9 – Foodette Reviews

Mustard & Co. Smoky BBQ

Over the weekend, the Bedfellow came for an amazing, whirlwind visit, and the first thing she sat down to eat after a long flight was a sandwich. Distance is a cruel addition to our partnership, and it has added food jealousy to our discourse.“What are you doing?”
“Oh, nothing.”
“It doesn’t sound like nothing. It sounds like chips.”
“It’s actually chips…and a sandwich.”
“What kind of sandwich?” Continue reading “Mustard & Co. Smoky BBQ”

Nutrex Research Muscle Infusion Black Vanilla Villain

Nutrex bills this as the best underground bodybuilding protein powder. Yeah, and the Vitamin Shoppe is all in Tyler Durden’s head. Aside from being the worst/most hilarious marketing campaign to hit the shelves- personally, I think “Nutrex Research” sounds more sinister at face value than “Muscle Infusion Black”, this stuff is clean. 25g’s in the blend, 130 calories, and seven different proteins, although they will not list those proteins. That is the extent of their evil genius, though, and it is one that goes well with fruit and deadlifts. The sole complaint? It smells awful. Like, stale gym locker awful. When mixed with liquid, the odor goes away immediately- it isn’t Cellucor’s cupcake and ass-kicking excitement, but don’t let it deter you from trying it out.I mean, look at that. This powder incorporates better than a Delaware filing clerk who has just received a fifty-year service award. The red cup clashes with her pink undertones, but for two cups of raspberries, three scoops of protein, i-Satori BioGro, whole milk yogurt, and a can of raspberry seltzer, it is smoother than Kenny G on a Slip ‘n’ Slide. With solely milk and water it also mixes well, with a Nesquik-like effect. Or Quik, if you’re still young and have your best years ahead of you.Frankly, this stuff is masquerading as a bad guy but is truly ridonkulous. Yeah, that’s right, 2007, I’m taking back the slang that was never allowed to use as a teenager. Vanilla Villain, you are not fighting The Hulk, nor have you turned me into a super-villain, although I have woken up in the morning to piles of jewels and gold bars that I had not owned or claimed as taxable income before. (Results may vary.)

You are so secretly good, secretly basic and perfect that I didn’t even bother to take a photo of you in unchanged form. Be yourself, Vanilla Villain. Just do you.

Myojo Ippei-chan Yakisoba Japanese Style Noodles

Yesterday I started my hypertrophy training. Today, I was ass-deep in estate tax notes to the tune of 115 pages. Today, I ate my lean muscle mass in ramen. We all know ramen is elevated as an obsessive art form in the US, ever since we discovered that the rest of the world knew how good ramen was long before we cracked open our first Maruchan. But I’ve discovered the intersection of boxed, laxy convenience and near-gourmet seasoning and preparation. Its name is Myojo Japanese Yakisoba, and it played the dozens with Nissin’s version and won hard. Sauce in the house, playa. Continue reading “Myojo Ippei-chan Yakisoba Japanese Style Noodles”

Cellucor COR-Fetti Cake Batter Whey Protein

Get that virtual baby shower ready, because this girl is preggo. Pregnant with abs.

I felt them a few weeks ago, emerging from the deep as I was admiring myself shirtless in the mirror to Sade, as you all shamelessly do in the privacy of your own homes, I’m sure. They kicked a little, or maybe they involuntarily flexed at the climax point of ‘Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover’ when I switched to the veritable Ms. Hawkins. I’m going to name them Kevin! Continue reading “Cellucor COR-Fetti Cake Batter Whey Protein”

Harmless Harvest 100% Raw Coconut Water Cinnamon & Clove

Hello? Is anyone there? I’m sorry that I can’t tweet and post and drum the requirements for scienter in my head all at once. Really. That isn’t some pithy e-card apology, it’s the truth, I miss you guys and I miss my weird eating habits. So, if anyone is there, understand that I almost couldn’t resist posting this before Thanksgiving because it’s so damned weird, so damned pretentious, and so damned delicious that it was a very difficult endeavor. Actually, I was up to my ears in analyzing corporate personhood, so, there’s that. Sorry. A million sorries. Enough sorries that your brain bleeds and starts to see the word sorry in a weird way and doesn’t associate it for what it is anymore. Neurology, amirite? Continue reading “Harmless Harvest 100% Raw Coconut Water Cinnamon & Clove”

Noosa Pumpkin Yoghurt

If I review one pumpkin product in any given year, it will be the best damned one I can find, and at the moment, I have a sample size population of one, because I refuse to bow to the wills of the god of pumpkin spice, Femcanis Basicious. This is Pumpkin Noosa, and it is not for breakfast. Have you ever wanted to lick pumpkin pie batter out of the mixing bowl? Of course you haven’t, you sick freak. God made cakes for that and cakes alone. Well, thanks to Noosa, you can fulfill that perversity in the quiet of your own home and the silent organization of Target’s buying lists. This yogurt is so uncannily resemblant of pie filling in a dessert that it ought to be legally labeled as such, instead of a breakfast food. Field trip to the FDA? Field trip to the FDA? No takers? Man, you guys suck. rsz_dsc_0632 Continue reading “Noosa Pumpkin Yoghurt”

Tillamook Honey Cinnamon Crème Brûlée Dessert Yogurt

I’ve finally achieved a level of comfort between unbridled human autonomy and the robot slavery we’re doomed to undergo once automated insurance customer services (I’m talkin’ to you, Blue Cross) and abused Coca-Cola Freestyle machines rear up and conquer us. That comfort level is the Jawbone Up24. It’s gentle- it tells me what to do and when to do it without insisting, like a sweet suggestion from a passive-aggressive partner, but it gets me going and gives me cold, hard statistics on my body rather than the cold, hard stares my general practitioner gives me. Continue reading “Tillamook Honey Cinnamon Crème Brûlée Dessert Yogurt”

Taco Bell Sour Cream Dip Spicy Habanero

I have resigned myself to the somewhat weird, mythological loop of living in an extended-stay hotel. Legends shall know me as Jessica, of the Embassy Suites, or Jessica, the Latter-Day Eloise, or Jessica, she who now refuses to wear clothing on the weekends. Living in a hotel is part indulgent and part watching a beloved relative or public blogging figure lose all of their remaining self-sufficiency. I may have forgotten how to make a bed. And how to cook eggs. I may have lost all meaning of non-fresh towels, warm from the dryer, fresh sheets changed on a daily basis, and I may occasionally ogle nicer hotel rooms on the internet on the hotel’s internet connection (oh baby, I’m sorry) but I have not lost the ability to both endure and enjoy terrible food. Continue reading “Taco Bell Sour Cream Dip Spicy Habanero”

Bixby Bar Whippersnapper

One last hurrah before I start my long and lonely drive with little more than Supertramp and protein shakes for company. I picked this up at Whole Foods a few days ago- it’s rare that I miss the Fancy Food Show; this would have been my fifth consecutive year, and with work obligations and the weekday timing of the show, I just can’t make it. I’m sadder than I expected, so I’ve been combing the shelves in a sort of halfhearted miniature attempt to mimic the real thing. And lo and behold, I found some new chocolate! From what I’ve read, Bixby Bars have been around since 2013 and have some magnificent flavors and sweet, minimal packaging with a vintage flair. This is- was, the Whippersnapper, with 72% dark chocolate, walnuts, Maine blueberries, and Tellicherry black pepper. Continue reading “Bixby Bar Whippersnapper”