Trader Jacques’ Beurre Meuniere Popcorn

I miss Paris, but lately, I’ve been feeling pretty lucky to have not come down with gluten issues while there. I found this gem at Trader Joe’s while elbowing West Hartfordites for the last litre of coconut water and bitching about the price of Udi’s. Popcorn isn’t my favorite snack, but I do love the flavors it can come in. What is it about popcorn that makes manufacturers so adventurous? Frito-Lay, where’s my brown butter and lemon potato chips? My pumpkin seed and caramel pretzels? This popcorn made me squeal, then go through the seven stages of grief at a distinctly rapid pace as I checked for the gluten-free label. Luckily, it’s safe to eat, so I grabbed a bag and ran home.

On a whole, I’m more inclined to buy bagged popcorn than I am to make it myself. It’s less greasy, has better toppings, and there are none of those terrifying unpopped kernels. Trader Joe’s makes a reliably good popcorn- super creamy, with a crispy, fresh crunch. The idea of brown butter powder intrigued me, and when combined with lemon, thyme, and other herbs, it sounded pretty magical. The popcorn is plentiful, very francophilian, but is somewhat of a kvetch-22. It has lots of tasty flavor powder, but that powder does make it much messier.

The brown butter flavor is nuanced- the lemon is surprisingly strong and fresh, followed closely by the thyme. Both give a bit of a sweet, epicurean edge to such a typically savory snack. Unfortunately, the brown butter isn’t as noticeable as one might expect or desire. Crunched quickly, the lemon is the primary discernible flavor, leaving the butter behind in a gently nutty, toasted finish. This ends up tasting somewhat redundant as popcorn already has that flavor. I’d have liked to have a better balance of sour and savory, perhaps with some sea salt flakes or less lemon. Tasty, but not as distinct as I’d anticipated. 

Luna Fiber Bars Peanut Butter and Strawberry

Amidst all the hustle and bustle of moving, I found one of my old journals tucked into a stack of old cookbooks while getting my stuff together. It’s from 2008, and unsurprisingly, contains a ridiculous amount of food descriptions, drawings, and grocery lists. There are sandwiches with French fries stuffed in the middle. Recipes involving multiple baked goods in one item. One list just says, ‘Cheetos (4)’ and I’ve been scratching my head trying to figure out what the hell that means. Did I really intend to get four bags of Cheetos? Or four different kinds of Cheetos at the same time?

If I’ve made any positive changes since then, it’s certainly been better eating habits. Having foregone the temptations of the dining hall early on, cooking for myself has challenged me creatively and nutritionally. I haven’t completely reached my goal of totally healthy, clean eating just yet, but I feel like I’m well on my way to doing so. The latest addition of a microwave in my life has made things infinitesimally easier. Strangely enough, it’s been about a year since I’ve had a microwave, and I’m still timing things in 45 minute or 2 hour increments based on what I can make in the oven. So sometimes, I don’t cook and just grab a quick, healthy snack.

With all my errands today, that snack was a few Luna Fiber bars. The internet sent them over, and just when I needed them, there they were, along with ground coffee, cognac, and instant cake from today’s UPS shipment. They come in three flavors—strawberry and peanut butter, raspberry chocolate, and blueberry vanilla. Because I had errands today and wasn’t able to eat breakfast, I ate all three within the course of the day so I could stay full and do what I needed to get done. I thought the PB and strawberry was the more exciting of the flavors, and coincidentally, it was also my favorite. The texture is fantastic, like a soft peanut butter cookie or a homemade Fig Newton. It’s a really well-made bar, with a yielding, chewy outside topped with sugar and a jelly filling. However, it is really tiny- like, eaten in three bites tiny. It would be perfect were it not for the cloying, overly sweet protein flavor. Much better than regular Luna bars, filling without feeling too healthy, but still has a ways to go. I think it’s still the best dessert-like protein bar, but falls short of Fiber One in terms of indulgence.

Sample Disclosure
I received this for free, it came in a cute box, and I wasn’t influenced by the free-ness of the stuff, but was really happy to eat it for breakfast as prior to said bar acquisition, I was replete with merely cake flour, old sausages, and booze. Luna, thank you for not driving me into obesity and a sad, dark life.

