A Christmas Cheesecake, aka, the Christmas Foodette Copout

For fun and profit, and also, because Death Cake and I felt like making some damned cheesecakes.

1 1/2 pound cream cheese or if you’re awesome, 1 pound of cream cheese and 8 oz. mascarpone cheese. That’s what we did.
1 cup sugar
5 large eggs
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoon vanilla
1/4 cup flour
8 ounces sour cream
Oreo cookies (coarsely chopped for the batter)

1.All ingredients must be at room temperature before beginning. Beat cream cheese with a mixer on low until fluffy.
2. Slowly add sugar and continue beating cream cheese until mixed well.
3. Add eggs one at a time and continue to beat until blended.
4. Measure the vanilla, salt and flour, pour into cream cheese and egg mixture and beat until smooth. Add the sour cream and beat.
5. Stir in the coarsely chopped cookies with a spoon.
6. Pour cream cheese into the pan and place the nine coarsely chopped cookies on to of the cream mixture.
7. Place pan on the top rack and in the middle of a oven at 325 degrees F and bake for one hour and 15 minutes.

And I’m eating some for breakfast now. Because being thug means never having to say you’re sorry. Or do the dishes. Yum.

Dining Commons Hacks, Part I

I’m a college student, blah blah blah, you all know the drill, and I eat the meal plan that the college provides, because my parents don’t want to foot a grocery bill that leads me to either stocking up on Fritos and Gatorade and blimping out or turning into some strange culinary excursion that burns down the dorm. (It’s for my own safety.) So I have this meal plan, and where it’s really nice to have food that is unlimited, always available, and in a buffet-style, I find that a lot of the time, it gets boring, isn’t always fresh, and lacks in quality, so I have to spice things up a little. So, without further ado, I present to you, Foodette’s Unofficial Guide to Standard Dining Commons Hacks, Part I.

Breakfast is only served for so many hours at UMass, but the waffle machine is left on all day. And sometimes I crave breakfast at strange hours of the night, like when things like chicken fingers are served. The results have been amazing. For instance? Chicken fingers. Waffles. Chicken and waffles. It was delicious. Oh, it was delicious. Especially with hot sauce.

But my piece de resistance so far has been sneaking things into the waffle machine, you know?


I don’t know, things like…BACON!

J.B. Dough Bread Adventure #1

Oy. Today I made my first loaf of homemade bread.

It was from a package, (and beware, this is a series of 12) of bread dough from J.B. Dough company. They were extremely friendly and sent me all this bread, and today, I had some free time and decided to try my hand at it.

Ha ha. Get it? Hand? There I am, kneading the bread. I’m kneading it in an ice tray stolen from the community kitchen. In front of our window. In my dorm room.

It’s sitting on the shelf now, rising.

The view from our dorm. Some kids brew moonshine or grow weed, The Foodette bakes bread.

When I baked this, these were my potholders. Please, someone send me potholders.

Otherwise…this will happen. I still can’t quite fathom that I got a third-degree burn on my finger and yet took a photo of it before I washed it off. It’s a little pathetic and makes me worry just a little.

There’s the bread, in the oven. On the tin foil that I bummed off the dining hall in place of a pan. If someone were to send me cooking supplies, I would be most indebted.

Beauty shots of the delicious, delicious bread.

It looked so pretty.

All my friends ate the bread and we had a bread and Nutella eating party. It was the shit.

They loved it! We ate most of the loaf.

Bread and Nutella…Mmmmmm!

Your Foodette. Eating the Nutella off the knife. I AM NOT PRETTY.

The bread was really great. It had excellent cell wall definition, was puffy and tasty, and had a buttery flavor without any toppings on it. It came out crispy and had a good crust. Overall, an awesome experience.

8/10- SUPER!

The Uptown Dog

I know the Ghetto Dog was somewhat mildly received, because nobody commented on it. Not that I expect anything different with this one,- WHY ARE YOU SO GODDAMNED QUIET?!? But I felt like I ought to post it anyhow, because it’s classy and delicious. It’s a really beautiful hot dog that I’d serve at any restaurant that serves hot dogs.

End rant.

So the Uptown Dog is a nice, grilled hot dog. It came out much blacker and much tastier than I expected it. I liked it with all the crunch to it. Seriously. This hot dog crunches a lot when you eat it- that nice grilled feel. It’s a tasty hot dog.

