I am a child trapped in the body of a child with the brain of a Sartrian scholar, the breasts of an aging woman, and constant headaches. Thus, it makes perfect sense that at 11AM, I should be vapidly picking at Lunchables Breakfast selections after my morning coffee and commute. I picked up two varieties, Pancake Bacon Dippers and Cinnamon Roll Dippers, and instead of trading them for five Fruit Roll-Ups and a bag of crushed Doritos, I decided to consume a small part of them and then spend the rest of the day regretting it. This is surely an indicator of adulthood.According to Lunchables lore, aka, the wikipedia page that appears to be updated by one person, the carrier of the legend, Superwarrior5000. Bless you, good sir. Apparently Lunchables had an ill-fated breakfast back in the 90’s, so let’s prepare this article for its future fifteen minutes of Buzzfeed fame, ’45 things from the 90’s that you didn’t really miss but vaguely remember and will reblog for the sake of nostalgia and peer pressure.’ Hop-a!I tried the pancake dippers first. Bold move, O-S-C-A-R, going with the savory and the sweet. Unfortunately, cold pancakes have all the allure of oil-soaked bread, which is basically what they are, and the addition of ridiculously soggy syrup and fairly decent bacon pieces brings them up to wholly average. The pancakes disintegrated upon impact. The best thing you can do with this, as a conscientious parent taking advice from a childless gay, is to show your child the value of the paleo diet by replacing the pancake and syrup compartment with more bacon which, although cliche, is the best part of the meal. Kudos to Meyer for using decent chunks of hickory-smoked bacon.The cinnamon dippers hearken a simpler time- raisins, frosting that couldn’t be trusted to have its own compartment, and tiny cinnamon rolls. With these, I chose to straight-up annihilate them with raisins rather than employ the crumbling dipping technique. Part of a balanced breakfast, bitch. Visually, they were appealing, as if a child had made them, because a child basically did. Payard, I am not. These were almost appealing- were it not for the frosting, a gloopy, flavorless mess. Dropped the ball on that one, Wienermobile- the frosting is supposed to be the best part. Remember, just because Obama legalized horse consumption doesn’t mean you’re supposed to turn them into glue and feed them to kids. (Disclaimer: there is no horse in this product.)Overall, this is good for two types of children: your inner one that you hate, and the one who you can tell will genuinely enjoy bad Vegas buffets. When I leave for Vegas tonight, I’ll let you know how this stacks up. Suggestion for Lunchables- coffee is fine for all ages, please make mine a double.