Goldfish Macaroni and Cheese Mac and Cheese Cheesy Pizza

This forced socialization thing is hard. No, scratch that, it’s the worst. Hard is having to merge on a busy highway, or open a bag of Sun Chips quietly. This is DMV-levels of Millenial discomfort. With a lethal combination of a wheezy air conditioner, the worst internet connection ever, and no snacks, I’ve forced myself out of the house in my finest linen shirts and Birkenstocks to the comforting, suffocating embrace of a local coffeehouse. The internet thing is especially killing me. I can’t fully describe the sheer rage I feel toward DataJack, only that it combines the slow pain of walking on hot pavement with the rising force of anger I feel only when I read articles on Fox or see photos of other people eating pizza online, with the exception of the fact that I can no longer even read those articles or ogle those cheese drips, because photos load with a speed that makes dial-up look advanced.

So, now I’m here. I’m backed into a tiny corner with my back against some exposed brick and what looks to be a trendy reclaimed wood installation of mountains jutting from the wall. I have traded $4 and my dignity for an iced chai and have awkwardly negotiated the usage of an outlet so my aging HP can function. If one more person asks me to share a table, I might cry and start making a barrier with my laptop bag, French-English dictionary, and sunglasses case so I don’t have to see the raging trendiness in their eyes and the ensuing realization that the grown woman next to them is still hiccuping, twenty minutes later.

I tried to prepare myself for this in the best way that I could. Before I ventured out into public, I bought four boxes of macaroni and cheese and a package of toilet paper at Wal-Mart. As you may know, this exclusive set was nominated for a ‘Worst Combination Award’ at this year’s Retail Stars gala, and swept the category, closely tailed by ‘tampons and cat litter,’ and ‘any Eddie Murphy DVD’. Regardless, I brought home my bounty and am going to savor the ensuing reviews. Today’s antisocial special, brought to you by a dead childhood, is Goldfish Macaroni and Cheese Mac and Cheese Cheesy Pizza.

Admittedly, I was less excited about the flavor and more excited about the pasta- solid, thick, fish-shaped pieces? Sounds like orichiette for children, and I love me some tiny ears. Plus, my affinity for macaroni and cheese that tastes like snacks that taste like other snacks is still raging hard. The box title is ridiculous, the back of the box reminding me why I’m happy I don’t have an unpaid marketing internship, as it primarily details, in subtle comic form, the tragic, yet concisely gritty recounting of the murder and disembodiment of the protagonist’s peers before he, himself, is consumed. It’s like Quarantine, but for kids.

Alas, it wasn’t meant to be. I should have known when I saw the crudely-rendered pieces, shaped like rejected Pokemon pasta from the mid-2000’s, or smiling tennis rackets, destined to crumble under the relentless pressure of my spoon. Sixteen minutes to boil, coincidentally the amount of time I need to cry into my pillow, and they were done. A pugnacious herbaceousness. A faint whiff of dairy, from the last of my imported French butter, and a single, cheesy tear down my cheek. I needed no further motivation to leave the house.

Sneak Peak and Trend Prediction for the 2013 Summer Fancy Food Show

Four solid years and here we are – the Summer Fancy Food Show is easily my favorite event of the entire year, birthdays, new car days, and No-Pants Thursday notwithstanding. We’ve been preparing, rejecting outfits, schmoozing with the finest of friends, and receiving samples left and right before the show to give you a sneak peek of what to expect from this year’s new products.

PS- I’ll give you the final update of Day 3 of my Cleanse tomorrow!

Trend Prediction

Here are the top five trends I anticipate seeing. In checking out the sofi nominees, perusing the exhibitor list, and receiving press releases, it looks like the surge of healthy ingredients in foods has not ebbed (although I’m still waiting for Cheetos to make a glorious return) but in the interest of separating from the gluten-free and ‘light’ trends of the past, now, fresh ingredients are taking a stand. We’ve been seeing tons of snacks and drinks that have been including coconut and supergreens/fruits. Here’s a breakdown at the top five trends I anticipate seeing throughout the year.

1.     Healthier/artisanal instant beverages

This is a particular favorite of mine as I absolutely adore instant drinks. Companies like Barnie’s Coffee Kitchen are crafting gourmet instant coffee packets, a trend I’d love to see with other microbrew coffee brands. Agave nectar from True Agave is making its debut, and also featured are a few variations of instant coconut water, and coconut water ice treats to cool your beverages down.

2.    Versatile, curious teas 

Savory teas and bi-temperature curious iced and hot teas are making their debut at the show from Numi and more.

