Brothers All Natural Strawberry and Banana Crisps

Here’s a snack from Brothers All Natural, a mixture of strawberry and banana fruit crisps. At first, I was really excited to eat these, because I saw the words “freeze dried” and that made me think “astronauts and pee bags,” but then I realized that these were not even remotely affiliated with astronauts. I’m all for eating healthy and organic, but to me, these feel like a consolation prize of a snack than an actual treat.

These were interesting. Part of me felt like I was being a good girl and eating something light, and another part of me felt like I was eating baby treats. When I poured them out of the bag, they made a crinkling sound like broken glass on the desk, a slightly disturbing sound for something I would later ingest.


The banana crisps were slightly better than the strawberry crisps, in that they actually tasted like bananas. That was where the similarity ended. They were milky and creamier than real bananas, but not in a good way. More of an, “I think these are overripe” way. On the Official Scale of Banana Hierarchy, (OSOBH) they were one step above plantain chips, two steps above overripe, bruised, mushy nanners, and one step below delicious green bananas.

I have decided not to draw this out for you, by popular request.

The strawberry crisps had a weird tang and crunch, as though they had way too many seeds inside, and left a chewy, sticky film in my mouth. They turned gummy and flavorless as soon as they hit liquid. I tried to resuscitate them with water, but to no avail. They were dead on arrival.


I had a hard time photographing this, because I had so many thoughts about mortality and fruit. I ended up doing a twelve photo composition with simulated fruit husks and a three page dissertation, but it was completely useless and also non-existent, so I’ve just included some photographs. I wish these were tastier.

Jolly Time Homestyle Popcorn


There is a serious gap in my childhood, I’ve realized, a void that has now been filled with Jolly Time Homestyle popcorn. This variety simulates the experience of making homemade popcorn, and while it may be pertinent to mention that I have never encountered popcorn making in my own home or childhood, an event that may have damaged me psychologically, I can assure you that I have extensive experience with microwave popcorn. However, never before have I seen technology as advanced as the Insta-Bowl Bag patent, a worthy opponent to the traditional bowl or container. The very vehicle used to pop the popcorn transformed in front of my very eyes, dear readers, into a portable receptacle capable of standing up to even the most vigorous of bag handling.


The popcorn was crispy and fresh, and had buttery and salty flavor without feeling weighed down with hydrogenated oil additives- the devil’s flavoring! It could have stood up to a little more salt, though. One large bag fed two of us amply with about a third left to spare, and there were only a few unpopped kernels. Each piece popped to a relatively large size and provided the perfect sustenance to an evening showing of Weeds’ latest episode. It was a delightful snack and an innovative containing concept, and gave me the experience and satisfaction of toiling over a batch of popcorn on my stove with none of the work and hardship involved.

Stouffer’s Corner Bistro Southwest Style Chicken Panini

Everyone has a favorite restaurant they go to, a little hole in the wall with sandwiches from Jesus himself. If you don’t, you can’t possibly be human. I was looking forward to this sandwich because I, like all true-blooded, non-Communist Americans, love a good, melty ‘wich. But after gnawing through a third of this, I can safely say that Stouffer’s Corner Bistro should be condemned and shut down by the health committee.The sandwich looked promising. The bread smelled buttery and was thickly sliced, and there were big pieces of chicken and bacon on the surface. I positioned it on the obligatory crisping tray and set it off, and the microwave was flooded with a pleasant, though buttery, cooking aroma. Not a bad start.I let it sit for a minute while I went about setting up the photo shoot. I kind of went wild with the Southwestern theme. But my efforts were for naught, I tell you! This killed in more ways than The Virgin Suicides and almost hurt my feelings. Before I even tasted it, I knew I hated it. I couldn’t pull the sandwich halves off the tray! I had to wedge a knife under and saw them off, leaving big chunks of bread behind. When I did get them together, the bread was downright offensive. One “crisped” brown spot lay exposed, like a scab on top of a mushy, soaking wet bread, covered in fake butter. It oozed butter to the touch.It was $4.79 at my hideously overpriced university convenience store, though, and I was hungry, so I persevered, maneuvering the grotesquely wet sandwich into my mouth. It was horrid. The bread was the dominant flavor, reeking of fake butter and chewy white flour, leaving a greasy film in my mouth and a shameful sheen on my fingers, and the chicken was spongy and crumbly at the same time. The bacon was sparse and few between, and the southwestern sauce didn’t lubricate so much as glue the entire thing together. The cheese left the den of sin for a better, more fulfilling sandwich.Congratulations, Stouffer’s. I now hate you more than I hated you before. If you need me, I’ll be at an actual deli.

