Nutrex Research Muscle Infusion Black Vanilla Villain

Nutrex bills this as the best underground bodybuilding protein powder. Yeah, and the Vitamin Shoppe is all in Tyler Durden’s head. Aside from being the worst/most hilarious marketing campaign to hit the shelves- personally, I think “Nutrex Research” sounds more sinister at face value than “Muscle Infusion Black”, this stuff is clean. wpid-wp-1426514593246.jpeg25g’s in the blend, 130 calories, and seven different proteins, although they will not list those proteins. That is the extent of their evil genius, though, and it is one that goes well with fruit and deadlifts. The sole complaint? It smells awful. Like, stale gym locker awful. When mixed with liquid, the odor goes away immediately- it isn’t Cellucor’s cupcake and ass-kicking excitement, but don’t let it deter you from trying it out.wpid-wp-1426514536706.jpegI mean, look at that. This powder incorporates better than a Delaware filing clerk who has just received a fifty-year service award. The red cup clashes with her pink undertones, but for two cups of raspberries, three scoops of protein, i-Satori BioGro, whole milk yogurt, and a can of raspberry seltzer, it is smoother than Kenny G on a Slip ‘n’ Slide. With solely milk and water it also mixes well, with a Nesquik-like effect. Or Quik, if you’re still young and have your best years ahead of you.wpid-wp-1426514577560.jpegFrankly, this stuff is masquerading as a bad guy but is truly ridonkulous. Yeah, that’s right, 2007, I’m taking back the slang that  was never allowed to use as a teenager. Vanilla Villain, you are not fighting The Hulk, nor have you turned me into a super-villain, although I have woken up in the morning to piles of jewels and gold bars that I had not owned or claimed as taxable income before. (Results may vary.)

You are so secretly good, secretly basic and perfect that I didn’t even bother to take a photo of you in unchanged form. Be yourself, Vanilla Villain. Just do you.rating9

Chaos and Pain Cannibal Permaswole

What’s for breakfast? PERMASWOOOOLLLLEEEE.

What’s for lunch? PEEEEEEEEEEEERMASWOOOLLLLEEE.

What’s for dinner? Please, please don’t hit me. It’s Permaswole, okay? It’s a supplement from Chaos & Pain that tastes like Pixy Stix and makes you feel like the Hulk. Guaranteed to annoy girlfriends and distress mothers everywhere when you proclaim that you are the masc with the vasc. C&P sent over Green Apple Hulk, so before we get to the meat of the review, let’s go over the ingredients. To give you perspective, I do a light PHAT/HIIT style workout with a trainer with an intensive, hour-long focus on core and strength exercises. Surprisingly, there aren’t many reviews of this and what reviews are out there basically equate this to crack cocaine for your muscles. It’s awesome, but crack cocaine is going too far. That’s a better descriptor for Ferox, which we’ll get to in a week or so. Quite simply, though, Permaswole is diligent as both a battle cry and an amino acid boost for the family guns.  Continue reading “Chaos and Pain Cannibal Permaswole”

Cellucor COR-Fetti Cake Batter Whey Protein

Get that virtual baby shower ready, because this girl is preggo. Pregnant with abs.

I felt them a few weeks ago, emerging from the deep as I was admiring myself shirtless in the mirror to Sade, as you all shamelessly do in the privacy of your own homes, I’m sure. They kicked a little, or maybe they involuntarily flexed at the climax point of ‘Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover’ when I switched to the veritable Ms. Hawkins. DSC_1396I’m going to name them Kevin! Continue reading “Cellucor COR-Fetti Cake Batter Whey Protein”

Chia Pod Vanilla Bean

Food-wise, it’s been a weird week of adventures, ranging from excellent tacos from a tacky-looking chain to complimentary hotel breakfast regimens of sausages and cantaloupe. I received pheasant from a coworker, freshly shot in South Dakota, and ate impeccable Szechuan and Thai takeout. Arkansas, you crazy. I think I love you. When I’m not delighting my creditors with my flagrant burger purchases, I’m trying to eat at home- small, canape-style food like I had in Paris, and with Fresh Market so close, it’s difficult to resist the siren’s song of decent coffee and gelato. DSC_8798 Continue reading “Chia Pod Vanilla Bean”

VitaRocks Cherry Blast

Happy New Year.

Why are there so many new people at the gym?DSC_7381They think that I don’t know that they’re new. They think they’ll blend in to the circuit of toothy, muscular guys, wafer-thin co-eds, children who don’t know how elliptical machines work, and me. They think they’ll leave the weights at the lowest setting, or gab at the new, stupid-looking CrossFit station by the water fountain, or loiter near the hot tubs as if their decision to go in hinges upon a great, existential issue intent on irritating me, and change all the channels from the vastly superior Food Network to something horrible, like A&E.

Continue reading “VitaRocks Cherry Blast”