3.      Sundried tomatoes

What used to be an afterthought on Italian-esque sandwiches is making a bold, flavorful comeback in condiment form. Pesto, ketchup, mayonnaise, tomato sauce, and more are being featured – I’m still waiting on chocolate-covered tomatoes.
4.      Exotic spices and alcohol in ice cream and candies

Jeni’s Splendid Ice Creams featured a meringue and absinthe ice cream this spring, and now Three Twins is bringing their cardamom ice cream to the show. Gelato Petrini is also showcasing their pistachio cardamom chip gelato and pineapple prosecco sorbet. Above, Marich debuts their coconut-curry cashews and dark chocolate chipotle and caramel almonds. And cat packaging from Monty Bojangles.


5.      Goat’s milk and sheep’s milk in various desserts and products

Greek yogurt has had its day in the sun, but how about sheep yogurt? Bellwether Farms is bringing their sheep’s milk yogurt to the show, along with goat cheese cheesecake and breakfast cheese from Belle Chevre, goat cheese pearls from Artisan Biscuits, and Rogue Creamery’s Blue Heaven blue cheese powder.


Here’s a small sample of the treats I’ve been receiving lately—no doubt you will see many more as the show continues! From this selection, I think this is going to be one of the best shows yet. There are some real knockout products here!

Cookies, candies, and confections abound- these seasonal cookies from Dr. Lucy’s were excellent, and packed with pumpkin puree. As were the other seasonal varieties, Merry Mint, Holiday Sugar, and Maple Crunch. I ate them in mere days!

Chuao is debuting their latest flavors at the show, too, in Orange-A-Go-Go and Pop Corn Pop. The latter really excited me, as it seeks to provide not only the flavor of popcorn, but the sensation of popcorn popping. Meta, anyone? I think it’s the best bar from Chuao yet, but you’ll have to read my deeper analysis after the show!

Tonewood’s exquisite maple wafers are up for a sofi- sweet, melting maple flavors in gorgeous packaging.

Hella Bitters from Brooklyn- perfect for the Old Fashioneds I’ve been dying to make the Bedfellow.

Brownie Points sent this gigantic red velvet brownie over along with about fifty other delicious treats- from this alone, I’m really impressed. It’s a massive, gooey confection with a thick layer of cream cheese frosting, like a portable layer cake, and wasn’t too sweet at all.


Queen City is back again, with more delicious schnecken! They’re bringing tons of flavors with them this year, like pumpkin, chocolate, and mallow magic, too.

Kelapo Coconut Oil, good for the skin, good for the food. And extra-good for the paleo banana pancakes I made this morning.

Last, but not least, butter and oat shortbread from Duchy’s.

Also, this. See you at the Fancy Food Show, everyone! I’ll be Instagramming, photographing, recapping, and stuffing my face. Juice cleanse who?

Oreo’s Wonderfilled Campaign

Oreo’s latest ad campaign, Wonderfilled, features a song by a man who literally goes by the name Owl City! That’s the most absurd thing I’ve found out all week, outside of the realization that I am going to have to obtain internet via exposure therapy. Seriously, Starbucks is my ninth level of hell. I hope that’s how he’s billed at Jiffy Lube and how the servers shout his order at Five Guys. Owl City. On the plus side, the hipster swooning that elicits must be insane. In any case, I received the press package for the campaign this week, which contained an Oreo book, and a set of three things to play, learn, and share: an iPod loaded up with the new Owl City song, an Oreo-shaped thumbdrive, and Oreos. I sense a theme!

Having already forced my latest bedfellow (henceforth known as Bedfellow) to read the book with me, which made for an entirely awkward evening, I decided to focus on the song bright and early in the morning, while my ears were at their keenest. The campaign is pretty cute and centers around aggressively tying the abstract concept of ‘wonder’ to America’s favorite cookie. “Wonder can be twisted, licked, dunked, stacked, rolled, crunched, nibbled, and savored,” which makes me wonder (see what I did there?) if I ought to change my name to Wonder. Wonder Watsky has a swell ring to it.