I was lazy and substituted pepper jack cheese for American, but anything goes. I’d like to try this with a bratwurst or a large hot dog in a baguette, sometime. This is not for the diet-centric, unless you’re on Atkins and eating it without a bun. But it’s delicious. Unfortunately, I ate one without taking photos, so…I had to make another one.

The things I do for you!

Ingredients (serves 4, or one hungry blogger)
4 hot dogs (Not Hebrew National, because they just suck.)
4 buns
Chipotle Pepper Spice- I use this one, photo below. It’s all I use, on sandwiches, on pizza, on anything.
4 slices of Pepper jack cheese
4 slices of Bacon

1. Heat your pan and start frying your butter. When it is sizzling, but not brown, lay down your buns. Hee hee. No, but seriously. Put them down and wait. When they are crispy and brown, take them out.
2. Butterfly your hot dog. Just slice it down the middle and rub that chipotle pepper all over it. Sprinkle it with salt and pepper, too. Rebutter your pan and lay down the dog.

3. That’s not even dark enough, that photo. So keep cooking it until it’s plump and dark and crispy. On the side of the pan, you can see your bacon cooking. Do that by chopping it up into little bacon bites and popping it in the pan.
4. On your bun, lay down the pepper jack cheese. When you feel your hot dog is adequately cooked, put it on the bun with the bacon. Pour all the contents of the pan, including juices from the bacon, butter, and peppers. It makes a great sauce to moisten the bun.
5. Eat. Eat two. These are delicious and wonderful and SPICY HOT!

My photos suck, but there you have it. The Uptown Dog. I hope my recipes are enjoyable, if not downright masochistic. Sorry, guys.

The holy grail of chicken.

By pure accident, I have perfected fried chicken and french fries. Sorry for the photo…I really do need a good camera!

And I’m going to show you the recipe.

Ingredients (serves 1)
1 boneless chicken breast
1 potato roll
bread crumbs
1 potato
oil- olive and peanut

1. Take your chicken breast and tenderize it- roll or pound it down until it’s roughly 1/2 inch thick.
2. Mix together salt, pepper, bread crumbs, and flour. Dip chicken in and coat on all sides.
3. Butter roll and bake potato. Yes, bake it. Once it’s done baking, cut it into fry shapes.
4. Fry chicken in pan at 200 degrees for about ten minutes, or until golden brown on both sides. Let cool.
5. Fry fries at same temperature until crispy and golden brown.
6. Take cooled chicken, fry again for roughly 30 seconds to a minute, take out and serve.

This is definitely the best chicken I’ve ever had. Why? Because it’s so simple. I wanted to do a dry rub, put a sauce on it, and just decided to throw that down the tubes. It’s so simple. Baking the potatoes was genius, and wasn’t even my idea. We had a leftover baked potato in the fridge so I just put it in the fryer. They come out tender and have so much less moisture and starch than fresh potatoes, which ensures that there won’t be a raw inside and that the flesh will be extremely tender, but crisp on the outside.

As for the chicken, the key is in the twice-frying. I let all the juices soak in and then refried it for that extra crispy crust. I had no idea it would taste so good! Seriously. Try my accidental recipe. You won’t forget this chicken easily.

Shameless Foodette: Red Lantern Cake

Yesterday, The Brownie Whisperer and I got together to create a cake filled with rage and buttercream. It was the sequel to the blue lantern cake that he soloed with last week, and soon to be preceded by something even more amazing…when I think of something to create.

The cake recipe was adapted from the guy who got his ass kicked by Bobby Flay, Cake Man Raven, who inexplicably spells his name “Cakeman,” like caveman but pussier. Regardless, here’s the recipe.

I will warn you- concentrated food gel is bullshit. The lady said we’d be able to color it with a toothpick’s worth- the entire cake took the whole bottle. Like fuck it worked.

Ingredients (serves 2-10)
2 1/2 cups of cake flour
1 1/2 cups of granulated sugar
1 teaspoon of baking soda
1 teaspoon of fine salt
1 tablespoon of cocoa powder
1 cup of buttermilk
2 eggs
1 teaspoon of vinegar (white distilled)
1 1/2 cups of vegetable oil
An assload of red food coloring
1 tsp. of vanilla extract

4 cups of confectioner’s sugar
1 lb. of cream cheese (room temperature)
1 lb. of butter (softened)
2 tsp. of vanilla. extract
Cinnamon to taste
More red dye

1. Sift together all dry ingredients- the first 5 on the list.
2. Add liquid in an electric mixing bowl and beat on medium speed until well incorporated.
3. Slowly add dry ingredients to bowl, until all ingredients are combined.
4. Bake for 35 minutes at 350 degrees.
5. For the frosting, mix together the cream cheese, cinnamon and the softened butter. Partition off roughly 3/4 of a cup for the “blood” middle.
6. Gradually add confectioners sugar until it reaches desired sweetness and smoothness.
7. Add 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract and frost the cake.
8. Mix red dye into blood and add milk until frosting reaches liquidy consistency. Frost cake with white, blood in moat on middle layer (see photo) and white on top. Garnish with fondant symbol.

