Larry the Cable Guy’s Spicy Corn Muffin

Euphe-what? I went there. To whomever neglected to inform me of the wonders and joys of Big Lots. You are a saint. I now have yet another funnel of cake and destruction to fuel my hard-earned paychecks into. This store is a mecca of weird-assed junk of the weirdest and assiest variety. I spent $12.50 on beautiful things and a lifetime supply of Propel in the ever-popular Lemon Pledge variety. Today’s selection, however, is not for the faint of heart. It is an item that exists on no websites, with proceeds that go toward prolonging a dubious catchphrase, and is advertised by a celebrity virtually nobody enjoys.

Amidst a gentle background of Conway Twitty, ladies and gentlemen, this is Larry the Cable Guy’s Spicy Cornbread mix. Hey, it was between this and a child-sized guitar emblazoned with a hip-gyrating Elvis, filled with festering cheese popcorn. No brainer, right?

You’ll notice that I neglected to sample the vast majority of the entire Cable Guy family recipe roster, including the Triple Cheese Cheeseburger Skillet Kit and Lasagna Casserole. This is because I do not fetishize e. coli and stomach pumping. Those of you who do have come to the right place. The first thing worth noting about this is its complete lack of presence on the Almights Lord our Internet. The only trace of this I found, aside from the downright creepy Git ‘R Done Association, whose charitable payouts undoubtedly include Big Mouth Billy Bass dolls for all, was the apparently brilliant pyramid scheme of selling these on eCrater for a mere $9.99 apiece. And to think I almost balked at parting with a dollar for the humiliation of having Larry’s face grace my kitchen. Eh, I’ve done worse.
Perhaps the most upsetting thing about this package are Larry’s witticisms and advice, scarily intended for an audience to which he is superior. Larry warns me on the back to “taste ’em before you add more hot sauce” and enthusiastically points out that I’ve “gotta try this.” What the fuck, Larry? No offense, I’m sure you’re a great guy, but I don’t come to you for advice on FDA safety regulations and Frank Bruni-esque recommendations. But I bought this cornbread because I was delirious with glee and also, hungry. For a dollar, it’s not terrible. Emphasis on the “not” and the “terrible” part. By that, I mean that it is edible, but only to a certain degree. My friend Larry might compare this to roadkill or one of his second cousins, but it’s no better than soul food and no worse than cornbread made from huitlacoche. I’m done. I’m sitting alone in my kitchen eating cornbread branded by a man with all the finesse of a drunk Guy Fieri.

Do not patronize me, Lawrence.

For all its poor advertising, though, the cornbread is a decent value. What it lacks in visual appeal it surely makes up for in taste, with a surprisingly spicy, non-medicinal burn and a tender crumble with a moist center. Too bad it’s colored in Home Depot’s bestselling “decoy orange” shade. I served it with a roasted jalapeno compound butte- ahahaha, I did no such thing. I ate it out of the pan. In the great, wide world of TV tropes, it’s the quickbread with a heart of gold. If you chance upon these, folks, I might say to give them a try. For a dollar they’re no worse than Hamburger Helper, but for the love of God, if you must gamble with your life and try the Cheeseburger Dinner, git ‘er done- git ‘er well done and don’t send me your hospital bills.

24 thoughts on “Larry the Cable Guy’s Spicy Corn Muffin”

  1. How is selling these for $10 online a pyramid scheme? That makes no sense.

    Also, did you forget he was a Health Inspector? Hardy-har-har-har.

  2. i too, bit the bullet so to speak and purchased Larry the Cable guy spicy instant mashed potatoes and his instant loaded mashed potatoes from Big Lots…$1.00 apiece just as you mentioned…they were both so disgusting! lol i still have a package..purchased at the same time of his hot wing batter….debating on weather or not to just throw it out as to not waste the chicken lol..Larry should stick to comedy he is NOT gettin R Done in the the food business! lol

  3. We got the spicy chicken breading and for a buck It wasn’t too bad. But the spice was definitely there. I was not expecting that.

  4. I got the reg. Chicken Batter. Used it 1st time to bread elk. For a cheap batter it was rather good. I did add own spice pepper to it but, the meat was very tasty & tender. I then used it like a tempora for shrimp and calimora. Very good flashed fried.Now in the oven is actual chicken battered in it. Hey, for a buck it seems to do what I need for ALOT of meals still to come. Good bargain in my book.

  5. i had the spicy chicken batter and it was the best fried chinken i have ever had the corn bread was ok but im not big on corn bread.

  6. I loved the spicy fried chicken batter! Bought it at Big Lots and went back to buy more and it was sold out. Anyone know where else I could get some more??

  7. june 25 2012

    were can you by this batter,I’m in california oakland,write me back and also it has to much salt,but overall it’s good

  8. The bacon flavor is pretty strong in the mac & cheese, so it helps to add another ingredient or two so it’s spread around some. I’ve added Bush’s Grillin’ Beans (also purchased from Big Lots) and Tyson pre-cooked steak strips. Of the two, the steak worked out best. I’d have it again.

  9. It’s very funny all these ‘experts’ getting upset over a $1 product. Get over yourselves. No one made you buy the product so you obviously had an interest. Now to talk about it? smh.

  10. Well folks if you want spicy this is what you want to get! The flavor is great, and the KICK is even greater!! Thanks Larry we love you!!!!!!!!!!!!

  11. I like it, I love, I can’t get enough of it…

    pretty good for the money. I added some cream corn to the corn muffins..

    I’d buy it again!

  12. Tried Shells and white cheddar with bacon…left the bacon out..didn’t look edible. Still awful. I’m most upset about the loss of margarine and milk.

  13. i found that all of the larry the cable guy products to be of a high quality,and very tasty fact we used the cheeseburger dinner as a main course at my cousin’ zeke’s hitching(wedding for you yanks).the only draw back to these wonderful products is it gives you the winds something bad.

  14. I tried the chili seasonings and found it was actually pretty good. Not too salty, pretty spicy, and way better than a cheep chili powder I bought.

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