It’s the last of the Doritos Burn line, and it couldn’t be a more appropriate time now that summer is setting in. By now, you may have all guessed that I sort of hate weather. Well, not all weather. Just the weather that happens to offend me beyond a degree of lazing outside in my boxers or leather jacket. I love taking strolls around town and driving with the windows down. But a few days ago I was eating breakfast outside with Keep It Coming, Love, and in no more than fifteen minutes, I was already getting a little color.
My point is, I’m a delicate flower. I’m in a consistent battle to defend myself and my pure, Swedish skin against the elements, be they cold, lip-chapping wind or blistering, sweaty heat. That doesn’t stop me from rocking and rolling all night and partying every day, though. Today I got a beach permit and ate these Doritos, leftover from the stuff I’d brought home. And with a package like those, I suddenly felt more like a flower made of barbed wire and steel.To be quite honest, they’re probably really good to carry around if one is in the habit of picking up chicks. They have flames all over them. They say “3rd Degree.” Everything about these fucking epitomizes the very definition of machismo. Just put on your bloodied Hell’s Angels vest and go wrestle a leather dragon or something and then fuck a diamond hooker. But as macho as they seem, they’re roughly as tough as Jesus stroking a retarded puppy, or Jon Gosselin’s cock ring. They’re bright red and have a crisp and really accurate habanero pepper flavor, but really, not a lot of heat as 3rd degree implies.The underlying flavor is really just spicy nacho, with more cheesy flavor acting as the base than actual peppers, and with the corn chip flavor, it really didn’t remind me of anything particularly peppery outside of the general nacho jurisdiction. Definitely weak and less complex and innovative as the 1st Degree. As with all Doritos, the crunch is great and it’s always a blast to get one of those mutantly overseasoned chips, but par for the course, there’s a lot less color and flavor on these than I’d have liked.