DiGiorno Four Cheese Rising Crust Pizza

I was feeling lazy today- okay, pull my leg- and wanted pizza. Problem was, I didn’t want to be social and wait around at a pizza place with the potential of social interaction, and I didn’t want to deal with waiting for people to cook the pizza and bring it over. The surgery turned me into a bitch, I guess.

So I dropped by the grocery store to congratulate myself on my new job as a camp counselor and picked up a frozen pizza. I figured I’d get DiGiorno’s, because I wanted delivery, and it is in their motto, if you will. Hefty pizza, for starters. Very heavy.

Inside the box is a round pizza with a good amount of cheese on it. DiGiorno boasts four cheeses on this pizza, including parmesan, mozzarella, asiago, and romano. I put it in the oven and read the back. I’m always amused by the back of the packages, like how they specify that the pizza shown in the cartoon-y illustration on the box might not actually be the pizza in your oven, and such. I wonder what asshats call into customer support for that.

So I waited for the pizza, and after about twenty minutes, it came out. Visually, it’s not a very appealing pizza. The outside ring of the crust was too crispy and hard looking, and the inner, middle part was mushy looking and undercooked.

Cutting into it, though, was different. It was obviously fully cooked and had a nice texture, but having grown up around such good pizzas in my life, I don’t feel like this was really a pizza at all. What they lost in circumference of pizza, they made up for in height. I don’t like that at all. I’m used to big, wide pizzas with a good, crisp crunch to them, where you can eat four huge slices of. Three tiny and squat slices of this was half the pizza and made me feel fat. If anything, this was more like a cheesy bread than pizza. The cheese didn’t melt off and string like good mozzarella does on pizza, it congealed and lumped off.

As for the bread, the advertisement didn’t lie. The crust rose. But no more than I’d have expected a regular pizza to have risen. I gave the ends of the crust to my dog because they were almost sickly sweet and had a honeyed flavor I did not enjoy.

I guess I’m too spoiled to appreciate this. It’s a bread. I was looking for a cornmeal dusted, crispy treat that I could eat a lot of and be full from, and what I got was a dense, thick bready thing.
3/10- AWFUL

Skinny Cow Ice Cream Bonanza

It’s almost time for some hot-weather treats, and this week, the thermostat got up to 77, so my mom broke down and bought that fabled of summer treats, ice cream.

She’s not the kind to get Ben and Jerry’s or, you know, the good stuff, as we grumble, but to her credit, she does bring back new things.

So last week, she sniffed out two new treats at the grocery store, from the Skinny Cow brand.

The Skinny Cow brand boasts one of the creepiest mascots I’ve ever seen, one that looks straight out of a Furry culture wet dream, a slender, dare I say, sexy bovine with a seductively wrapped in a dress measuring ruler to show you all how skinny she is, GASP JUST BY EATING ICE CREAM.

So I was intrigued and decided to try these out for myself.

Skinny Cow Chocolate Peanut Butter Ice Cream Sandwiches. All right, let’s get one thing clear. These do not look like the lovely stock photo. No ice cream you will see, especially a mass-produced one, will look like the photo, with over half the damned thing being peanut butter. Not if it’s low fat.

However, for the customer to accurately judge whether or not they do want to purchase these, they’re in a lovely see-through container. No surprises here, folks.

The ice cream is rich, a little watery at times, but consistent, and I could taste the peanut butter and the chocolate blending very well together. The sandwich is like all ice cream sandwiches- it sticks to your fingers like envelope glue and forces you to develop a layer of chocolate skin by the end of the sandwich.

Not a bad treat, folks. Six to a pack, they go very fast.

7/10- NOT BAD

The next treat I tried by Skinny Cow was their Skinny Dippers, in French Vanilla and Caramel flavors. Sub-par at best, with the mockolate coating chipping off and melting on my keyboard…is it the PPC or the bad chocolate?

The caramel wasn’t a great flavor, just the tiniest hint of a buttery taste, and the vanilla was watery and had the consistency of a popsicle, that’s how much water was in it.


3/10- GROSS