TGI Friday’s Anytime Sliders Sweet and Smoky BBQ

Been going over my demographics with Google Analytics, and I realized that I was sorely lacking in the internet badass department, aged 24-48. As this is a core audience of food bloggers, this post is thus a dedicated homage to you, the WoW elf kingpin, the fantasy football pimp, anon itself…the turbulence behind the tubes. I present to you, the Anytime Sliders.TGI Friday’s Anytime Sliders might look like they’re perfect for a long night of cybering with Janice from Milwaukee, with their cushy bun and hand sized patty, but they’re a little more slippery than I thought. The burger is cooked, whole, in the microwave, and essentially steams in the package.

When I took the burger out of its package, I had only one thought rampant in my mind. “This is smaller than I thought.” Now, I won’t say I’ve never said that before, but rarely in relation to a slider. I expect them to be small, but this is smaller than the tit-shaped mouse I’m considering buying. They felt hearty, though, and were adequately cooked through.Chuck Norris, the OG of internet badassery, salutes you with this slider.

One gripe I had with the cooking process was that the cheese was included in the package and melted all over the plastic and not on the burger, causing me to have a nearly naked patty. Because the cheese adds extra lubrication and is thus easier for neckbeards to swallow, the lack of dairy could cause some throat blockage for consumers. The microwaving process also made the top half of the bun hard and impossibly dry, and the bottom half soggy and covered in meat juice. Realizing that this is a nightmare for bros everywhere, TGI Friday’s definitely loses a core section of their market with such a fatal error.

The patty itself is innocuous, but it’s best to keep it in between the buns. I use this philosophy with food and Chatroulette, and in my experience, it works on both counts. It’s disturbingly hexagonal and is best unseen. I didn’t expect a hand shaped, grass fed Angus patty, but at the same time, I’d rather not play Tetris with my food. The patty is tasty, though be warned- it’s not 100% beef. Part of it is made with TVP, the stuff in veggie burgers, and it tastes of that. It’s soft and juicy, though. With the barbecue sauce, which is more sweet than smoky, it’s not a terrible snack, but is probably not as portable or accommodating as the package insinuates.

Grafton Farms Two Year Old Cheddar

I feel like this cheese is pretty advanced for a vast majority of other two year old products in its region. I mean, color me biased, but if this cheese were in a daycare, it would already be exhibiting fine motor skills and color recognition, unlike Toaster Strudel, who still shits the bed mid-toast.Where this differs from the average toddler is that I am fully confident I could leave this cheese out unattended for an hour or two and come back to find it not full of chemicals from under the sink. Grafton Cheese is all natural, with no preservatives to keep it fresh.The flavor of this cheese is on the higher side of most cheddars I’ve consumed, with a strong and nutty aroma and a robust creaminess, a texture so smooth you’ll swear you were fucking Kenny G himself, and a fantastic melt, with a gently receding exterior and a runny inner core.The cheese is completely natural and its pliable texture basically melts in my mouth. I’m left feeling sated and indulgent, as though I’ve just completed a round of Perfection with time to spare. This ain’t your Kraft Singles, baby. This is the big leagues of cheese.Perfect with apricot preserves and a little sriracha.

What’s even more baller is that Grafton makes older cheeses, so you might want to take a bite out of their five year old gold cheddar. With a cheese like this, it seems like there’s nowhere to go but up.

CONTEST: Pimp My Twat.

It’s not what you think! Unless it is what you’re thinking, and then you’re right.

As you all know, yes, all three of you (that goes for my mother also) I’ve just entered the 21st century and made myself a Twitter account so I can bore you all with even more details of my fascinating life. However exciting that may be, I’m such a dinosaur that I don’t even have a logo for my tweet feed, or whatever.

