If I review one pumpkin product in any given year, it will be the best damned one I can find, and at the moment, I have a sample size population of one, because I refuse to bow to the wills of the god of pumpkin spice, Femcanis Basicious. This is Pumpkin Noosa, and it is not for breakfast. Have you ever wanted to lick pumpkin pie batter out of the mixing bowl? Of course you haven’t, you sick freak. God made cakes for that and cakes alone. Well, thanks to Noosa, you can fulfill that perversity in the quiet of your own home and the silent organization of Target’s buying lists. This yogurt is so uncannily resemblant of pie filling in a dessert that it ought to be legally labeled as such, instead of a breakfast food. Field trip to the FDA? Field trip to the FDA? No takers? Man, you guys suck. Continue reading “Noosa Pumpkin Yoghurt”
Maybe it was the excessive profanity, or distancing from my family, or perhaps the entire butchering and consumption of a whole pig that piqued you, but I’m not necessarily the most observant Jewish person in the world. Specifically, I take an existentialist approach to the whole shebang, short of turning my tallis into an ascot- it’s what you make of it and it’s what it means to you. More specifically, I’m not great at yom kippur, but I always enjoy it, except for the one year that a young men’s rights activist threw out my birthday cake in the 4th grade because my birthday landed on the day of atonement and food fasting. Damn it, Max, I wasn’t even a real woman yet.
But as a holiday, I find it comforting to sit in bed and sip loose lapsang while The Bedfellow and I watxu the 2010 Vienna production of Carmen blast, or bond over a compilation of traffic accident-related public service announcements and contemplate my mortality and the many blunders over the past year that allowed me to avoid it, and overall, determine that it was indeed, a sweet year, and cap the day off with oysters and a rousing listen to kol nidre, brought to you by Neil Diamond in ‘The Jazz Singer’. And this year, we broke the fast with hipster yogurt and unlimited ahi tuna procured from TGI Friday’s offshore river banks. Chag same’ach indeed.
Continue reading “White Moustache Yalta Yogurt”
Disclaimer: I wrote this for Price Chopper on behalf of Collective Bias and developed this recipe for this campaign. All opinions are my own, all concepts are delicious, and my first day of school outfit was awesome, just thought you should know.
My school schedule changes each semester- depending on what classes I’m taking, I don’t know if I’ll have to prepare a dinner to take to school with me or an early breakfast in the morning. If you’ve got a hectic schedule like mine, maybe you’ll want to give my cheesy deli sandwich bake a try! Using products from Hillshire Farm’s all-natural line and Jimmy Dean frozen entrees, I shopped at Price Chopper supermarket and made an easy, breezy, and assuredly cheesy egg bake that can be eaten fresh from the pan, stored for quick baking, or cut into squares for on-the-go breakfast, lunch, or dinner at any time of day. Continue reading “Cheesy Deli Sandwich Bake”
Please, please, please don’t make me leave Arkansas. It’s a secret prayer to the complete and beautifully blanketing anonymity of the internet, where you are a stranger to all but your closest family and friends, a few bosses, and 7 billion random people. I’m sorry that people think it’s a flyover state. I’m sorry that I even know that phrase because I went to a Jason Aldeen concert of my own volition and I liked it, and I’m sorry that I still have a billion restaurants to try and not nearly enough time left in the world. By next Friday I’ll be in Memphis or somewhere in the Northern part of Alabama and fuck those places, because they’re not Arkansas, employment, or a place where I can stay more than a night. Continue reading “Dreaming Cow Blueberry Cardamom Yogurt”
I am a child trapped in the body of a child with the brain of a Sartrian scholar, the breasts of an aging woman, and constant headaches. Thus, it makes perfect sense that at 11AM, I should be vapidly picking at Lunchables Breakfast selections after my morning coffee and commute. I picked up two varieties, Pancake Bacon Dippers and Cinnamon Roll Dippers, and instead of trading them for five Fruit Roll-Ups and a bag of crushed Doritos, I decided to consume a small part of them and then spend the rest of the day regretting it. This is surely an indicator of adulthood.According to Lunchables lore, aka, the wikipedia page that appears to be updated by one person, the carrier of the legend, Superwarrior5000. Bless you, good sir. Apparently Lunchables had an ill-fated breakfast back in the 90’s, so let’s prepare this article for its future fifteen minutes of Buzzfeed fame, ’45 things from the 90’s that you didn’t really miss but vaguely remember and will reblog for the sake of nostalgia and peer pressure.’ Hop-a! Continue reading “Lunchables Breakfast Pancake Bacon Dippers and Cinnamon Roll Dippers”
I wonder if people have a very polarized conception of me- either they find me very lucky, or very unlucky. The truth, like every single other person on the planet, is both. There are days when I attend hip parties and manage to be the coolest person in the room, and there are days when someone hits my car, denies it, and drives back to whatever corner of Illinois favors shit-brown BMW’s. I took photos, guy. This is an entirely normal phenomenon as far as I am concerned. Some days the collective consciousness bends over and sits on my chest and other days, it happily spoon-feeds me chocolate pudding enrobed in gold leaf. Continue reading “Krispy Kreme Southern Classics Banana Pudding and Carrot Cake Donuts”
Dunkin’, I never thought I’d see the day when the hipster trickle-down effect came to your Canton-based doorstep. Kolaches hold nothing but the most tepid of memories for me- first, snarfed down on one of the less traumatic family vacations in a rest stop, then, in Manhattan, snarfed at a small bakery in Clinton. Fast forward three years later, snarfed in the bed of a weird ex who, to my knowledge, now specializes in dumpster diving and ear plugs. Never date art students. Now, in my adventures in the South, Dunkin’ Donuts has seized upon my past adventures in Hershey, Manhattan, and Brooklyn, respectively, and brought the venerable kolache to Arkansas. Continue reading “Dunkin’ Donuts Kolache”
I bought baby food with my gazpacho today, and no, this isn’t a roundabout way of coming out as a sexual deviant. This baby food caught my eye the minute I walked into the store, and from the moment I slurped my soup and gazed upon the hip horror that unfolded on my smartphone before me, I knew I had to give it the ol’ one-two Foodette. Continue reading “Oh, Baby AmazeMint Baby Food”
Yep. Back to Missouri. Can’t let the beast win, right?A few weeks before we made the plan to go, I found a clue. A new lead, like letters underneath fingernails. I think hipsters stole my briefcase. This is entirely based on a piece of paper I found while going through my belongings after switching rooms, a paint sample wedged in between a few Kansas City bus passes that read, in lazy handwriting, “I hope I’m the pain in your poems.” Continue reading “Top 10 Eats in St. Louis, MO”
I’ve finally achieved a level of comfort between unbridled human autonomy and the robot slavery we’re doomed to undergo once automated insurance customer services (I’m talkin’ to you, Blue Cross) and abused Coca-Cola Freestyle machines rear up and conquer us. That comfort level is the Jawbone Up24. It’s gentle- it tells me what to do and when to do it without insisting, like a sweet suggestion from a passive-aggressive partner, but it gets me going and gives me cold, hard statistics on my body rather than the cold, hard stares my general practitioner gives me. Continue reading “Tillamook Honey Cinnamon Crème Brûlée Dessert Yogurt”