Eleni’s Cookies Sweet Seduction (Fifty Shades of Foodette)

Did I expect to be chewing off the bra of a stranger the day before Valentine’s Day? No, but the weekend is young and the Bedfellow’s donning of the red fedora has me roving the streets. Little did I know that she condoned this type of illicit activity. We have a DADT policy in our arrangement…don’t ask, don’t tell the trainer. So when this arrived in a box from Eleni’s Cookies, I knew I could trust this to stay secret and copacetic.wpid-2015-02-13-10.08.11-1.jpg.jpegIt was like a cookie-cutter version of everything I’ve been wanting for the last few days. With my fridge on the fritz, I’ve been pained, downright begging for some sugar in my body, so with these at my door, it was lather, rinse, ask for consent, and repeat, baby. After all, lacy underwear is part of a balanced breakfast. The goods arrived in a box prettier than Hermès. They needed some trimming, but otherwise arrived unmolested. Processed with VSCOcam with b1 presetAn assortment of panties, what appeared to be full-back, bras, bustiers, and the Seattle space needle didn’t exactly scream sexy to me unless you count the full-reaching euphemism of the venerable John Graham’s ballooning mid-century architecture. It allllllllllmost looks like a penis, is what I’m saying. Not quite a Rihanna song, not yet a Mapplethorpe, but enough to get the point across to fangirls and discerning critics worldwide. A large pair of lips completed the ensemble, and with that, breakfast began.Processed with VSCOcam with b1 presetIt was a voracious mess of crumbs, mussed hair, crushed lips, though that was mainly due to my clumsiness in opening the package, and rampant calories, all before noon. Make no mistake- these were royal icing cookies. They had clearly been topped before, but not like this. I knew I was dealing with a serious professional. Eleni’s has provided, and their goods come with a substantial package and well-groomed.
wpid-wp-1423840436849.jpegThese are next-level cookies- submit to your caloric desires, and have a happy, safe, sexy, consensual V-Day! And for the love of god, if you see Fifty Shades, don’t try that shit at home without educational literature. Girl, I know you don’t have a helicopter.

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