction in order to see if your applicant qualifies to be a bathroom attendant, a girl’s gotta be careful. And the pressure is on. I’m applying for real, live summer jobs as a real, live summer associate or law clerk or 80’s power suit representative. So I’m having trouble talking, I guess.DSC_7609 - Edited Continue reading “Big Slice Kettle-Cooked Apples Cherry Vanilla”

Red Jacket Orchards Blackcurrant-Apple Juice

I’m planning a damned good brunch party for next week, to celebrate half of finals being done. I’m forsaking an advent calendar, as well as gifts for loved ones this year as a result of my personal Four Days of Finals (trademark pending) annual tradition. I’ve started it this year. The song goes like this:

On the first day of finals, my limit gave to me,
An hour-long deep tissue massage.
On the second day of finals, my limit gave to me,
Two bloody marys,
And an hour-long deep tissue massage.
On the third day of finals, my limit gave to me,
Three fingers of Laphroaig,
Two bloody marys,
And an hour-long deep tissue massage.
On the fourth day of finals, my limit gave to me,
Four pounds of steak,
Three fingers of Laphroaig,
Two bloody marys,
And an hour-long deep tissue massaaaaaaaaggggeeeeeeee. Continue reading “Red Jacket Orchards Blackcurrant-Apple Juice”