Maybe it was the excessive profanity, or distancing from my family, or perhaps the entire butchering and consumption of a whole pig that piqued you, but I’m not necessarily the most observant Jewish person in the world. Specifically, I take an existentialist approach to the whole shebang, short of turning my tallis into an ascot- it’s what you make of it and it’s what it means to you. More specifically, I’m not great at yom kippur, but I always enjoy it, except for the one year that a young men’s rights activist threw out my birthday cake in the 4th grade because my birthday landed on the day of atonement and food fasting. Damn it, Max, I wasn’t even a real woman yet.
But as a holiday, I find it comforting to sit in bed and sip loose lapsang while The Bedfellow and I watxu the 2010 Vienna production of Carmen blast, or bond over a compilation of traffic accident-related public service announcements and contemplate my mortality and the many blunders over the past year that allowed me to avoid it, and overall, determine that it was indeed, a sweet year, and cap the day off with oysters and a rousing listen to kol nidre, brought to you by Neil Diamond in ‘The Jazz Singer’. And this year, we broke the fast with hipster yogurt and unlimited ahi tuna procured from TGI Friday’s offshore river banks. Chag same’ach indeed.
Continue reading “White Moustache Yalta Yogurt”
I’m taking back my own damned blog.
I’ve spent the last month anxiously yapping about it at ten-minute table talk sessions, I’ve fervently advocated for it and laughed too loudly at dinners with endless cocktails and enough steak to fell a Texan. But it hasn’t really felt like mine. Do not blame me, readers, for falling prey to the allure of capitalism, networking: the potential to work alongside esteemed writers with eponymes like eggboy and Dex, grinding out ouevres like ‘Ten Ways to Garbage Up Chinese Takeout,’ and, ‘Why My Ovaries Hate Gluten: A Primer’ on fly-by-night Millenial publications. Do not fault me for double-fisting gimlets at that one reception. Do not hate me for not hating.
Continue reading “Chuao Pretzel Toffee Twirl”
Yes, I missed Whole Foods. Even though they have a monopoly on the bourgeois central Connecticut area. Even though they cajole me into paying $30 for a pound of raw fish. Even though they have products with stupid names like ‘Paleonola’. I missed them. The Fresh Market in Arkansas just didn’t quite cut it for me. So today, after joining the gym, missing hot yoga, and cleaning my house, I decided to break my streak of responsible adultability and bought a $10 chocolate bar, #noregrets. Vosges has been on my radar and palate for a long time, since the booming success of their bacon chocolate bar. While perusing the cheese section, I found a cheese-infused chocolate bar- a Whole Foods exclusive, with aged parmesan cheese and tellicherry peppercorn. Continue reading “Vosges Super Dark Parmesan Peppercorn Bar”
It’s weird to find something that doesn’t exist on the internet. Here’s a small list of things that don’t exist there: people who live off the grid, trash, and the last season of Community. Yeah, Season 4 can suck it, I’m still bitter. And even those things can be googled or complained about on some sort of message board. Hell, even the world’s most tragic conversation can be found online. When something isn’t searchable it either doesn’t exist in reality or it’s creepy and gross. Here’s Hiland Dairy Farm’s Cupcake Milk. As you can guess, it literally cannot be Googled, and is featured nowhere on their website. I may have stumbled onto a grainy, terrifying prototype, sprinkles not included. Continue reading “Hiland Dairy Farm Old Recipe Vanilla Cupcake Milk”
There comes a time in the life of a blogger, when the writer must earn their stripes. For some, it was willfully ingesting Heinz purple EZ Squirt to the chagrin of friends and family. For others, the oral sacrifice to a thousand Warheads. And now, today, I have succumbed to a higher, mintier power: Crest Be. Continue reading “Crest Be Adventurous Mint Chocolate Trek Toothpaste, Be Dynamic, and Be Inspired”