That being said, I will send ONE LUCKY READER a prize pack of some of my favorite reviewables if they can design me a pithy, brilliant logo. It’s a $29.99 value, ABSOLUTELY FREE! Actually, it may or may not be a $29.99 value. I have to make the box first. But it is absolutely free. The best logo wins. Bonus points for tits.

The official rules of the contest…
1. The contest starts now and ends October 1st, 11:59 EST.
2. Please, no actual boobs in the logo. Or objectionable whatever.
3. Entries must be submitted by email to foodette.reviews@gmail.com and can be no larger than 700k in JPG, PNG, or GIF form.
4. Bonus points for including awesome shit.
5. Winner will be announced prior to the contest and submits their entry with the knowledge that it will be used and exploited on my Twatter.

Good luck! (Special thanks to @Davincivirus for asking the question that sparked this contest.)

Foodette

Bear Fruit Bar: Organic Apple Raspberry

Bear Fruit Bar has dared to definitively answer the timeless question that has haunted the human mind for generations: “Do bears shit in the woods?” Now, we’ve been long accustomed to assume that the correct response is a simple “yes.” Esteemed readers, thanks to my field research with the Bear Fruit Bar, I can accurately report that the truth is not what you’ve been lead to believe. Bears shit 4″ by 1 1/2″ flexible bricks and they are marketed as the Fruit of the Bear.


I sampled the Organic Apple Raspberry flavor. It took a special effort of will to refrain from photographing it on a toilet. Instead, I posed the bar on top of my favorite page of my favorite sternly judgmental book about needlepoint. The bar had a tangy yet innocuous fruity taste. Its more prominent feature on the palate was the presence of densely packed, irregularly shaped fiber particles that lingered in my mouth minutes after taking a small bite. This bar has condensed all the negative features of fresh fruit into a form that even the makers of Soylent Green would consider a little ‘too real.’(On behalf of Foodette Reviews, I would like to thank Keepitcoming Love for taking one for the team and eating this ass, as well as writing field notes on her experience with Bear Fruit.)

Webster Très Jolie Fudge

Keepitcoming and I received this fudge in the mail a little while ago. We really liked the concept of the fudge, made with olive oil and agave nectar, and the flavors seemed eclectic and inventive, paired well with chocolate. We were sent blood orange and pomegranate and cut some slices after dinner tonight to see what we thought.Compared to a normal piece of fudge, which, regardless of flavor, maintains a certain milkiness, the Jolie line is thicker and less melty. The texture, both in our hands and mouths, reminded us of Sculpey clay or a similarly malleable substance. Fudge made without olive oil is softer and creamier.That being said, the flavors were quite good. We much preferred the blood orange, because right from the surface, it smelled citrusy and fruity, and the flavor reminded us of candied orange peels or a Terry’s Chocolate Orange. It wasn’t necessarily identical to the flavor of a blood orange, but it was easily identifiable as orange in essence, and tasted wonderful with the dark chocolate base.The pomegranate was a little harder to detect. With the rich chocolate, it brought about a tangy, fruity base, much like a tart cherry, but pomegranate wasn’t the first thought in our minds. It was still delicious, but it wasn’t the most intense flavor I’ve ever had.Although the texture of the olive oil took some getting used to, we definitely agreed that, given the high quality of the ingredients, it was a valiant effort on the part of the company to utilize non-traditional substitutions and still create an edible and tasty snack.

LesserEvil Black and White Kettle Corn

I had a million and one jokes for this popcorn. I had sex jokes, lines about diversity in snack foods, and overall cracks at healthy foods. But when the time came to sit down and write, I just found it awfully hard to poke fun at this concept.

The LesserEvil product line is rather noble. It has salty and sweet snacks with an obscenely large serving size for only 100 calories. Today, Keepitcoming and I tried their black and white kettle corn, which combined savory kettle corn with chocolate popcorn to create a healthy and tasty treat.Well, they got the healthy right. But how difficult is that for popcorn? It’s not fried and if prepared with no salt and butter, yields a lot of product for very few calories. The coatings on each were liberal, with a slightly heavier, albeit sticky, layer on the white kettle corn.

