Recipes take a test drive.

All right, guinea pigs, I have three recipes for you, and they’re both delicious and famous, at least in my eyes. Two of them I lack photos for, so am using shameless stock photos instead. SHAMELESS PHOTOS. Shame them. None of them are mine. I’m just some hack with a blog.

It’s going to be a new feature of mine called The Shameless Foodette. I’m a teen. I make amazing and oftentimes, strange recipes. So I’ll post the best of them here, yes?

If you like these, PLEASE COMMENT. I want to know if I ought to keep this feature.

Chicken Salad
Here’s a favorite of mine. I love chicken salad, but detest the aroma, flavor, and texture of mayonnaise. So I invented this version of chicken salad that still maintains the creaminess and texture of salad without the mayo, and a few additional tasty treats.

Ingredients (serves 4)
4 pieces of flatbread (I use Arnold Select Sandwich Thins)
4 chicken tenders or breast fillets
1/2 cup of mashed potatoes, refrigerated
2 spoonfuls of hummus (plain)
1/3 cup of shredded cheese, any flavor
2 spoonfuls of sour cream or cream cheese
Salt and pepper to taste

1. Turn on stove and cook chicken however you like chicken cooked, though preferably sauteed in a pan.
2. Toast flatbread to a light brown.
3. Mix together the remaining ingredients and microwave for 20 seconds on high.
4. When chicken is finished, take two forks and shred it. Salt and pepper to your liking.
5. Mix shredded chicken into bowl with other ingredients.
6. Spread on bread.
7. Devour.

If it sounds gross, it’s definitely not. I adore it. It’s flavorful, has a little bit of tang from the sour cream and hummus, and still sticks true to the basic idea of a chicken salad.

Ghetto Dog
Another big favorite of mine. I make it when there’s nothing left in the house and when I want to have a quick and cheap, but gourmet, meal.

Ingredients (serves 4)
4 turkey dogs (Definitely use turkey- the taste makes a big difference. Ball Park White Turkey Franks are best.)
2 spoonfuls of ancho-chipotle powder
4 slices of bread
Cream cheese

1. Spiral cut your hot dogs once they’re out of the package. Spiral cutting makes them gorgeous and really crisps them up. Just take a sharp knife and cut into the dog to the bottom without cutting through, like you’re slicing it but faking out at the end. Make as many slices as you can, and cut an “x” in each end of the dog.
2. Take your bread and spread cream cheese on. Trust me on this one. It’s good.
3. Rub the hot dogs with the ancho-chipotle powder, making sure to get into all the cuts and crevices made by the spiral cutting.
4. Put hot dogs on the grill or pan and cook until crispy and browned.
5. Put on bread. Roll up, natch.
6. Consume.

It’s delicious. Just trust me. It’s a creamy, yet spicy taste, like the chicken salad. It’s good.

Pancakes Bananas Foster
I made this one day when I was craving stuffed French toast, but didn’t have any bread. It’s a really tasty and pretty way to start the morning.

Ingredients (serves 4)
Enough pancake mix for 12 pancakes
2 bananas
1/4 cup of brown sugar
Sugar
Flour
Butter
Caramel/Dulche de leche sauce
Whipped cream

1. Start making pancakes. In the mix, stir in a little dulche de leche or caramel sauce, enough to color the mix, but not screw up the chemistry of the pancakes.
2. Cook pancakes.
3. Slice bananas into circles and sprinkle brown sugar, sugar, and a little flour on them. Make sure to cover all sides. In separate pan, melt butter and toss in bananas. Mix in remaining dulche.
4. When bananas are brown and crispy on all sides, take out of pan.
5. Layer each pancake in this order- pancake, bananas, whipped cream, pancakes, bananas, whipped cream. Whenever you stop layering, top with whipped cream.
6. Eat.

They’re all really delicious recipes that I’ve tried and perfected over and over. Eat them. They are cheap and tasty.

The KFC Double Down Sandwich

Well, folks, here it is.

I know what you’re all going to say, and I appreciate it, but the time has come for me to depart this earth. I’ll entertain a few questions. For instance, how I will end my life in a pain-free way.

The answer, friends, is the KFC Double Down sandwich. I never said it had to be dignified.

So I saw this lead on GrubGrade and a few other sites and sniffed it out at a KFC near me. I had to get it. It was just disgusting enough for me to have to eat, and oddly enough, seemed to be Atkins-friendly.

