Burger King Cookie Dough Pie

As I’ve mentioned before, Keepitcoming and I have vastly differing ideas of what defines “food.” So when the time comes to jump on the latest fast food products, I often have to lure her into trying them so I don’t look like a schmuck sitting in my car with three chalupas and no one to share them with.

Everyone likes cookie dough. And everyone likes pie. It’s an undisputed fact that will most likely be drafted as an addendum in the Constitution in the near future, at least before the Mayan apocalypse. When I saw that Burger King was testing this, I had to try it. Luckily, Keepitcoming was enthused and rather intrigued by the concept and was willing to check it out with me.The pie was housed in an unnecessarily large protective chamber that probably took Mies van der Rohe and a team of ten six months to design. The actual confection is roughly 3/4 the size of the box. It features an Oreo or Oreo poseur crust, looking as though it leans towards the latter as it was unnaturally brown, a whipped vanilla creme filling studded with pieces of chocolate chip cookie dough with more creme and miniature chocolate chips on top.

Shit is crammed with cookie dough on the pictures. Burger King’s graphic designer, likely traumatized with staring at The King’s lifeless, vacant face, made a cheerful presentation that gave me heightened expectations of gobs of cookie dough and fluffy peaks of cream. In reality, it was quite unappealing. The former hunks of dough were a few scattered pieces about the size of a pencil eraser, sunk to the bottom like fat kids in a pool and offering no grittiness or chips or flavor. I commend Burger King for officially creating a new way to hate cookie dough. This now bumps salmonella to number two.The whipped filling is the worst part of this pie. What was whimsical in the Butterfinger pie is now downright odious and tastes filmy, oily, and seemed to have absorbed the cardboardy flavor of the box it sat in. It sits upon a mushy and flavorless crust. The whole thing delivers a one-dimensional flavor, and that flavor is ass. Thanks to Burger King’s inferior product, I am now forced to eat my Buck Doubles in the car. Bastards.

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