I’m a food critic, but I decided, then and there, that I could also be a music critic. The song is obviously called ‘Wonderfilled,’ not to be confused with ‘Wonderwall,’ or ‘Wonderful’ from Wicked, and starts off ominously, as the only file on the iPod is called ‘OREO WONDERFILLED ANTHEM’ which makes me wonder if I’ve stumbled onto a top-secret plot to take over the world with Oreo cookies. If so, it would totally work. Bitches love Oreos.
But not with this song. Oreo City lays down a thick beat that I immediately want to snort a line of cookie crumbs to, then quickly transitions into some straight-up autotuned jams. There is a story, and the ending leads to roads paved of cookies and cream and triangle-accented syllables. It’s precious. Too precious. I mean, it’s literally the most twee thing I’ve ever set eyes to, and I willingly read Kristin Chenoweth’s entire memoir. I’m not sure that Oreo should have something more saccharine than its cookies advertising them.
Owl Cookie puts a friendly flair on some dour dope fairy tales. I was definitely not aware of the fact that the three little pigs were killed in any non-Oreo related versions of the story, but now that I do, I’m damned glad I have some Oreos to eat away the post-traumatic stress with. Wonderfill my belly! Vampires turn vegetarian, sharks share things and ‘cuddle up with giant squids for a friendly meal’ that apparently consists of nothing but cookies, and I end up dying from diabetic shock from the sheer campiness of the song alone. It’s cute, catchy, and dreadfully unsubstantial.

Now that I’ve wholly established that I’m not going to be the next Ben Brantley, let’s move to an Oreo product I picked up at the grocery store, Oreo Cookies ‘n’ Cream Jell-O Pudding! Full FCC/blogger disclosure: I ate this out of a Tupperware container and I have no regrets, because it’s one of the best Oreo-flavored products on the market.

So many of these lose that iconic flavor, even, in some cases, the Oreos themselves when they’re flavored with berries or sorbet, so it was a real pleasure to dig into this and find that the flavor of the cookies was as bold as ever. The pudding is extremely thick, at least it was when I made it, and features huge chunks of cookies that vary in size, so some are soft and cake-like when you eat the pudding, and others are still crispy.
The flavor is great- the pudding itself doesn’t overshadow the salty, sweet cookies with too much sugar or flavor, despite the huge imbalance in between the ‘crème’ and the cookie component. What I liked best was that it appeared that Kraft only used the wafer part instead of crushing up Oreos with crème inside, which would have certainly upset the balanced flavor.

A great treat, and a fun one for stuffing inside Oreos and mouths.

Betty Crocker Cotton Candy Cookies

I’m back! I have approximately 200 words and 2 billion citations (CMS, natch) in between me and a shiny, special undergraduate degree, and I can guarantee you those 200 words will literally be the death of me. I am going to die with my hands frozen in the position of typing the word ‘gendered’ as a result of this paper. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing more that I love in God’s beautiful world than writing about feminism, food, gender ambiguity, and psychology, but a girl needs to eat and see the light of day every so often.

A recent adventure to Target yielded this gem of a product, the likes of which can be found in no other place on the internet, including the venerable Ms. Crocker’s website. The package tells me these, along with their frosting, are a Target exclusive. They’re easy to prepare- one stick of butter and an egg and they’re set. Unfortunately, I now know the psychological implications of these additions as a result of reading way too much Freudian psychology comingled with Crocker history. The egg is supposed to satisfy my need to have many, many babies. Thanks, Ernst Dichter!
The mix is classic unicorn cocaine plus sprinkles. There is the option to add frosting, if you want to undergo death by dental assistant.

I like these, but I can’t quite tell why. I think the sweet, vague resemblance to other sweet things- maple syrup, raspberry donut filling, and bubble gum, with the lemony undertones, make them enjoyable cookies, but they don’t distinguish themselves in the same way other aggressively flavored, sweet confections, like Thin Mints or cotton candy itself do. Their texture is almost perfect- grainy, obviously sugar-heavy, and incorporates the unusual addition of corn cereal which gives the cookies a layered, flaky heft, but they crumble so easily in both cooked and uncooked form that they’re difficult to eat.

They’re fun cookies, but on my current fun scale of my life, with ‘finals and uncomfortable family gatherings’ at one end of the spectrum and ‘spontaneous fauxhawks’ at the other end, these rank somewhere in the middle, lumped alongside walking to school and talking to professors. Do I enjoy these activities? I suppose. Would I willingly do them? Rarely. These cookies are just good enough to give to my neighbors- the ones who didn’t egg my front door.

