Hello? Is anyone there? I’m sorry that I can’t tweet and post and drum the requirements for scienter in my head all at once. Really. That isn’t some pithy e-card apology, it’s the truth, I miss you guys and I miss my weird eating habits. So, if anyone is there, understand that I almost couldn’t resist posting this before Thanksgiving because it’s so damned weird, so damned pretentious, and so damned delicious that it was a very difficult endeavor. Actually, I was up to my ears in analyzing corporate personhood, so, there’s that. Sorry. A million sorries. Enough sorries that your brain bleeds and starts to see the word sorry in a weird way and doesn’t associate it for what it is anymore. Neurology, amirite?In other words, I’ve started a new venture with The Bedfellow in an attempt to remain relevant on the internet. Notched + Tied features 100% more photos of my face, so if you’ve ever needed new stalking material, here’s your game. The Bedfellow and I post every Friday and it’s a pretty awesome website. I wear pretty bow ties and discover some uncomfortable truths about hats. The truth is that I’ve had to really reevaluate my trajectory with this website. I’ve started seeing a personal trainer and suddenly, with a budget of 1,500 calories a day, most of which are protein, it’s hard to justify eating gummy worms for science. So although the posts may be further between and the content a little more hilariously Whole Foods-centric, it will still be me. I feel like I say this constantly, but you keep coming back for my inferiority complex, and I keep writing. Look, coconut water!But not just any coconut water. This is Harmless Harvest, whose sole purpose is to make you feel guilty about any pre-50’s Disney cartoon you ever witnessed where a character, most likely Donald Duck, whimsically pokes holes in a coconut to drink the water. Harmless Harvest wants you to know that that is murder, callous, first degree, premediated, delicious murder, and that they don’t stand for that shit. Also, sometimes their coconut water is pink. Harmless Harvest is the equivalent of every college co-operative Occupy stand in the middle of a student union, but with better graphic design and a fairly delicious flavor, unlike those collegiates. With this new cinnamon and clove flavor, Harmless Harvest has reluctantly entered the holiday game with a product that is surprisingly appetizing.
The distinguishing characteristic, outside of its mandatory pre-approved small, high-interest loan form with every bottle purchase, is how seamlessly it integrates the ‘holiday’ flavors with the coconut water without bombarding them. The coconut is still at the forefront of the palate while the spices provide something new to the flavor, but not cloying or candle-like. And it’s refreshing- it’s a spiced, iced drink that retains the holiday spirit without shoving it in your face like a certain Blumpkin Christ Blahtte, or whatever.
Happy holidays. I’ll be around, I swear. I’m just going out for a pack of cigarettes.