In his book, Naked Lunch, William S. Burroughs describes his drugs as “the ultimate merchandise. No sales talk necessary. The client will crawl through a sewer and beg to buy.”
Obviously the drug in question was Five Guys Burgers and Fries.
Vonnegut and I took a pilgrimage to find an excellent burger and hot dog, and to our surprise, a little quick research told us that it was right under our noses, at a fast food restaurant, nonetheless. Off we went. The environment at 5G is very busy and possibly a little hostile. Our order was barked back at us by the Counter Bro not once, but four times, first by us, then by him, and then, when he shouted it at a slightly louder and more authoritative tone, by his cooks, standing readily at attention and mumbling back when he shouted, cowed under the mindless drudgery of a menial, minimum-wage job.
He also called Vonnegut his “bro.” We were not impressed.
Sitting down, we realized that there were fresh peanuts for an appetizer or projectile device, but were a little turned off by the fact that they were sitting on a garbage can. When our food arrived, in a brown paper bag, we quickly tucked in.
Vonnegut ordered a bacon cheeseburger with barbecue sauce, and I ordered a bacon cheese dog. We both split an order of regular fries and had drinks to go along with it. The hot dog was a hefty size, and had been split and grilled until very crispy. Hmm. 5G came prepared. The bread wasn’t anything to write home about, but it held together well and tasted homemade, a refreshing change to the crappy hot dog buns I’m normally used to. The bacon was excellent, and very crispy, and over the entire thing, the cheese had melted and settled pleasantly. The sandwich itself was quite good, and I found that even though 5G doesn’t tout a particularly large hot dog, it’s quite filling in its own right.I was quite happy with the entire thing, especially the hot dog, which had a nice crisp bite to it and chewed well- no gristle or sinew, and no strange flavorings or additives. I’m normally not a fan of Hebrew National, but this hot dog tasted superior to the ones I’ve normally had. Perhaps this chain didn’t use HN? All-beef hot dogs have a very salty aftertaste and often release liquid, making the sandwich mushy, and I tend to frequent pork or turkey dogs because of that, but the grilling might have made this more firm and crispy and less likely to leak.Vonnegut’s burger was delicious. Each patty, because it was hand-formed, was tender and yielded to each bite without slipping out of the bun in a large chunk. It was perfectly cooked and crispy on the outside. I might have liked to see it with a little more flavor, because I didn’t notice a whole lot from the burger itself, but the toppings- a nice, melted American cheese, crispy, crispy bacon like my hot dog, and A-1 barbecue sauce, were evenly distributed and delicious. If both buns were toasted, I would not complain.On a side note, both Vonnegut and I staunchly agree that a sandwich is meat and cheese, and possibly french fries or chips. No sandwich ought to be interrupted by the jolting and fresh distribution of vegetables. Order a salad if you want veggies, but this is a sandwich. Meat and cheese.The fries, though. I wish I could tell you more, but I was in a…bit of a haze while eating these fries. They came out, and be warned- a regular is enough for two, possibly three people. They fill a regular drink cup with the fries, and then throw an extra scoop into the paper bag along with that cup, so you’re basically getting two cups in a “regular” serving.Eating them is an experience, though, a bit like being high. They taste so perfectly true to their original tuber form and are cooked so well that they absorb just a little bit of the oil’s flavor to make a crisp and buttery flavor, but not so much to make them soggy. Every last fry- every single last one, was crispy until the end of the bag, when we finished half an hour later. And the fries needed no salt or pepper, just their natural flavor was enough. They were so crisp and delicious that it was easy to finish a regular order.
These might just be better than Chick-Fil-A’s.5G is a great experience, though, and with their simple menu and decor, it’s a nice taste of how gourmet fast food can be when it tries a little harder. I know I’ll be back for more of those fries in the future!