Dunkin’ Donuts Sausage Pancake Bites

Dunkin’ Donuts Sausage Pancake Bites seemed to be right up my alley- like a more portable, cleaner method of suicide- versus the McGriddle, that is. Fantasies of creating a meta-sandwich entered my head briefly, knowing that if I did so, I would certainly need a will alongside my plate.

I assume this is some sort of begrudging acceptance of the failure of Dunkin’s short-lived maple waffle sandwich, because these really resemble the competition without reinventing the wheel. But are they better than my old standby?To my surprise, these weren’t so bad. But then again, my standards for “not so bad” include durian cookies, Three’s Company, and the song “Christmastime in East Haven.” They’re about as big as your average free-range pheasant egg or an obese cocktail wiener, and have a cornbreadesque outer shell. I would not put it within the realm of pancake- it is much heartier than that. Expecting a harder, crustier exterior, I was surprised to bite into something vaguely fluffy, but also kind of oily. To give you an idea about how large they are, I’ve compared them to some items at my job.
Sausage Pancake Bites are approximately 5x smaller than this automatic push pump soap dispenser ball.

Sausage Pancake Bites are roughly 300x smaller and 300x less pointless than this modern, turtle-shaped espresso machine, complete with my creepy hand looming in the reflection.

Sausage Pancake Bites are approximately 12x less fatal than these My First Serial Kill knives, if thrown at an opponent’s jugular.

I was a little disappointed at the lack of maple syrup in these. Like Yankee Candle, they smell of vaguely delicious artificiality, but unfortunately do not taste like that. I have learned this the hard way and am now banned from South Deerfield. The pancake shell is a throwaway gimmick, in this case, taking the form of a microwaved greasy cornbread thing, and the sausage inside was tasty, yet somewhat unremarkable.They’re just not filling enough for me to warrant consuming 300 calories when I could easily budget that towards something more sustaining, healthy, and tasty. I won’t be passing these up for my favorites, but I’m glad I tried them out at least once. They were inoffensive and portable, but not quite what I was looking for.

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