Oooh, the new Vitamin Water comes with promises to make me strong like bull- and that shit’s blue to boot.
Unfortunately, I cannot successfully implement this in my fetish-related dog training repertoire, as the ensuing libation is not toilet water blue, but more of a petrichor, stormy steel blue. You read me, Crayola? I swallow words and shit gold.
I decided to drink this during a lull of working through a collection of archives for one of my classes (making sure the cap was fully secured!) to see if it did make me more resilient and strong to onerous tribulations like professorial criticism, poor organizational skills, and rusted paper clips. It did not do so, and when I later tripped down a short flight of stairs, I was surprised to find that I felt actual pain from the fall.Vitamin Water, is this all a lie?
So with feeling sturdy clearly not in this drink’s agenda, I opted to focus on the flavor. Vitamin Water calls Stur-D blue agave, passion fruit, and citrus, but I’d call it a tasteless melange of flavors best allocated to the teenage girl drugstore perfume section than the beverage chambers, because this is absolutely rank. I started drinking it with the assumption that it tasted a little herbal, like tea or a poorly made Arnold Palmer, with some passionfruit thrown in for effort, but it seemed to combine the worst of all possible flavors. The “herbal” agave part was honeyed and sickly sweet. And for the record, agave doesn’t seem like a good ingredient for resistance and strength. I mean, come on- one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor? And the passionfruit had that fake floral, musky lingering taste that a person experiences when they’ve had one too many dates with a girl named Princess. Sigh.Basically, what we had at the end was an overly sweet, weirdly floral, fake tasting “tropical” beverage in a strange color and little to no appeal. I finished half of this and then kept looking at it in my hand. I just had no will or desire to finish this- and you know what that means. This was disappointing. I was really jazzed to try this and told all of my friends, and now I have to rescind my excitement and stop writing “Mrs. Stur-D” on my notebooks in Sharpie marker.