I took this photo from Food Geekery, because in my amazement, I never ended up taking photos. How I acquired that was a mystery, really. I went to my local KFC, looked on the menu. No Double Down. But the employees must have been debriefed for such inquiries, because I asked for one, and they delivered.

So how is this monstrosity? Well, it’s damned good. I’ll tell you that. It reminds me of a MAD Magazine parody a few years back for TGI Friday’s where they offered the menu option to replace your bun with two pieces of fried chicken. Oddly enough, that’s what this is.

Deconstructing the sandwich. It’s two pieces of fried breast fillet, bacon, cheddar cheese, pepper jack cheese, and Colonel’s Sauce, which may or may not be semen from Colonel Sanders himself. The breast fillets are like KFC’s standard fillets. They’re salty. They’re greasy. They’re delicious and crunchy and crispy. They serve as interesting handles for a sandwich. Not sure if it’s the first thing I want my hands all over, but still.

The cheese is quite tasty. It’s all melted and gooey and stays nicely on the chicken, and you can taste the individual spicy flavors of the Jack and the sharpness of the cheddar. Quite good. The sauce…I have no idea what it is. Some quick research tells me I could have one of two limited edition sauces, put out by the Colonel in 1964, a selection of a honey rum or a BBQ. I tasted neither, but did taste a creamier flavor, potentially semen or the cheese melting. The bacon was present. Wasn’t good, wasn’t bad, just added a mildly porky flavor and didn’t really add anything to the meal.

So there you have it, folks. Straight from the horse’s ass. Do you like it? I don’t care. Why? Because I am dying slowly.

8/10- DELICIOUSLY AWFUL

Diet Dr. Thunder


Here’s Walmart’s rebuttal to the popular Dr. Pepper soda brand.

It’s in a silver can, same size, same brown liquid, same scent of cherries, even, but when you take a sip, you taste…nothing. It’s as though Dr. Pepper was filtered through someone’s system a few times, the flavor was leeched out, and you were left with carbonation and little else. There’s no flavor. There’s not even a sugary taste. It’s like drinking scented seltzer.

The bubbles are nice, but it’s essentially, brown seltzer. And who drinks that? This soda isn’t worth the low price you pay for it. I keep opening cans, thinking they’re flukes, and just pouring them down the drain. This is one disgusting soda.

0/10- INEDIBLE

Cakes by CrumbyDelights

I got a selection of cakes in the mail a few days ago and am just getting the chance to review them now.

These are cakes by CrumbyDelights, and I received a few different flavors in the mail. One thing I will mention that I really love and highly recommend to anyone who ships things that need to be kept in one place is this shredded paper.

I’m sure I’d seen it before when used with gifts for my birthday or something, but I like it a lot because it’s festive and nice, but because it serves a purpose, too. When I opened this box, there was a veritable mass of shredded fuchsia paper in there, and it had all clumped together so that the plate inside wouldn’t move. In addition to that, the plate was packaged in a nice hat box, so when I opened it, the cake pieces were as fresh and ready to eat as the day they were packaged.

I tried the first cake, an amaretto and Kahlua chocolate cake first, and I was somewhat on the fence. I’m not really a drinker of alcohol, so I can’t quite tell you if the flavors were accurate, but I do know that Kahlua is a coffee-based alcohol and that amaretto is an almond based alcohol. In that respect, there wasn’t any coffee flavor that I was able to detect, but I might be wrong about the subtle flavors that Kahlua has.

There was a decent amount of almond flavor and a really moist, but dense texture, probably from where the alcohol was. A nice crust was around the cake, and the overall taste was chocolatey and flavorful.

6/10- MMMM.

This cake was a pecan rum cake, with a really nice streusel on the top. It had a very tropical flavor to it, potentially from the rum, and the texture was much better on this cake than the last. It was definitely airier and fluffier and had less of a heavy and dense texture to it. The crumbs fell apart in my mouth, but not in my hands, and were moist and tasty.

As for the taste, the pecans really made it a more interesting dessert than if it was simply a rum cake. They were nestled in a nice glaze on top, and the streusel made a moist top crust as well as middle, too. I’d like to see this with pineapple incorporated, perhaps, or a cream cheese frosting. The alcohol flavor was there in strength, in the intensity of the flavor, but not so much in the overall taste of the cake.

