Casco Bay Butter Salted Caramel

It’s funny how people change! You brace yourself for your daily panic attack in the middle of Whole Foods due to the bar exam, and it turns out the bar exam isn’t the source of the panic at all. What a pleasant surprise. Counterpoint: it’s because at checkout, the twee container of salted caramel butter you’ve just purchased, alongside four single-serving bagel triads (that is correct) and alcohol, has rung up for $7.00.

Maybe I don’t know what people are like, or maybe I haven’t checked my Google Analytics account in a long time, but perhaps you’re all butter magnates. Maybe it’s normal to spend 8% of your grocery bill on agitated cream and a picture of a cow. Maybe you married the heiress to Land-O-Lakes. But I fainted and I woke up to dreadlocks in my face, and normally, that’s not how I like to wake up.13844080_10208264144136260_988679304_o Continue reading “Casco Bay Butter Salted Caramel”

Rhythm Superfoods Mango Habanero Kale Chips

Either I’m an idiot, or the kale industrial complex is pulling the veiny, tough greens over your eyes. And let me tell you, I nearly skirted the median this semester, so I’m pretty sure Big Kale is out to get you. My point is, I fought the slaw and the slaw won. Kale is no joke. Even when liberally smothered in my most favorite disguise of flavors, its natural, vegetal haunt shines through, like an unwashed natural body odor on an otherwise attractive frame.IMG_20160129_235721449 Continue reading “Rhythm Superfoods Mango Habanero Kale Chips”

Tea-Rrific! Limited Batch Ice Cream Brown Butter Sticky Toffee

The first review of the new year isn’t always promising. And yes, it starts with a cheat. I’ve had a bag of kale chips, coconut chips, and three different flavors of whey sitting on my counter for a week now but decided to go for the kill and suffered greatly for it.IMG_20160107_223158754Mediocrity comes at a cost. Roughly $12, to be precise. Continue reading “Tea-Rrific! Limited Batch Ice Cream Brown Butter Sticky Toffee”

Sour Pickle Balls

In an age where children are born with their own Gmail accounts, it’s easy to feel shafted on the social media front. I hear you, disgruntled children of the teens. It’s not easy having to remember both that you love potatoes and a randomized ten digit code signifying so, potatoluvr593857381. OkCupid makes you slap an -asaurus or -taco to your name as if those are acceptable suffixes for quirkiness. There are entire businesses dedicated to suffix generation. It’s not easy out there. Have a pickle ball.DSC_2725 Continue reading “Sour Pickle Balls”

Caramel Apple Oreos

I’m home. Oh, god, I’m home. And instead of summery lemon and fruit Oreos or whimsical Rice Krispie cookies, we’re slammed with some back to school shenanigans of caramel apple. Apples are for teachers. Caramel is for jerks. The two combined include schedules, grades, and more curves than a poorly angled photo on Tinder. However, Caramel Apple Oreos might be pretty tasty. The internet has been all abuzz about these and at my local treacherous Target today, I found them, right next to the school supplies.wpid-img_20140824_190107020.jpg Continue reading “Caramel Apple Oreos”

Lunchables Breakfast Pancake Bacon Dippers and Cinnamon Roll Dippers

I am a child trapped in the body of a child with the brain of a Sartrian scholar, the breasts of an aging woman, and constant headaches. Thus, it makes perfect sense that at 11AM, I should be vapidly picking at Lunchables Breakfast selections after my morning coffee and commute. I picked up two varieties, Pancake Bacon Dippers and Cinnamon Roll Dippers, and instead of trading them for five Fruit Roll-Ups and a bag of crushed Doritos, I decided to consume a small part of them and then spend the rest of the day regretting it. This is surely an indicator of adulthood.wpid-wp-1406910123061.jpegAccording to Lunchables lore, aka, the wikipedia page that appears to be updated by one person, the carrier of the legend, Superwarrior5000. Bless you, good sir. Apparently Lunchables had an ill-fated breakfast back in the 90’s, so let’s prepare this article for its future fifteen minutes of Buzzfeed fame, ’45 things from the 90’s that you didn’t really miss but vaguely remember and will reblog for the sake of nostalgia and peer pressure.’ Hop-a! Continue reading “Lunchables Breakfast Pancake Bacon Dippers and Cinnamon Roll Dippers”

Dunkin’ Donuts Cookie Dough Iced Coffee

Oh, Dunkin’, you sly minx. What are you, the Ace of Cakes? Or rather, some yet-unnamed ice-cream themed show on the Food Network that a young, hell-destined executive is dreaming of as we speak. So many limited edition flavors! So many weird things! The donut sandwich seemed serendipitous, as if you’d finally caught wind of those odd concepts like trends and memes that the bakery scene so often misses, and the slew of red velvet could have been chalked up to the holidays. But now you’ve paired with old fling Baskin Robbins in the oddest juxtaposition to date: ice-cream flavored coffee, for people who like a little caffeine with their sugar. Mint chocolate chip, butter pecan, jamoca…all de rigueur.DSC_8532And this is cookie dough. Continue reading “Dunkin’ Donuts Cookie Dough Iced Coffee”

Archer Farms Gyro Wood-Fired Crust Pizza

Where will Big Pizza stop? It seems like they’ll chuck anything on a crust for the world to listlessly chew, alongside their doughzac/pepperonazepam cocktail, while watching reruns of Honey Boo Boo. Just keep chewing. For those of you still trapped in a pizza wasteland, namely, anywhere outside of Connecticut, Archer Farms has some weird solutions for your topping woes. They’re making it rain with strawberries, green beans, brie, pear, and now, everyone’s favorite late-night meatfest, gyro.DSC_8499
Continue reading “Archer Farms Gyro Wood-Fired Crust Pizza”

Sweet Lemonade Peeps

Peeps ahoy. Fresh from an impulse shopping trip at Target, replete with rice macaroni and cheese, tiny bottles of Gatorade, and orange cereal bowls, we scouted and discovered a new and equally terrible breed of Peeps, this time in acrid lemonade flavor! Full disclosure, some part of the $1.29 does go toward curing childhood cancer, so even if you purchase these for the sole purpose of pelting someone in the head with them, you’re doing a little good for the world.DSC_8385-2 Continue reading “Sweet Lemonade Peeps”

Sour Watermelon Marshmallow Peeps

Easter. It’s a popular holiday, from what I’ve heard! I celebrate holidays in the same way some people eat at buffets- I sample. I’m bipartisan to both Hanukkah and Christmas, I indulge in brisket at Passover, and I gladly collect my basket when the rabbit comes around. And I love Easter candy- it’s guileless, it lacks the weird brand and character reliance and codependency of Valentine’s Day candy, and seems to have the most variation from year to year. This year alone, we’ve seen an entire Duff Goldman’s worth of cake flavors from Russell Stover, and now, mutant Peeps! I reserve the right to call them Creeps.DSC_8312 Continue reading “Sour Watermelon Marshmallow Peeps”