Dear Foodette Reviews,
I have a little story for you.
I’ve cheated on my boyfriend with another man, and now I want to make things right. I tried to buy him a new Porsche, and he didn’t want anything to do with it. I tried to buy him diamond studded cuff links, and he threw them down the garbage disposal. When I bought him a limited edition, Metallica endorsed Snuggie, he gave it to the homeless man living down the street.That’s when I realized that I needed to put the Spark back in our relationship. Not the spark. I didn’t want to have sex with his shapeless, lumpy, beer belly and crappy, unshaved chin(s). I mean, he’s unemployed, stalks around the house watching Lifetime, and spends his days perfecting the curve in our couch when he should be perfecting the curves of his manly six-pack. I’m talking about the Spark- the newest flavor of Vitamin Water. It has grape and blueberry and other natural flavors, and it cost me $1.89. As soon as I gave it to him, and our fingers met against the sweaty contours of the bottle, I knew he’d forgive me.
The flavor is floral, with just a bit of sweetness, just like the aromatic spray I sprayed over the living room, bathroom, and laundry room after my dirty, nasty tryst to cover up the scent of cologne, vodka, and strawberry lubricant. The grapes are predominant, but the blueberries are just as important and taste pretty accurate to most blueberry beverages I’ve had. And believe me, I’ve been around the blueberry beverage block. It’s slightly artificial, like my breasts and my boyfriend’s mother’s affection, but I know that at the end of the day, those vitamins will keep me going strong- with whomever I’m having sex with. So, readers, from me to you, bring the Spark back in your relationship, and drink this drink with someone you love tonight.Love,
Sparked in Seattle