“Son, just give me all of the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait, I worry what you just heard was, “Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.” What I said was, “Give me ALL the bacon and eggs you have.” Do you understand?” -Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation
As soon as I opened this package, I immediately thought of Parks and Rec, our favorite television show, and one of its characters, Ron Swanson, a man whom I’m convinced was created for Swagger. He has a framed poster of bacon and eggs on his wall! I found it duly appropriate to review this while watching the latest episode.
The packaging is pretty badass. Minimal. It knows you want it. It did lack, to my crushing disappointment, the freeze-dried watermelon I salivated over on the package. Another time, Heater Meals. Another time.
The Heater Meals Plus contains all the things you need for camping or alien nuclear war raids, two activities I greatly despise. It has trail mix, an off-brand Lovin’ Spoonful fruit cup, fruit punch, MOAR RAISINS, and the requisite bacon and eggs, one in a soft package, one in powdered form.
GAZE INTO THE GAPING MAW OF SIN, HUMAN.
The weaponry, er, heating device, sometimes sets off carbon monoxide detectors but does not contain carbon monoxide. Whew. It took about twenty minutes to cook the bacon and eggs inside the steaming, quivering container, during which time I witnessed the creation and scent of Hell itself and also could have prepared a dozen eggs and a pound of bacon. Seriously, though, Hell itself. The package, while cooking, releases gritty steam that reeks of sulfur. I may have heard demons laughing inside. But I persevered because I loves me some bacon.
The artillery. It said it would only take ten to fifteen minutes, but it took almost twice that and required a good deal of finagling to make sure the water didn’t spill out of the bag and that the eggs and bacon heated evenly. If I was camping, I’d have just hunted and eaten a bear by now. While I was waiting, I snarfed down the trail mix. It was delicious and salty in all its components. A little raisin heavy, but it gave me the energy to focus on the rest of the meal instead of listlessly wandering off to Burger King in my bathrobe.More evidence of possible Satanic intervention. ZOMG, call Beatrice Sparks!
Unfortunately, not even the black magic of Red Devil hot sauce could save this meal. As you can see, something’s not quite right. That something is the fact that I didn’t adequately mash around the eggs pre-cooking. A justifiable hesitation, as I didn’t want to accidentally risk the bag opening up and barfing liquified eggs all over the kitchen, nor did I care to fondle it for over thirty seconds before it bought me dinner. Er, breakfast. Thusly, the eggs alternated between clumpy and hard pieces and soft, liquidy custard bites. I pretended it was the yolk and cried into my plate softly.
The whole thing was a lukewarm mess, the bacon included. No amount of sauce or salt-free condiments could save those eggs, and the bacon was so far removed from pork it may have well been cat. Transparent, paper-thin slivers of smoke-flavored paper, they were. Jesus Christ. I eventually made it out of the trenches of creepy camping food and made myself a sandwich.