October never made me this neurotic. Maybe I freaked out a little when my middle school boyfriend asked if he could French me while I was wearing my borderline sexy borderline “witch” costume, but not like this. Since I started this website, I have been determined not to screw up Halloween. Two years ago, I pretended it didn’t exist and started reviewing marshmallows. Last year, I broadened my spectrum to “fall festivities” and prayed that nobody thought my Booberry escapades on the second day of October came too soon.
But my savior in shrinkwrap has arrived, and I’m not even talking about my deluxe copy of Catwoman on DVD this time. Although seriously, Halle Berry, please return my phone calls. I could write this review on observations alone and never even have to unwrap this sanctimonious sugary sacrifice. From the company that brought you Welch’s filled licorice and Mallo-licious comes Body Parts Sushi Gummy Candy. Three things that God put together for our pleasure.
And Frankford Candy skimps on exactly none of these bullet points. Body parts? Check. The roster includes two lifelike eyeballs sourced from two different bodies, two severed, bloody ears, a bloodless nose, and two fingers with bones exposed. Gummy? Check. They’re pliable and squishy with a dare I say, fleshy chew and a turgid bite. You really have to chomp down on them to fully macerate them. At least that’s what I’ve heard from some Korowaian tribes.
And the sushi. Oh, the sushi! The sushi wonders are unparalleled to all other Halloween sushi-themed candies. All none of them. It’s the sushi angle alone that reassures me, after a quick scan of Frankford’s finest selection, that I have chosen the best candy and don’t have to kick myself from buying Dig ‘n’ Dip Marvel Heroes, one step away from being one of Jerry Falwell’s next targets. For Christ’s sake, there are removable chopsticks. If only they were shaped like femurs. From the amorphous rice globs to the textured pieces of seaweed paper, I’m hard pressed to find anything visually wrong with these. So far.
I’ll cut to the chase- these taste like ass. The generic fermented fruit mash and coconut flavor is strong with this one and the coconut oil slathered all over them tastes like you’re licking a supermodel minus the eroticism of actually licking a supermodel. Regardless, OH MY GOD, IT’S MORBID GUMMY SUSHI. And thus it is beautiful. Haters shalt not hate.