I realize that I’m a few days late on spicy week, but rest assured, this is a good one. Hot sauces, people. A good hot sauce is like a good woman. Or so I’d think. I spent hours this weekend analyzing films, literature, and real live human beings to discover this ethereal connection and report back to you.I was recently sent a selection of sauces called Cheater 5, in three different varieties. The first sauce I tried was their taco sauce, a bright red concoction with pieces of pepper bobbing around in the salsa. This salsa was sweet, and not as spicy as I’d have liked, but knew how to talk. It had a sweet fade and a delicious aroma that I wanted, ever so much, to dab on my wrists and imbibe. If this salsa was a woman, she would be the kind who takes impromptu road trips and knows how to cook a fantastic breakfast. The flavor lingers with a paprika edge and a tomatoey base, with a fantastic, natural peppery flavor on your tongue. Like the afterglow of talking on the phone with someone amazing for a really sweet 48 minutes, the flavor stays and continues to intrigue.
With this sauce, I’d definitely want a little more heat, but putting it with a taco meat base or just on top of a taco would bring it to a new level of gastronomical delight with its flavor. It would add a needed moisture to a dish with ground beef and the flavors would work well without dominating the rest of the dish. I’m not entirely sure as to how it would stand on its own as a salsa, unless you’re more into a friendly approach with your chips. The next sauce, a green salsa verde, is the classiest of the sauces. It’s a brilliant green color that makes heads turn and dishes pop. It has a nice, clean burn to it with a fresh, pepper scent and was definitely the most social of all the sauces. It played well with others the most, mingling best with the chicken I marinated it in and also the chicken I dipped it in, and seemed like it would go the best as an accompaniment to chips, on a sandwich as a sauce, or as a marinade. This is the vibrant woman who pulls over on the side of the road to make out to Nights In White Satin and considers a cocktail dress casual dinner attire. The sauce made my mouth feel clean and snappy, and definitely accentuates the best of any dish. No less than 93 out of 100 for this one. A real classy and unabashedly awesome salsa.The last sauce by Cheater 5 was the caribbean sauce, a bright yellow color that wouldn’t be out of place in a certain Beatles album. This sauce sat on my face and slapped me with black leather gloves. It was fresh, like the salsa verde, but so overwhelmingly spicy that I had to step back because it was too hot for the internet. The innocuous color drew me in and then stomped on my back with pointy Manolo Blahniks.The most surprising aspect of this sauce is the rate at which the heat sets in. It nearly ambushes you with the slow burn. With other salsas, you can tell pretty quickly off the bat whether or not they’ll be really spicy or not, but this is a special sauce. It masks its inherent evil with papaya and mango and then goes in for a swift defeat, leaving you dazed, confused, and wanting just a little more. The heat makes me want to run a marathon to the sweet serenades of Slade. I found that after my first few bites, though, it was overwhelming and I needed something to dilute it with. I’m definitely going to experiment with this one more, with a marinade or perhaps mixed with another sauce to create something a little less intimidating. In a good way, though.