Vitamin Water Zero Glow

Vitamin Water’s new release, Glow, got my attention with its vibrant, spot-on circa 1985 Barbie-pink hue. Since I can reference this color from my childhood, I think I must be VW’s target audience. Or is there a deeper message than flirty femininity in play here? The typically smarmy packaging copy pulled me in by acknowledging the open secret that “grocery stores double as singles’ “meet” markets.” The Glow bottle goes on to inform me that if I sport this bottle in the supermarket, I should expect a gender-neutral “cart” to be “cruising [my] way” for a “sample.” The striking teal label/pink drink combo will be sure catch the eyes of potential dates, and I’ll be able to communicate my hanky code faves without wearing those stupid circa ’97 pride rally-style bandanas.Now that we’ve got that covered*, let’s address the flavor of this beverage. Perhaps it’s better not to open the bottle if it helps you score the intended piece of ass: its chalky texture and sweet, simplistic, bubble-gum flavor are strongly reminiscent of Kool-Aid. If you poured a little out and added a few ounces of Dubra, you’d capture the exact flavor of a Chris Hansen bust. Uhhh, not that I did that or anything. My advice for CBT aficionados: for best results, just carry it, and leave the actual drinking of this crap to girls who want to feel like Disney princesses.
Why don’t you have a seat over there?

*JK, male subs — Keepitcoming stays busy enough with Foodette.

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