HannahMax Baking Sea Salted Peanut Butter Crunchy Cookie Chips

Peanut butter cookies! For my day off. And by ‘day off,’ I mean, ‘day to do more work,’ and by ‘work,’ I mean, ‘drink and halfheartedly peck out a paper on feminism and cookbooks.’ But I’m drinking responsibly, MOM, by eating as I sip. And I am eating these cookies from HannahMax. I do not recommend pairing them with gin. Also, if you’re like me and have repeatedly confused HannahMax with Ashley Madison, you’ll be pleased to discover the former is about as wholesome as the latter is not. All natural ingredients and delicious flavors. The only obvious flaw is that cookies that are as thin and easy to eat as chips are potentially life-destroying.

Sea salt and peanut butter almost takes on a savory flavor. It’s the least sweet of the four flavors I tried, and was my personal favorite. While as with most products advertising a salted component, I would have liked to see more salt, this was still a solid cookie, especially with the addition of salted chopped peanuts.

The packaging is the only flaw I personally had trouble with. While I enjoy the concept of dessert as chips, roughly 60% of each package was cookie crumbs. I feel as if this had less to do with the cookie itself as it did with the container, a malleable, resealable bag. Something similar to a Pringles can would allow the cookies to stay within their concept of chips and not get so frustratingly mashed up in the process. It just made it messier and a little more shameful to eat in one serving while watching Twin Peaks. I mean, sitting around in a sweatshirt. I mean, working?

Snap Infusion Mel Naturally Designed Supercandy

My life is so busy. I am such a busy, important person. What does someone with such a jam-packed, watch-checking life need? A new candy! A new candy because I am perpetually bored with life, filled to the brim with existential ennui as my special, paper-free Generation Next smartphone-delivered horoscope would have me believe. Right now, or at least, until the next popular Buzzfeed article, that candy is Snap Infusions, a naturally designed supercandy that appeals to my busy and important life because it is also moving too quickly to do silly things like type out the word “caramel,” choosing instead to label it “MEL.” We’ll come back to that. The package is covered in more holographic noise than your favorite sweat-stained Pokemon card, and even features jizz-like blobs on the surface. It’s also filled to the brim with keywords like “energize,” “protect,” and “balance,” making it the confectionary equivalent of NeuroPassion.

MEL is small and turd-like in appearance, and tastes like poorly made Milk Duds. The chocolate coating is scuffed and has a crumbly, cheap flavor to it. The caramel would be inoffensive if each penny-sized piece wasn’t packed with more additives than a Flintstones vitamin. I can almost smell the freshly ground B12. The pleasantly salty nugget quickly transforms into a bitter-flavored chew, making each bite like eating a protein bar, torturous piece by piece.

Snap Infusions employs four catchy IM-style titles for its products that range from asininely short to all-caps words bordering on Inception. Reading the descriptions for GUM made me wonder if GUM was an automatic replacement for another, non-GenNext sanctioned activity. “I use GUM day and night. GUM gives me the energy I need. I like to take GUM the old-fashioned way, with a rolled-up BFranxxx and AmEx card. Amirite? Amirite? GUM, ladies and gentlemen!” It sounds like an old Robin Williams sketch.

Speaking of things you take up the nose, ounce for ounce, MEL may cost more than cocaine in a glam-packed neighborhood. $2 for ten candies puts them at 20 cents apiece, a steep price for boiled sugar and the hopes and dreams of innocent athletes. Then again, Snap Infusion’s website would argue that it’s a small price to pay for not “ending up a dried-out shell of [your] former self.” As someone who may or may not have modeled for the “before” side of weight-loss scamvertisements, I take liberty in quoting from the late Roget Ebert (Houston, I sense a trend) in saying that someday, I may be thin, but Snap Infusions will forever be known for creating this awful candy.

Dole Fruit Crisps Apple Cinnamon

Does the idea of following through with a recipe send you into a shock so cataclysmic that you enter a catatonic state? Are you so fearful of measurements and temperatures that your psyche literally shuts down? If so, Dole Fruit Crisps may be diagnostically appropriate for you. Filled with chunks of real fruit, a delicious oat and brown sugar crisp, and the comforting, calming effect of a Valium placebo, these innovative instant desserts allow you to escape to a blissful, premade fantasy world both inside your mind and mouth.

