I took a nice weekend to myself to attend a local WASP festival with Keepitcoming, and to prepare for the Fancy Food Show, which is a mere week away. We’re quite jonesed, I can assure you. Today at work, though, I was feeling a little bold and I put down my needlepoint and bought these pretzels.
I’m no stranger to spicy foods. I absolutely love wings, and have perfected an egg scramble with sour cream and sriracha during breakfast. So it was natural for me to be drawn to these, like a 1970’s socialite to clusters of caviar. The pretzels themselves are not whole pieces, rather, they are crushed up and coated with a flavoring. In this case, the buffalo sauce.Because the pretzels are crushed, they have more of a chance to get coated with the flavor. Thus, the pieces themselves look like the aftermath of a Snooki/Oompa Loompa fanfiction orgy, bright orange and flaking all over the place. And I’ll admit, I was really excited to try them once I saw the seasoning.The first flavor that hit my taste buds was vinegar, and it stayed vinegary for the entire bite. Despite the color and “five-alarm” hype, there was literally no heat in these whatsoever. Honestly, I was taken aback, because the buttery trademark of the wing was present. It had all the elements of a wing, including a poultry aftertaste, but completely missed the mark on the one thing that makes Buffalo wings delicious. Even after eating a bunch of these at once, cramming them into my mouth like a porn star at a gang bang, there was nothing that made me think of the heat that wings deliver.
These were wishful thinking. If I was to give helpful advice to Snyder’s, as a soccer father from the mid-seventies, I’d say something like, “C’mon, slugger, you can lick this,” because I expect more of Snyder’s and wish that they hadn’t dropped the ball on this one.