Betty Crocker Warm Delights Minis: Molten Caramel Cake

Warm Delights. It just doesn’t sound right. Like meeting Danny DeVito in a Turkish bath. Or buying a Fleshlight in the same Paypal cart as your grandmother’s birthday present. These warm delights, however, aren’t the product of years in your parents’ basement, though, but are the newest in a line of Betty Crocker microwaveable desserts. I chose them because they’re easy to make with only a little leftover bong water and a microwave, and churn out delicious and fast tiny cakes.The product, the miniature version, is only 150 calories. Not bad for what bills itself as a molten chocolate cake. You probably wouldn’t eat much more if you bit the head off a frog, and it must be tastier, too. Right? The Warm Delights Molten Caramel Cake comes with a packet of what must be cake mix, a packet of caramel to drizzle on, and a bowl. Oddly enough, there are no utensils. Betty Crocker wants you to put this on some fine ass china and make a show of it before your husband comes home and demands a martini.The instructions are easy. Then again, so are the instructions with the Fleshlight. Are there instructions? Regardless, you stir the cake mix with a very precise amount of water that I ignored, choosing to mix when it just got evenly wet, and then drizzle the caramel on. It’s fun to make your own designs with the sauce, too, knowing that it’ll come out after it’s microwaved. We chose to draw a penis and popped it in the microwave.The cake is really freaking fast. 30 seconds, and it’s done. It didn’t really puff up, but, holy crap, it’s actual cake. I don’t know what I was expecting. Maybe the Culkin boys in bathrobes, ew, ew, ew, but there it was, cake in the microwave. I know that mug cake exists, but somehow, I felt lazy and prideful with this simultaneously. That being said, though, for all the hype, it ain’t perfect cake. It’s moist, but it cooked unevenly in some parts and left a strangely textured surface, like the outside cookies of an ice cream sandwich. Moist, but mushy.The taste is all right. It’s definitely chocolate, but the caramel was lost. It somehow seeped down into the cake during the cooking process, and made little pockets in some spoonfuls. What I did taste of caramel was like licking bronzing lotion off of Lindsay “Firecrotch” Lohan’s back after a late night of dancing to Samantha “Celebrity DJ” Ronson’s sick beats. It was buttery, a little greasy, and tasted fake, fake, fake. The portion was good, though, especially for 15 calories and definitely satisfied my craving for instant cake more than a Ho Ho or John McCrea could have, and I’m excited to try the other flavors and see how they compare. A red velvet cake would be swell!

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