Catch bad guys red-handed. No photos of me. I’m not pretty.

Recipes take a test drive.

All right, guinea pigs, I have three recipes for you, and they’re both delicious and famous, at least in my eyes. Two of them I lack photos for, so am using shameless stock photos instead. SHAMELESS PHOTOS. Shame them. None of them are mine. I’m just some hack with a blog.

It’s going to be a new feature of mine called The Shameless Foodette. I’m a teen. I make amazing and oftentimes, strange recipes. So I’ll post the best of them here, yes?

If you like these, PLEASE COMMENT. I want to know if I ought to keep this feature.

Chicken Salad
Here’s a favorite of mine. I love chicken salad, but detest the aroma, flavor, and texture of mayonnaise. So I invented this version of chicken salad that still maintains the creaminess and texture of salad without the mayo, and a few additional tasty treats.

Ingredients (serves 4)
4 pieces of flatbread (I use Arnold Select Sandwich Thins)
4 chicken tenders or breast fillets
1/2 cup of mashed potatoes, refrigerated
2 spoonfuls of hummus (plain)
1/3 cup of shredded cheese, any flavor
2 spoonfuls of sour cream or cream cheese
Salt and pepper to taste

1. Turn on stove and cook chicken however you like chicken cooked, though preferably sauteed in a pan.
2. Toast flatbread to a light brown.
3. Mix together the remaining ingredients and microwave for 20 seconds on high.
4. When chicken is finished, take two forks and shred it. Salt and pepper to your liking.
5. Mix shredded chicken into bowl with other ingredients.
6. Spread on bread.
7. Devour.

If it sounds gross, it’s definitely not. I adore it. It’s flavorful, has a little bit of tang from the sour cream and hummus, and still sticks true to the basic idea of a chicken salad.

Ghetto Dog
Another big favorite of mine. I make it when there’s nothing left in the house and when I want to have a quick and cheap, but gourmet, meal.

Ingredients (serves 4)
4 turkey dogs (Definitely use turkey- the taste makes a big difference. Ball Park White Turkey Franks are best.)
2 spoonfuls of ancho-chipotle powder
4 slices of bread
Cream cheese

1. Spiral cut your hot dogs once they’re out of the package. Spiral cutting makes them gorgeous and really crisps them up. Just take a sharp knife and cut into the dog to the bottom without cutting through, like you’re slicing it but faking out at the end. Make as many slices as you can, and cut an “x” in each end of the dog.
2. Take your bread and spread cream cheese on. Trust me on this one. It’s good.
3. Rub the hot dogs with the ancho-chipotle powder, making sure to get into all the cuts and crevices made by the spiral cutting.
4. Put hot dogs on the grill or pan and cook until crispy and browned.
5. Put on bread. Roll up, natch.
6. Consume.

It’s delicious. Just trust me. It’s a creamy, yet spicy taste, like the chicken salad. It’s good.

Pancakes Bananas Foster
I made this one day when I was craving stuffed French toast, but didn’t have any bread. It’s a really tasty and pretty way to start the morning.

Ingredients (serves 4)
Enough pancake mix for 12 pancakes
2 bananas
1/4 cup of brown sugar
Caramel/Dulche de leche sauce
Whipped cream

1. Start making pancakes. In the mix, stir in a little dulche de leche or caramel sauce, enough to color the mix, but not screw up the chemistry of the pancakes.
2. Cook pancakes.
3. Slice bananas into circles and sprinkle brown sugar, sugar, and a little flour on them. Make sure to cover all sides. In separate pan, melt butter and toss in bananas. Mix in remaining dulche.
4. When bananas are brown and crispy on all sides, take out of pan.
5. Layer each pancake in this order- pancake, bananas, whipped cream, pancakes, bananas, whipped cream. Whenever you stop layering, top with whipped cream.
6. Eat.

They’re all really delicious recipes that I’ve tried and perfected over and over. Eat them. They are cheap and tasty.