Epic Beef Cherry + Habanero Bar

Superbowl Sunday holds a great deal of significance to me- a day savage and full of masculinity, a day to reread A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, pump iron, and take a cool lavender bath. To change the channel from NBC to the Animal Planet and watch the Puppy Bowl over homemade Pad Kee Mao and Riesling. But above all, to eat copious amounts of meat. Let all humans take the day to observe a protein-based diet, rife with trend-influenced flavors like buffalo, chipotle, and ass-reaming hot. I’ve got a meat bar in my pocket, and no, I’m not just happy to see you.DSC_1800Epic’s 100% Grass-Fed Beef Used Beef Habanero + Cherry Bar 13 G, of Protein Gluten Free, also known as the E100 GF BUB H+C B13G PGF equation, also known as ‘the spicy meat bar,’ is not so much jerky so much as it is compressed beef, as the expert at the Vitamin Shoppe told me. I had high expectations for this bar as the ingredients were so sparse- beef, dried cherries, habanero as the highest, so for all intents and purposes it ought to have a flavor no different than the meat I tend to make at home.DSC_1830I was pleased to see this going beyond classic marinade flavors, teriyaki, barbecue, or god forbid, slapping bacon onto it (though they’re not entirely immune to its porcine charms), and the flavors were clean and forward, unmuddled by any extra additives. However, texturally, this was a wreck. They’re literally protein bars, cooked, and retain more of the fat and water than a dehydrated jerky would. However, to mitigate this, Epic uses very, very lean meats that crumble giving the bar the overall effect of an old meatloaf. In fact, it has a texture distinctly akin to its rather non-epic counterpart, Slim Jims. Not epic. In fact, a propos to the latest news, deflated flavor and expectations.rating3

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