Sometimes I wake up in the morning just feeling inadequate. You know, the blahs, the grumpies, a case of the Mondays, Axis I clinically diagnosed depression, wanting to punch someone in the face. Luckily, I learned one weird old tip from the internet and now I’m a new person.
Here are some of the things this weird old tip taught me to do:
Clean my yellowed, decrepit teeth by comparing them to a fake nail.
Cut down a bit of my belly every day with a straight razor
Shred the electric guitar like a pro- and never practice again!It’s pretty cool. When I’m not making $75 an hour working out of home for Google, I’m staying fit by eating new Lean Cuisine Thai Chicken Spring Rolls. Holy crap. They’re about the size of two wine corks, and about a third of the size of my recently enlarged penis, and fit perfectly in my newly refinanced home’s freezer. I can eat three of them to make a snack, and for the price of $2.59, send them to my homeless cancer-ridden Nigerian princess friend, whose parents are recently deceased, along with my monthly donation of $20,000.It’s okay, though. After she gives me my 2.4 million and Obama gives me my $10,000 stimulus check, I can buy all of the LCTCSR that I want. They’re not bad, either. With all of the non-practicing and non-exercising I do, all that activity makes me want to relax with something a little mild. With over 9,000 eclectic ingredients- white meat chicken, shredded cabbage, yellow carrots, and red curry sauce, I thought they’d be delicious and yet, comforting as a snack.Last Thursday, I made these spring rolls along with a sauce to dip them in. Bitches don’t know ’bout my dipping sauces. It would be much easier if these came with a dipping sauce to add as little or as much zest as you’d like, because the high-quality ingredients deserve a bold seasoning to go along with them. It really undermines the diversity of the components, which are clearly made to taste fresh and flavorful, when none of them are seasoned above a bland paste. It wasn’t an epic fail, but it certainly wasn’t win, either. The texture was perfect, just like a spring roll. It surprised me that three of these were only 200 calories, and Keepitcoming got scared, and said, “You’re movin’ in with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air”. I whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought, “Nah, forget it. Yo’ home to Bel-Air!” I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8, and I yelled to the cabby, “Yo homes, smell ya later!” Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.
But they were decent, with a greasy, faux Asian style texture that didn’t resemble diet food at all. If you do get them, make sure to add a sauce on the side because eating them plain sort of calls you out as a herp derp. Otherwise, they’re a delicious snack to eat alongside your PUDDI PUDDI and share some with Candlejack because it’s pretty gre