Durian Cookies

Swagger speaking. On a routine trip to the local Asian grocery to pick up some cooking goods and snacks, I saw these on the shelf next to the cookies I usually get. I’ve heard so much about durian and how bad it smells and how the taste is actually pretty good compared to the smell so I decided to pay the $1.60 for them and give them a taste. Aside from getting totally trashed that one time at this party and hooking up with a 3/10 then waking up in a bed naked the next morning and realized what had occurred, buying and tasting these cookies was the worst mistake I’ve ever made.

I don’t know if any of the people who read this blog have had encounters with durian, but the smell of the durian fruit is definitely as bad as everyone says, maybe even worse. I don’t know how many readers here are combat veterans and have been up close to the smell of death and dead bodies of exploded enemies; but according to my close friend, Sgt. Blastmaster, who is a combat veteran of Operation Iraqi Freedom, the worst thing he has smelled before encountering durian fruit was when some guy decided to blow up rotten fruit stand next to a public bathroom with a suicide bomb in Fallujah. Apparently, even the smell of charred human flesh and exploded rotten fruit and sewage matter cannot even hold a candle to the smell of durian.From the one bite I took from one of these monstrosities before I had to go throw up uncontrollably I was able to gather that the wafer cookie itself tasted like a very thin layer of greasy particle board. The myth that durian tastes better than the smell is an awful lie people made to deceive the gullible, maybe it’s the same people that came up with Feng Shui house decorating. An equally cruel joke would be to go to a buddy’s house and leave these cookies hidden all over the place but it might result in them getting evicted or investigated by the authorities for suspicion of hiding dead bodies.

I cannot stress enough how bad these things smell or taste. They are probably the worst things I’ve ever encountered and I’ve been to underdeveloped countries. If you want to give these cookies or even the real fruit a try, go for it. Just make sure you have a bucket nearby and plenty of mouthwash.

2 thoughts on “Durian Cookies”

  1. I’ve never tried durian-flavored cookies. Or popsicles, or ice cream, or yogurt drinks either for that matter, though all are available in durian flavor.

    But I have tried the real thing. Fresh durian, before being opened, smells something like a natural gas leak percolating through rotting lemon skins. The fruit itself is…an acquired taste, I guess. The taste is like eating slightly spoiled custard in the overflowing head of a garlic freighter.

    So I guess you probably wouldn’t like that, either. 🙂

  2. I’ve heard of this fruit, but didn’t know its name until today. It sounds like one of those things that makes you stop and think, “Who the hell ever decided to eat this in the first place?” From the description, even if it was one of the few foods available to eat in a given area in a given time, I’d think the smell would serve as some sort of (false) indicator that this fruit is rotten and/or poisonous lol. Yikes.

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