Dole sent over a selection of their new Fruit Crisps, along with a pair of fluffy socks, a cozy scarf, and an aromatic candle specifically for this purpose. I’ll admit, I was confused at first- did they want me to eat the Fruit Crisp or seduce it? But on a more serious note, I’d like to personally thank Dole for rescuing me from the brink of this existential suicide. I, too, was afraid to cook or bake because I saw no point in the exhaustive motions and eventual, self-hatred motivated caloric binge, but now I don’t have to. Not only does each Fruit Crisp only have 120 calories, it actually tastes like dessert.
As many critics drink water or eat a neutral food so their palate is objective and cleansed, so did I with the supplemental comforting clothing, stripping down to nothing but the scarf and comfortable socks. I observed both to be very cozy and was immediately lulled to a relaxed state, as they reminded me of beds and grandmothers, with the notable exception of my lonely nudity. I lit the candle, too (from a local New York candlemaker, which I wholly commend) and within mere hours, my studio was filled with the tantalizing scent of fresh apple crisp. Bam, it smelled like I actually did something for three hours. I felt accomplished and very cozy. With that in mind, I highly recommend setting the mood in such a fashion.
Then, I cracked open the Fruit Crisp. I decided to try Apple Cinnamon, as I was feeling frisky and spicy from all of the new things I’d done.Dole recommends trying their Fruit Crisps warm—personally, I prescribe them that way. Frankly, there’s no other way they should be eaten, as the difference in heating is the difference between crying yourself to sleep and writing a motivational Tweet. They taste awful when they’re cold. But warm, these are fantastic.  
The fruit is soft, and the base sauce, though weirdly gelatinous, is filled with spices and lets the flavor of the apples shine through without overpowering them. The crisp is heavily spiced in this – I can’t speak for the other flavors, but in this one, it was perfect, with a heavy cinnamon and nutmeg flavor. Dole nailed all of the aspects of a crisp in bite-sized, two-minute form. Both my hunger and mental stability are back to a maintained, relaxed state. Thanks, Dole! Remember, do not use Dole Fruit Crisps if you are in any way sensitive to delicious fruit, dazed with ennui, or allergic to fluffy, fuzzy socks.

Davio’s Northern Italian Macaroni and Cheese Spring Rolls

Now that I’m navigating the world as an intrepid, paunchy bachelor, I’m finding that food just isn’t holding as much compel as it used to. Rather, it’s taken a backseat to the exciting minutia of single adult life, like perusing the dismal grocery selection, where the Alpo is literally next to the Campbell’s, at the local convenience store with the appraised eye of a Storage Wars veteran.

So, as I briefly alluded to with my last post, a trip to the real-life, big city grocery store brings both trials and tribulations, including the almost comically depressive existential decline of this very blog’s content. I remember when this blog used to be grassroots, man. Cell phone photos and hairbrushes all over the place. Now I’m just surrounded by women, empty space, and a thousand and one iterations of Pop Tarts that no man truly needs. The selection at Target has me yearning for the days of limited-edition Doritos that weren’t throwbacks to throwbacks debuting in 2007 but really in 1963?

The sheer overload has me grabbing shit off the shelves just so I can get home and watch Community. Last week, one of those shits happened to be these spring rolls. Congratulations, Davio’s, and may God have mercy on your fillet of sole.
These are Davio’s Macaroni and Cheese Rolls, and the only unhappiness they tangentially bring to my mother comes from the fact that I purchased them in the first place, thus further shaming the family and increasing my risk of heart disease. As for the drooling, I regret to inform you that said reaction cannot be attributed to the golden-brown crust of the rolls, but the sudden stroke you’ll incur after downing one or two of these. 180 calories per roll and not a lick of flavor to show for it. For all their plump-noodled glory, they are extremely bland and far too creamy and the noodles fade into an oblivion of flour and oil.

Also, Davio’s assumes its core demographic still lives with their parents. Is there anyone they don’t abjectly hate?

Let’s get one thing off our chests: the sauce I made to accompany this, per Davio’s tutelage, bears a disproportionate resemblance to human waste. It only adds insult to injury that I attempted to arrange the rolls as though I was presenting them to a party of six drunk twenty-somethings after a showing of “Love Actually” and a rabid desire for closure and saturated fat. However, it did help detract from the sheer richness of these rolls, like mozzarella sticks wrapped in spring rolls and carefully aggregated marketing data targeting my generation’s inability to let go of their childhoods. I’m surprised it didn’t come with a $2 off coupon of the Blu-Ray re-release of The Princess Bride.
Again, that doesn’t justify these existing as miniaturized fried human salt licks. Not in the slightest, unless you are starving or trapped in a fast-casual restaurant in a blizzard and it’s between these or your coworker, Chad.