Twix PB

I first saw these on a commercial in maybe, 2000, 2001, where a guy took peanut butter and put it in a CD player and instead of screwing up the internal circuitry, the boom box played awesome, legume inspired tunage. I figured they were a limited edition snack and were then gone forever, but lo and behold, I found them in a local convenience store and had to try them.

These are the reincarnation of a far better snack, folks. Yes, I’m referring to the Reese’s Crunchy Cookie Cup. Probably one of the best Reese’s snacks, it was discontinued in 2000, never to be seen again. But in a more compact form, this is it. It’s got the salty and oddly textured peanut butter that we all love, milk chocolate, and a crunchy cookie base. The cookie itself is an almost bitter chocolate that I like, reminiscent of Nabisco Famous Wafers. It cuts the saccharine sweetness of the chocolate. With normal Twix, I find that the cookie gets soggy with the caramel and doesn’t crisp as much as I’d like it to.

With this bar, you get a lot more peanut butter than I would have expected, which is good. There’s a certain portability that makes this better than the CCC. If Twix keeps this around, I’ll be buying it again. It’s really delicious and excellent for nut and cookie lovers.

Oh, and I’m back to using my own photos again!

9/10- NUTTY

Reese’s Crispy Crunchy Bar


I keep relenting to the allure of the vending machines at school when I need a quick fix, as my school’s rather inconvenient dining hall policy is limited to just that- the dining hall, and sometimes there’s just not enough time. The hassle of being at a massive university, but I suffer through with as much grace as I can, ha ha.

So, this bar. It was $1.25 and I expected it to be worth that much, because when you’re paying $1.25 for 1.2 ounces, you’re paying $10 a pound. Wanna know what else you can buy for $10 a pound? Really good tilapia. Or snow crab legs. Or good coffee. So if this disappointed, I vowed to cry.

Well, let’s cut to the chase. It disappointed. It’s not that it was bad, it was just misadvertised. I suppose that if this had been called the “Reese’s Mushy Soft Bar,” it would have dissuaded customers, but been honest. There were crunchy moments, like with the peanuts, but when I expected parts to be brittle and crispy, like the peanut butter crisp, they just fell flat under the immense softness of the chocolate and peanut butter layer. I’m sure the elements work wonderfully separately, but together, were just, in the words of the college kids around me, a hot mess.

So yeah. Not a good bar, hefty as it was. I’d have rather had a more peanut butter crisp centric bar, with less chocolate, and maybe a little less peanut butter. But you’ll never hear me say that again!

2/10- LAME

Paddywackle’s Gourmet Brittle Co.

I’ve had some pretty bad experiences with peanut brittle, all of them involving some sort of impaling or horrible rendering of my face. I’ve been stabbed quite a few times by an errant shard of brittle. It’s the Captain Crunch of the candy world. But I’m an intrepid girl, and I like to try new things, so I gave this peanut brittle a whirl, and it changed my mind completely.

The first brittle that I tried was a chocolate almond brittle. It had an amazing crunch, starting off soft and then crumbling, very crispy and light texture. The chocolate tasted like a lovely wafer cookie, and the almonds added a lot to the texture. It was really delicious and the chewing kept it all very moist, so as not to make it try and tacky in one’s mouth.

8/10- YUMMY

The second brittle was a little stickier and was absolutely permeated with peanut butter, and many chunks of peanuts! It stuck to my teeth but had a wonderful buttery undertone and a fresh, roasted peanut taste. What I really liked about these was the texture, they were just pristine and perfectly chewy without completely shattering in my mouth or dissolving into nothing. It was a substantial and delicious snack.

8/10- LOVELY

To buy their brittle, just go to www.paddywhackles.etsy.com.

Candy Corn Dots


I know these have been oft reviewed since their debut a few weeks ago in Target stores, but I saw them and was pretty excited to try eating them.

They’re dot shaped and sized, like normal dots, but are candy corn colored. The odd thing is that they don’t have the little dot on the top, the white tip part. But they are a pumpkin orange color and yellow on the bottoms.

The dots taste a lot like candy corn, but with a little more artificial taste, like fake butter. They’re chewy and have a good bite to them, not like gum drops but a little firmer. I like them a lot. I’m just not sure if I’d eat more than a few in one sitting. They’re not that kind of snack.

Overall, they’re a really fun Halloween treat. There’s a scarecrow on the box and it’s a nice touch than some of the holiday repackaging that other candies and snacks do.

6/10 NICE

Candies, Seasonal and Strange

I have a few candies that I picked up at the convenience store that looked somewhat different from your average candy fare.

The first is a sour gecko gummy, made by E. Frutti. He’s a cute little guy, made from rainbow blended pastel gummy with a sour sugar candy coating. For 25 cents, he was mine.