7/10- GREAT

The last cake was a plain almond cake with a dusting of powdered sugar. It had the same texture as the chocolate cake, the same spongy, but extremely dense cake. It reminded me more of a pound cake than any other type.

The almond flavor was present and good. It was a nice mixture of a vanilla cake taste and the almond extract I assume was used. There was a nice crust covering the cake, a chewy, brown and nearly caramelized crust that made the inside even tastier.

6/10- NICE

Crumby Delights
crumbydelights.etsy.com

Snapple Diet Peach Green Tea


I tried this tea late last night, after a hastily prepared chicken sandwich and a hot walk outside. I was looking forward to a refreshing, cool, and tasty beverage. All I got from this was the cold. And that was from an effort entirely of my own, as a result of refrigerating it prior.

This drink was just gross. Everyone has had canned peaches or fruit before, right? There’s always that residue of sugary, thick syrup at the bottom of the can that you either incorporate into a recipe or throw out. It appears that the Snapple company has made alliances with the canned fruit industry to take that syrup juice or whatever you call it and simply bottle it for their own profit.

The result is a sickly-sweet, thick liquid that refreshes less than it coats the throat. It’s too saccharine to drink more than a sip or two, and if there’s any peach flavor, I couldn’t find it. The dominant taste was of concentrated green tea and goop. Not a fan. Never will be. If this is the diet version, I hate to try what the sugared kind is like.

1/10- YUCK

PattyBakesCookies

I got in another package a few days ago from Patty, a baker from Brooklyn. Patty has been baking for a long time, ever since she was a little girl, but started up her business as part of a dream she and her husband had, and in the wake of his death, worked and worked and now sells her cookies to all!

Patty sent me a selection of her three top cookies- peanut butter, double chip, which is a chocolate chip and potato chip cookie, and cowboy cookie, with chocolate chips, raisins, oatmeal, and coconut.

The cookies were fresh from a recent Irish festival she’d participated in, and were tied with a pretty green bow on top. Each pack of cookies held two, and they’re of a good size, so it was more than enough for me!

I tried the double chip cookie first. It was a little crunchier than I would have liked, but was good. This was an interesting experience for me. I’ve never tried a cookie with potato chips before, and it was a nice and salty, if slightly bland, flavor. The texture of the potato chips was interesting, too. Again, definitely something I’d try again.

6/10- GOOD

The next cookie was a peanut butter cookie. Now, I love a good peanut butter cookie, and the addition of granulated sugar just makes it even better. The cookie was crumbly, and quite tasty. I generally prefer a more complex and differentiated peanut butter cookie, but this was a good and simple recipe. Reminisces of molasses and a sweet, burnt nut flavor were present. A good cookie.

6/10- TASTY

The last cookie I was sent was the famous Cowboy cookie, with coconut, oatmeal, chocolate, and raisins. I don’t like raisins in cookies or anywhere, quite frankly, but there weren’t enough raisins in these cookies to bother me, per se. The bottom of the cookie was nice and crisp, and the coconut had toasted a little and added some moisture to the cookie’s overall texture.

The chocolate chips and oatmeal also added a unique texture to the cookie, creating a rather interesting creamy flavor and mouthfeel. I liked this cookie, but felt that it could have been a little softer. That being said, though, the ingredients were all top notch.

8/10- MMMM!

Patty Bakes Cookies
pattybakescookies.etsy.com

Red Baron Premium Deep Dish Pepperoni Singles

I’ve been eating out of the freezer lately, going through the deep recesses of my ice box to grab whatever strikes my fancy as edible. I realize that most freezer foods aren’t haute cuisine, but shit, it’s summer, and damned if I have any effort or motivation to cook something.

Yesterday, while with The Brownie Whisperer, we decided to heat up two Red Baron mini pizzas. These pizzas are roughly the size of a small frisbee, a bedside table clock, or one of Flava Flav’s necklace watches. About five inches in diameter, these are pretty large for miniature pizzas. They are about 3/4 of an inch thick, with a nice, crispy crust on the outside.

I strongly recommend making these in the oven. When they come out, the crust is crispy, with a slight oiliness on the bottom, and an almost buttery flavor. The depth is perfectly proportioned- not too crispy, but not deep enough so that the fillings make the pie soggy.

