Vitamin Water Zero Rhythm

Haha, zero rhythm. Zing! Again, not funny. We picked up this new Vitamin Water in Tar-Jaaaay today. Seems like Vitamin Water is really out to market flavors that protect you…from yourself. Last month’s flavor release was Stur-D, meant to help you strengthen your bones in the event of an inevitable fall, and now they’ve come out with Rhythm, meant to help you dance like a Guido? What? Sounds like a little conspiracy theory. I’ll get the freaks on it.Vee Dubs Rhythm is billed as a starfruit and citrus blend with magnesium and potassium to give your heart a more regulated beat after you’ve wolfed down your Big Mac and aid you in your perpetual quest to choreograph those moves to The Humpty Dance. It also looks like what you’ll be pissing out after you inevitably attempt that at a real wedding, get laughed at by hot bridesmaids, and soothe your broken soul at the cash bar. Seriously. The first thing we noticed about this was its blatant visual resemblance to urine. Good news for squeamish pee enthusiasts! Bad news for kindergarten teachers.But this pee drink is actually pretty good, despite really, really looking like pee. It’s a dark, cloudy yellow. Honestly, it looks like nothing else. The flavor is mild, but not diluted. The citrus fruits give it a gentle tang similar to fruit punch or lemonade. It’s quenching and has a slightly sweet aftertaste, but nothing off or chemical about it. I can imagine that this could be enhanced even more with another exotic citrus fruit, like yuzu. It also had a more pleasurable mouthfeel than juice or even the sugared Vitamin Waters, with a softer texture and less stickiness in the back of the mouth after.

This is really starting to sound like pee. Fuck.

My main complaint with this, aside from it not being congruent with my particular fetishes, is that it did not make me a better dancer. The typically smarmy Vitamin Water packaging recommended I try the two-step instead of the tango but I still found that to be a stretch. I am a complete fool with the ladies, but at least now I have a delicious drink to ease the pain.

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