It was a relatively normal night and Captain Crunch and I were watching Unwrapped, when we saw these strange little pills Mark Summers was…reviewing, and when he was…back, in the style of Mark Summers with those strange vocal pauses, we were on the internet, ordering them. They promised to cure our cravings for real dessert both in the form of sprays and pills. And I’m reviewing those today, readers!
Also, the winner for the next theme week, by a nose, is spicy week! Get your kleenex ready because I see tears in the future. Next theme week will be next Sunday. Also, get your entries in for the contest or I’ll have to eat all the leftovers by myself…Starting with the sprays. Serving size is two squirts, and the spray sampler pack came with strawberry cheesecake, key lime pie, cinnamon apple pie, and milk chocolate turtle. They’re in handy spray bottles so you can put it in your bag and strangely squirt it into your mouth while your friends are eating tiramisu, but to each his own.
I started with the milk chocolate turtle. It’s always a little odd, waiting for the sprayer to kick in because I’m sitting here holding this bottle to my mouth like a baby bird until it actually does spray. And when it did spray, it didn’t taste like turtle at all. It tasted like overly sweet iced coffee. I literally tasted no chocolate and the caramel was very fake and artificial. Captain Crunch and I agree: eat a Russell Stover low-fat turtle instead of this. 0
The next one up to bat was the key lime pie spray. It tasted limey, all right, about as “limey” as my fake British ex-boyfriend. It was like eating a dry Kool-Aid packet. I’ll give them credit- they did make it taste like lime, but there was no other flavor and that one flavor wasn’t even done very well. Too sugary, too intense, too artificial. 1After that was the strawberry cheesecake, which had also fallen victim to the artificial flavor syndrome. It was intensely strawberry, in a syrupy, in your face fashion. I didn’t taste cream cheese or crust, just really badly rendered strawberries. 0
The last of the sprays, thankfully, was the cinnamon apple pie spray. We steeled ourselves for the worst, but actually, it wasn’t so bad at all. It tasted warm, with a definitely prominent cinnamon flavor and an apple note, though artificial, and came together with a nice caramel taste. I don’t think I’d carry these around in my purse, as they don’t curb my cravings for desserts, but the concept was different and the apple one wasn’t actually bad at all. These did remind me of those candy sprays we all had as kids, though. 5
Next up were the dessert pills. These are really the most futuristic, offering the equivalent taste of any sumptuous dessert contained in each pill. The selections are as varied as a Las Vegas Buffet, with orange dreamsicle, mocha cappuccino cake, and more.The first dessert pill I tried, actually, while half asleep, was the banana cream pie. It was really tasty, and had both a creamy, rich banana flavor and a grahamy aftertaste in the middle. It was also less of an artificial banana than I’d assumed. I thought that although I’d never take this over an actual slice of banana cream pie, it was very silky and tasty. The texture of these is very smooth and consistent. There’s no graininess in them. 7
After that was chocolate hazelnut toffee. This one really tasted more artificial than the rest of them, with the hazelnut in the representation of the aforementioned bad coffee and the chocolate taking on a tootsie roll flavor. Not so great. The texture was kind of grainy, too, and had little granules of sugar in it. 2Next was the mocha butterscotch sundae. The butterscotch was really prominent in this one, and it had the same silkiness of the banana cream pie. I really didn’t taste any coffee in this one, unfortunately, and had more of the buttery, rum-like flavor than the rest of the sundae. This, although it wasn’t an accurate representation of the aforementioned flavor, was tasty and average. 5
Deciding to try a real coffee flavor, I went for the mocha cappuccino cake. Whoa. Talk about coffee. This one was granulated and had a slower melt, but was very, very concentrated in the coffee flavor, definitely dominating over the chocolate and cake tastes. It was very tasty and definitely had a nice and strong coffee flavor in it, if slightly artificial. 6
Key lime pie was one of the flavors from the sprays, so I was hoping it would be a little better. I was right. The lime was smooth, a lot more subtle and sweet, with a creamy texture, and less artificial, Although I would have preferred more of a graham flavoring, this was definitely one of the best. 7After that was a milk chocolate truffle. This was fantastic, and made me wonder why all the other chocolate-based flavors had such bad chocolate flavoring. It tasted like chocolate whipped cream and definitely best resembled its dessert partner. 8
Apple cinnamon pie was bright red and tasted like a Yankee Candle and an Altoid had a baby. The cinnamon flavor was fresh and gave a little bit of spice to the pie, but the apple flavor was just off. A little odd, but still very buttery and good. Even better than the spray. 8
The next one was one of my favorites. Chocolate, peanuts, and caramel tasted exactly like a chocolate covered Baby Ruth bar. It was slightly salty, a little sweet, and carried all the elements of the flavors in it. If I were to order a single pack of these, it would be in this flavor, because everything mingled really well and best emulated the bar. 9
The biggest disappointment of the box was the one I had the most hope for, the orange dreamsicle. What could have been creamy and fruity tasted like St. Joseph’s baby aspirin and a crappy Starburst knock off. It was acidic and artificial and nowhere near reminiscent of a dreamsicle. What a shame. 0
Strawberry cheesecake worried me, because I thought it would be reminiscent of the spray. It was absolutely incredible. The strawberry flavoring was more subtle and had a creaminess to it like an actual cheesecake, and was sweet without being saccharine. 7
The peach cobbler failed miserably, tasting like I accidentally ate some of my shampoo or body wash instead of a piece of candy. It had only the peach flavoring, no other notes, and that was artificial and tangy. 0
Saving the best for last, though, I prepared for the peanut butter cup. It was fantastic. Unlike an actual peanut butter cup, you get the peanut butter flavoring first and then the chocolate. I was amazed at how different this was from the chocolate, peanuts, and caramel, because the peanut butter was both salty and rich and yet different from the peanuts. Not as much chocolate as I’d have liked in here, but still damned good. 9
All in all, I liked these as a novelty, but they’re definitely not the real thing. I’d invest my time and money in creating lower fat, indulgent versions of the desserts instead of relegating yourself to a tiny pill.