I bought baby food with my gazpacho today, and no, this isn’t a roundabout way of coming out as a sexual deviant. This baby food caught my eye the minute I walked into the store, and from the moment I slurped my soup and gazed upon the hip horror that unfolded on my smartphone before me, I knew I had to give it the ol’ one-two Foodette.I’ve long since resigned to the fact that I am not the appropriate person to rear a child. Whether it’s a combination of childhood apathy, an almost Wes Anderson-like languid attitude toward my parents, or just a desire to not turn into Dr. Moreau with a little me running around, it’s safe to say that it really isn’t in the cards, until my ovaries start to cry out like they’re the protagonists in a bad Lifetime movie and I immediately start adopting cats. However, if I did have a baby, the baby would be hideously worldly and shipped off to boarding school at the age of five. Little gender-neutral Hugo would hate me despite the customized baby shirts, impeccable genes, and bow ties I lavished upon him. Or her. I imagine she would resemble a baby Ellen with Sartre glasses and the quintessential Watsky forehead crease mimicking deep thought. Can’t win ‘em all.In any case, little Hugo would be raised on a diet of foie gras and Cheerios, likely together as I’ll be experimenting in haute cuisine during my off-time as a ball busting M&A attorney, and also, this baby food as Mommy (Daddy!?) regales the speechless creature of her days in Arkansas, where this food is made. In the meantime, I’ll be vetting this on my own. According to the Oh, Baby page, I’m an experienced eater, which apparently means that the baby is able to skip GMO’s and read small excerpts of Proust in French. Also, this means that I don’t need to mix my puree with expressed breast milk, so level one babies can suck it. Literally.This is AmazeMint, which ‘tickles the palate’ with kale, spinach, apples, and spearmint sprigs. I’m not sure why a creature whose chief form of entertainment is bowel expulsion needs amazement and palate-tickling like they’ve got VIP seats for Queen of the Night, but to each his own baby food. Gerber, you’d better step up- life insurance isn’t enough with this guy in town. The cashier was enthusiastic about this being great for adults, too, so off I went with my baby food clutched in my hand. Thank goodness I paid my bills this morning or I’d have had a panic attack about my Millenial regression. This is delicious, but the mint makes it feel unsuitable for babies, because it tastes like the base of a really nice craft cocktail and also looks like something babies would make, not ingest. Did I drink it straight? I did. Did I also take the remainder and mix it with gin and tonic? I plead the fifth. Waaah.