Lemon Ginger Gnu Bar

The makers of Gnu Bar invite us to smile, because their product promotes “natural regularity.” As I tasted this fibrous granola-esque bar, I was forced to consider whether I ought to, in the words of Gnu Bar’s packaging copy, “Join the Movement.” I chose to take only one small bite, with the aim of not limiting the scope of my whereabouts and activities in the next 24 hours. This small taste was more than enough to establish that there is no reason I would ever voluntarily eat a Gnu Bar again. It tasted like dry, gingery herbal tea, vitamin pills, and cardboard, and had a texture composed of synthesized, round cluster-particles suspended in baked oat slurry.I have written in the past about a bar that unintentionally had the appearance and consistency of the, uhhh, end result of the digestive process, but this is the first product I have reviewed which enthusiastically touts its ability to make you shit. Gnu Bar, you are for old people who can’t taste food yet crave liberal-flavored novelty. Also, force feeding this product to a willing victim is an effective form of hazing. That’s what I call “Food That Works.” In conclusion, suckage.(Author’s note: This was written by Keepitcoming as Foodette is incapacitated from involuntarily consuming this bar.)

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