Outside of food writing, I wouldn’t say that I indulge in the most normal of hobbies. I’m an amateur moped tinkerer, an ex-guitarist, French history buff, and occasional organic chef. I take my wines in quality over quantity and I drink my scotch neat. My ultimate goals for life are to proceed living in a hedonistic, yet annoyingly successful manner similar to Josh Kilmer-Purcell, Cameron from Modern Family, and the butt of all lawyer jokes. As I’m writing this opening paragraph cum witty personal ad, perhaps the one hobby I’ve kept most under wraps over the last few years is my propensity for collecting weird sodas and potato chips. My favorites include freaky international flavors, and wacky racial stereotypes.
That’s right. The photo we didn’t take.
Looks like Hatermelon, son.
Back in February, Rusty at Tampa Bay Food Monster sent a whole box of awesome foods, beverages, alligator jerkies, and a large-ass cigar of unknown provenance. One of the enclosed sodas was this watermelon monstrosity by Cawy, a company based out of Miami producing flavors like Quinabeer, fruity cola, Champ’s cola, and the depressingly named Coco Solo to go with your chili for one. The watermelon soda smells like a potent combination of watermelon-flavored Jolly Ranchers and Calgon bubble bath. Not so oddly enough, it tastes like that, too. It’s predominantly soapy in flavor, with a weird, bitter creaminess. The aftertaste lingers on the tongue like soap, though thankfully without leaving a slick sheen on the inside of the mouth. That doesn’t save it from tasting like absolute ass, though. You’d think 200 calories and 50 grams of sugar would be able to help it along, but no dice. The sweetness was muted in the mixture of chemical flavors and colors. This soda is gross and creepy.
You’ll be pleased to know, though, that in addition to making a fine piece of wall art in your home, the soda can offers a plethora of educational activities along its circumference, much like a cereal box or tattooed penis. For instance, one side of the can will teach you the French translation for “watermelon ass soda,” and the top of the can offers an edifying opportunity to have a real life e-web internet World Wide pen pal by simply emailing firstname.lastname@example.org! Perfect for little sheltered kids and lonely housewives. There’s even a coloring section provided you choose the non-racial androgynous boy label. Fun for the whole family. I’m done, I can’t do this any more. This soda has literally stabbed me in the throat and watched me bleed. Literally.