As far as taste goes, it’s…interesting. My first thought was fruit punch, but the overlying taste is a mixture of lemonade and dish detergent. Not the best flavor. The different colors aren’t different flavors, but that might be better because they’re all mixed up, anyhow. It’s a nice chew, with a good give, but evokes more texture-wise of those foamy gummies than a translucent gummy-bear type of candy. It’s a nice snack, but I won’t be rushing out to get him again, cute as he was.

4/10- ALL RIGHT

The next snack was really adorable and tasty to boot! It’s an interesting concept, an x-fish. The gummy is in two parts, one outer fish-skin, scaly piece that’s really detailed and translucent, and an inner skeleton with tail and head, like the type you’d see cartoon cats munching on. The skin piece is an interesting flavor. It’s really detailed and pretty to look at, but it tastes like incense might taste, a heady, tea-like flavor. The skeleton comes in a number of colors. I got green, which was an apple-like flavor. The white skeleton part was creamy, but still gummy as opposed to foam. Overall, it’s not a very substantial treat and had that strange tea-taste, but I love the concept and would definitely buy these as favors or as a small treat.

6/10- NICE

My last treat was for Halloween, a Reese’s Peanut Butter Pumpkin. I like these because of the peanut butter to chocolate ratio. I don’t think there’s a single person out there who buys PB cups for the chocolate quality. It’s the combination, and that damned peanut butter texture, that grainy, graham-y, delicious, peanut butter. So this was a nice treat for me.

I’m not sure if they’re getting smaller or if my appetite is getting bigger, but the little pumpkin was the perfect size for me. They’re fun and rich and tasty.

8/10- GOOOOOOD!

Whoppers


Every time I see Whoppers, I feel like I’ve been craving them for years and that it’s the perfect thing to sate my hunger and chocolate craving. Not Whopper, the burger, mind you, but Whoppers, as in, the malted milk balls.

Essentially, these are the poor man’s Aero bars. They’re fluffy, crunchy, and sometimes have a propensity for cutting your mouth open. Mmmm! Delicious! The malted flavor is not very strong at all. I tend to like a strong flavor, as I’m used to delicious homemade chocolate malted shakes with a heaping tablespoon of malt powder, but what do I know? The chocolate is pretty crappy. It’s mockolate, with artificial flavors. It’s waxy and doesn’t melt well in your mouth and essentially provides a mere buffer for the crunchy malt.

They’re not that great. Save yourself the next time you crave these and go get something better. I liked it when Hershey’s had these in their Twosome collection, with more chocolate, real chocolate, and tinier malt bites, like little B.Bs from the guns. But alas, like all good product, that was to be discontinued. Another day, Hershey…another day.

3/10- LAME

Sky Bar


This bar is one of those “old-timey” candies, like Necco wafers, candy buttons, Squirrel Nut Zippers, etc. Actually, anything made by Necco is brittle and antiquated. So this is one of those classics that everyone sees but never has any desire to try, passing it up for a Snickers or other 21st century candy bar.

This rickety old fucker gives good reason for people to never wish to approach it. It has four components, each much bigger than I expected. Each component has a different flavor in it- chocolate fudge, marshmallow, caramel, and peanut butter.

Upon opening the cantankerous old man of a candy bar, I have an encounter with the worst white bloom I’ve ever seen. Is this a white chocolate candy bar or- OH GOD. Seriously. It’s got a shiny, waxy sheen that can only mean one thing- mockolate. But it’s not. It’s just authentic, awful milk chocolate, which almost disappoints me more.

So I bit into each component. The chocolate was brittle and flaked off. The first flavor was caramel, but I thought it was peanut butter because of the graininess and absolute aversion to smooth texture that the bite had. But no, it was just a sugary lump, so it must have been caramel.

The next bite held marshmallow, or if marshmallow had hung out in an old folk’s home for sixty or so years and had slowly decomposed into a sugary white goo that got all over my frigging French notes. It put me into a coma, like my geriatric candy bar, and I almost didn’t get to try the next piece.

That piece was the peanut butter. Oh yeah. I didn’t get a photo, but there was a small layer of oil from the peanut butter that made this inedible. I did not eat most of the piece as it was smelly, bitter, and oozing liquid. Again…like some old people. Shame on you, Necco.

The last piece was fudge…and I’m not even going to make a stool joke here. It was soft. It was mushy. It tasted like caranuba wax and broken dreams of dime stores.

2/10- AWFUL

BlissCandies Caramels

I got a selection of homemade caramels today from BlissCandies. One thing that I adore about her items is the way they’re packaged. She puts things in these little baggies that are sealed, they look factory done, but are better because they’re homemade, and then into a perfect little box. It just looks extremely professional, and I love it.