The cheese covers each pizza perfectly, and there’s enough pepperoni on the pie so one gets a good chunk in each bite. The sauce is typical frozen pizza sauce- too sugary, reminiscent of a watery spaghetti sauce mixed with kool-aid or something. But that’s the norm. I’ve never had a frozen pizza where the sauce has been decent.

All in all, not a bad snack. I’d easily eat two of these in one sitting.

8/10- GREAT

Bagels, bagels, bagels!

Got four flavors of gourmet bagels yesterday, in the mail.

The flavors delighted me. I was all too pleased to try them. Being Jewish, I’ve discovered many a bagel in my life. They were a traditional staple of our household in Sunday mornings, and made all sorts of good recipes. Many was the day where I’d come home to look in the freezer, only to find that paper bag stuffed full of bagels.

These four flavors of bagels were no less than the ones we had, some slightly less kosher, though. My sampler pack, from Eleanor, also known as eeka13 on etsy, had a vegan apple cinnamon, a garlic, onion, and the crown glory, a bacon cinnamon bagel.

The bagels came wrapped neatly in wax paper, which I highly appreciated because there’s nothing worse than biting into something and finding that whatever it’s been mixed with in the packaging has contaminated its flavor. Each was labeled so I could easily seek the bagel I so desired.

The first bagel I tried was the vegan apple and cinnamon. To be quite honest, I wasn’t as excited about this bagel than the others, for good reason. I mean, someone managed to put bacon in a bagel. But I popped it in the oven and got on with it.

The funny thing is, it was much better than I had originally assumed! There was an apple glaze on top, and the bagel was delightfully infused with lots of cinnamon flavor. If this was vegan, I wouldn’t have guessed. The cell wall definition was great, many tiny bubbles infused in it, with only the smallest of yeast-like tastes to it. Overall, this was a really great bagel for vegans and non-vegans.

7/10- DELICIOUS

The next bagel I tried was the onion bagel, with pieces of purple onion on top. It was attractive, all the bagels were. They are chubby for miniature bagels and have a pretty wash on top to make them shiny.

The onion bagel smelled like onion, but when sliced, the taste had not much onion at all. The top half had it, but not so much the bottom, and I think that was only because the top had the pieces of onion on it to begin with. It wasn’t as bubbly with the cell wall, and had a crumblier texture than the others. I wasn’t too impressed.

4/10- ALL RIGHT

The garlic bagel was another one that I didn’t expect to be as good as the others, but one that completely blew me away. Slicing into it, it had a mild scent of garlic, with a nice texture and softness to the inner bread. When I toasted and ate it with butter, it was like eating garlic bread from a restaurant. It toasted perfectly, with an outer shell for a good, crunchy crust, and a delicious inner fluffiness that was almost infused with garlic flavor.

This bagel was also great with cream cheese.

9/10- AMAZING

The last bagel was the cinnamon and bacon bagel. This was a monstrous bagel, even for a miniature. If this bagel was a horse, it would be a slightly obese Shetland pony. Anyhow, the taste. Unfortunately, this bagel was a little more crumbly than the garlic, the standard by which all bagels are now judged, but toasted up nicely.

Topped with a little bit of butter, this was not a bad bagel at all. I just wasn’t as impressed with the flavor as with the garlic. There wasn’t as much cinnamon as in the vegan bagel, and the pieces of bacon were present, but not as flavorful. I really wished that this had more flavor to it.

6/10- GOOD

eeka13.etsy.com
AWESOME BAGELS.

Mallo Cup


Another Southern favorite. I’m not really a fan of coconut, so when I saw these, I balked, but my cousin convinced me to get one and try it.

It’s billed as a chocolate cup with whipped cream. The cream is not whipped, at least, not in the sense that you’d expect, but that’s what makes it so incredible. The chocolate is average, and the coconut is not so intense like an Almond Joy, but it’s more sprinkled on top and adds to the texture, but doesn’t conflict.

The cream is what completes the mallo cup. It’s creamy and delicious and the texture is just gooey enough to make it a really complex mouthfeel, but not gooey in the marshmallow sense that it gets sticky and gross.

6/10- GOOD

A small plug.

Le sigh. Well, I warned you.

So my friend, The Brownie Whisperer, has started a new blahg. And it advertises just what you readers have been looking for- unwarranted attacks against yours truly and brownies.

He’s linked to my side. Visit him and poke him and encourage him to bake brownies for me so I can review them.

www.thebrowniewhisperer.blogspot.com