Nutffles Red Velvet Truffles

Oh, gas stations. Sometimes I forget how novel and wonderful they are. I’ll admit, having a car and paying my own bills and buying toilet paper, the harbingers of adulthood, has made me a little jaded. Gone are the days when I could waltz into a convenience store on the hunt for nary more than barbecue chicken-flavored Cheetos and leave with that and a Slurpee. Now there’s gas to buy, or I’ll slump in for an Aspirin after a long night of studying. The novelties go overlooked in favor of deodorant and ice scrapers. Perhaps I sensed something magical in the damp, inexplicably snowy air today, because I paused by the candy aisle, scanning the Hershey bars, Starburst, and weird, sticky Twizzlers knockoffs to find something delightfully creepy, and terribly named.DSC_8507 Continue reading “Nutffles Red Velvet Truffles”

Hearty Kitchen, West Hartford, CT

Connecticut is great– we have beaches, a tasteful selection of outerwear and haircuts, and our babies are born with a keen sense of interior design and frigid sarcasm. But our fried food is self-sacrificially uninteresting. So when Hearty Kitchen entered the Hartford scene last month, I was really looking forward to trying their fare. The menu featured simple things- fried chicken as the main protein, paired with waffles or biscuits, all available gluten-free. Unfortunately, Nutmeggers are going to have to keep looking. Hearty Kitchen succeeds as a takeout operation and fails as a restaurant.wpid-IMAG1210-1.jpg Continue reading “Hearty Kitchen, West Hartford, CT”

Red Velvet M&M’s

What’s the next holiday? Houseplant Appreciation Day? Fuck that. I’m bad at holidays. The holiday that I am the worst at is Valentine’s Day. This is because I am not a twee blogger. I am not the type of person to create a clever, heart-themed meal for my DGNP (dear gender-neutral partner) or frost a perfectly color-coordinated cake in my footprint-sized kitchen. For the last three Valentine’s Days celebrated, I have, in reverse chronological order, sent a Gucci scarf overseas that never arrived, gone to a convention, and dated a guy. Woof, man. This year, I expect to do fairly well. I’m going to a job fair. But it won’t be so terrible, because there is no way I can do as poorly as these Red Velvet M&M’s. DSC_7340 Continue reading “Red Velvet M&M’s”

Polar Seltzer Toasted Coconut Creme

I called my local Walmart today, despite warnings from my Duck Dynasty-fearing gayborhood watch. Walmart is not too receptive to speech-based communication, it appears. Someone dropped the phone while I was on hold and I spent a blissful thirty seconds listening to an upside-down, reedy version of the Talking Heads’ ‘The Overload’ before someone got on, breathed heavily, asked me if I spoke Spanish, and then told me to call back later. I’m still not sure if I was crossconnected to an old 1-900 hotline or if someone actually picked up the phone. I was looking for red velvet M&M’s. I didn’t find them. It’s two days after Christmas and they’re already pulling Valentine’s Day candy, but I’m still clinging to the millimeter of filthy snow we have on the ground and the newness of my gifts. I got a haircut, and it rendered me raving glad, as every sweep of the razor made me feel lighter on my feet. My new suits are being tailored. I’m determined to start the new year fairly well, even if I don’t end it with grace. I’m the Nancy Kerrigan of resolutions.DSC_7039 Continue reading “Polar Seltzer Toasted Coconut Creme”

Polar Butter Rum Seltzer

It has come to my attention that, due to my cryogenic freezing on the other side of the planet, everything I’m now seeing on shelves at my local big-box stores is actually a rehashing of last year’s limited-edition goods. For starters, damn it, France. And also, damn it, companies, when did you just give the hell up? Great, I get to sip on last year’s butter rum seltzer. Maybe I’ll take out my Zune and play the Mariah Carey holiday album in my Snuggie and eat Air Crisps while we’re being retroactive, too. I shouldn’t have to spend my grant money on turkey-flavored ice cream. Where’s the turkey-flavored seltzer for the masses? Pumpkin pie? Christmas cookies? Latkes?DSC_6705 Continue reading “Polar Butter Rum Seltzer”