The kettle corn was sweet and caramely, but really favored the sweet side of popcorn, like a caramel corn, and certainly did not have the same depth of flavors that kettle corn typically has. I prefer a lot more salt, or at least an even balance of salt and sugar on mine. This had more of a buttery flavor and less of a savory aspect. Interestingly enough, all the popcorn in this bag was the durable mushroom popcorn, and had none of the butterfly variety. This made for a very puffy, light texture with a few mushy kernels logged down with coating.Deal with it.

The chocolate popcorn was even less exciting than the kettle corn. I thought it tasted like hot chocolate powder, and Keepitcoming swore it was a distant cousin of Cocoa Puffs. In any case, it didn’t taste like real chocolate and was applied in a glaze form. It was spotty in places and we could see the white popcorn showing through, and really didn’t give us a chocolatey flavor at all.

This was a shame, because I could see this succeeding in many ways that would have kept it healthy without compromising flavor. We wanted to love this, and tried it both dry and with milk, hoping it would succeed as a breakfast cereal. I drool over salted chocolate desserts, and I think that if the chocolate coating was a little more accurate and the kettle corn was regulated to a more balanced flavor, this could be a delicious and addictive treat, but for now, it’s relegated to our snack cabinet.

Sylvester’s Restaurant, Northampton, MA

We’re back with restaurant reviews! And we’re totally pumped. This is fresh off the press from breakfast two days ago when Keepitcoming and my father helped me move into the dorms. Sylvester’s Restaurant is a local classic with a funky history, the namesake being the inventor of graham crackers and a famous nay-sayer of masturbation and all things sexual. Haters gonna hate!

I was surprised to find that the menu included nothing with graham crackers, seeing as it was such a pinnacle of his Grahamite philosophy. Plus, I was really hoping to eat something that would dissuade my avid masturbation, but I digress. We went for sweet and savory. We shared an order of salmon and potato cakes as an appetizer, Keepitcoming went for the ham, apples, and chevre omelet, Dad had the daily special of strawberry coconut french toast, and I went for a grilled cinnamon bun with syrup and butter.The grilled salmon and potato cakes were delicious. Really. While I found the texture to be a little dry, a factor certainly not aided by the stingy application of the remoulade sauce, the flavor shone with a bright, fishy flavor with adequately spiced potatoes. The entire cake was tender and well crisped on the outside, and had a flaky inner core. The potatoes gave it a little heft and made it feel more breakfasty, and the salmon was a nice switch up from crab cakes. Like I said, more sauce would have been nice!My dad’s french toast was different than what I expected. This was similar to the coconut and carrot french toast from Love Bites, in that the fruits were baked into the bread and then pan-fried versus regular french toast with a fruit compote topping. This was moist bread, but lacking in the “oomph” of the flavors that we were really looking for. With syrup, it was delicious, but really had a more muted coconut and strawberry element. Very filling, but it could have stood to be less bland.Keepitcoming had a very rustic, fall-oriented omelet, with apples, onions, chevre, and ham. It really reminded me of a pizza we’d enjoyed at Bread Euphoria with similar ingredients. It was very creamy and indulgent, with the tang and sweetness of the apples and onions playing nicely with the sauce-like cheese.She found the ham a little heavy in the omelet, but enjoyed the flavors. The outer egg held the toppings nicely and was cooked to perfection. I snuck a few bites of this and really liked the textures of all the ingredients. Accompanying this was Sylvester’s homemade sunflower oatmeal bread, a nod and a wink to his profession as a nutritionist. This was buttered and toasted and a fantastic addition to the meal.My cinnamon bun looked small on the plate, but our waitress assured me one would satiate me. She was right. A veritable spiral into gastronomic love, this was one filling pastry. It probably didn’t need all the syrup and butter, but seeing it soaked into the swirls affirmed my decision. It was a yeast raised dough and was very flaky and oozing with streusel. Lots of gooey cinnamon filling. With the toppings, this was a great breakfast. I’d definitely try their other variations on french toast.