Do you hate people? Children? Do you have a crippling fear of your doorbell ringing unless it’s USPS with five free jars of peanut butter and boxers? Do you miss escaping town and never coming back? Do you have nostalgia for the brands and delicious high-snob of Fairfield County, Connecticut? Are you me? If so, get this tea!Bigelow Tea has combined forces with the Girl Scouts to create cookie-flavored tea. Yes, they took the easy route and combined flavors that already exist in tea, eschewing a chance at historical tea design with Tagalongs and going for ‘coconut and chocolate’ and ‘mint and chocolate,’ as if we don’t know the cookies those demarcate. I’ll review them anyway, because I, too, am powerless to the Girl Scout sales pitch, even if it is at 11PM on a Wednesday at an abandoned grocery store.
This tea is cookie-flavored, says my ketones. Really, it is. Despite the lack of sugar, flour, butter, texture, maternal love, and structure, cookie-flavored teas have always done well in my book, replicating some of the core flavors involved. This one is no different- while it lacks the chew and charismatic pull of caramel of the real deal, it offers a Faustian trade of calories and guilt for a more svelte, coconut-heavy drink with hints of cocoa. And that really isn’t all too bad, considering the box of Samoas I didn’t eat last week after the Girl Scouts broke my door in half and gave me a swirlie. This is a different neighborhood.Note 1: What is a ‘Thanks A Lot’? It’s been a while since I’ve been in the cookie game (as a buyer, of course, those berets look like ass with my steel-blue eyes) so I’m overwhelmed by all of the options. However, given that this is a box of cookies and its title lacks punctuation or emphasis, I’m forced to assume it is passive-aggressive and for sales tactics only. Like if someone only buys one box. Or if you complain when the G-Scouts break down your door.
Note 2: Thanks-a-lot cookies, contrary to prior belief and lore, taste like business ethics.