The first caramel I was sent was a traditional vanilla caramel, and even as I was opening the wax paper wrapper, I could smell a strong vanilla scent coming from the package.

The traditional vanilla caramel starts out plain, with just a buttery and sugary taste, but finishes off with a fantastic vanilla-y-, vanilla bean aroma and taste that literally dominates your senses. This is not the caramel you find in Grandma’s candy bowl. It’s soft, chewy, and creamy, with just a bit of roughness in the texture.

6/10- TASTY
This next caramel has a funny little story to it. The spicy ginger caramels, it was funny. When I got the request from BlissCandies to try her caramels, I immediately thought, wouldn’t a ginger caramel be nice, and didn’t tell her.

Proof, of course, that the reviewer and chef can read minds. 😉

Ooooh. This really was a spicy caramel. But the spiciness didn’t linger and burn my throat. The ginger flavor was a little more mild than I would have liked, but was still very tasty, like a ginger snap cookie. I liked the kick of spice and think that this flavor works well with the candy.

6/10- YUMMY
The next flavor was vanilla hazelnut. I had high hopes for this candy, as it smelled very nutty and boasted a nice brown color. The flavor was more vanilla than hazelnut, but there was still a very buttery flavor to it, and it tasted like a nice coffee.

7/10- DELICIOUS
This flavor was very fascinating, as I’d never seen a caramel like it before. I was sent an orange creamsicle caramel. The color is a bright orange, one that I can only attribute to the orange flavor, and the flavor was sublime. It was caramely, malty, creamy, and orangy all at once, and was overall, a real winner in the flavor department. The texture was a lot smoother than the other caramels, and like ginger, the orange works well with the caramel and creates a pair where neither flavor dominates.

8/10- LOVELY
The last caramel was a sea salt caramel, a flavor I’d really been dying to try. For some reason, it was much harder than the other caramels, or maybe my jaw was just tired from eating the rest! The sea salt hit my tongue as soon as I ate it, and it was really salty, but dissolved into the traditional and delicious caramel that I know and love. A winner.

7/10- MMMMM

BlissCandies
www.blisscandies.etsy.com

Necco Twilight Candy Hearts


I bought these on a whim with some of the best people in the world. How could we pass these up?

Necco made these for the Twilight craze. It was probably the best purchase I’ve ever made. These were fucking hilarious. I mean, first, you have flavor names like Passion Fruit, Tempting Apple, Orange Obsession and Secret Strawberry. Then there’s the “from and to” header on the box so your own Edward Cullen can GIVE YOO HIS CANDEE HRTS OMGWTFBBW XOXOXOXOX”

I’m totally aware that says big, black woman and not barbecue.

There are the hearts. They come in a hard-to-open, vampire-piercing proof plastic bag, roughly 3/4 full. They’re just like conversation hearts, except they say enigmatic and occasionally worrisome phrases like “Bite Me,” “Live forever,” and “Forks.”

The flavors are pretty odious, but addictive. It’s like eating stale bubblegum. All the flavors tasted the same, varying in acidity and color, and the texture wasn’t like conversation hearts at all. Where the hearts are chalky and hard, these were chalky and chewy. Either they were left outside all night in a vampiric rainstorm, or the vampire glitter powder emulsifies them. Regardless of the cause, these are awful.

And yet, like the fangirl to Edward Cullen’s tired penis, I just can’t stop eating them.

Necco Twilight Candy Hearts: My brand of crappy, sparkly heroin.

1/10- HORRID

Cranberry Raisinets

These confuse the hell out of me, first off. For one, cranberries are supposed to be the color of my damaged and pained skin right now- bright red. But the cranberries in the package were a dull brown.

For another, the name. Cranberry Raisinets. Now, I realize Raisinets is the brand name, but I still think people would have gotten the message if they were called “Craisinets” and the Craisin company may have been able to cash in on some product placement there. Calling them Cranberry Raisinets sort of makes me think, as the consumer, that they’re raisins flavored like cranberries, sort of an undesireable Grapple mutant, and that’s just…confusing.

These were a dollar five, and for their price, it worked out to roughly ten cents apiece, and those are some pretty tiny pieces, like breath mint sized. The pack was one hundred calories. The cranberries were average sized, and tasted average, too. I went to a cranberry festival once and ate the cranberries right out of the bog. Those were fresh, juicy, and tart. Even a lot of dried cranberries are tart, but these were not. They were mildly sweet, not very memorable.

The mockolate coating on Raisinets has always gone well, in my opinion. It was the same stuff this time around, just a milder fruit.

Send some sympathy my way. Lost my job.

4/10- LAME