Pearl Wedding Cake Vodka

Easter, you cruel beast. And Passover? I don’t even wanna talk about it. Never before have two holidays teamed up to attack my stomach, mind, and interpersonal skills as these have. I come from a culinary background dominant in traditionally Italian and Jewish food, so you can imagine how that goes. Needless to say, I have a few days’ worth of ham brisket matzah bread sandwiches with caramel egg matzo ball filling in between. Mmmmmm. Sandwiches.
So today you’ll have to excuse me as food is literally the least amazing thing I can think of right now. According to Family Feud host Louie Anderson, the top five answers were vintage cars, adorable puppies, prescription antacid drugs, treadmills, and alcohol. And because it’s wedding season and 54% of you are now stressing about how to fit into a dress, here’s the seasonally curious Pearl Wedding Cake Vodka. Here’s a confession I likely share with many wedding-goers across the country: I’m not too crazy about wedding cake. It’s a very visual medium. People ooh and ahh at it while they pose next to it for photos like it’s Duff Goldman himself and the end result is like owning one share of Disney stock. It sounds much more awesome as a whole and in reality, you only end up with a tiny, tasteless sliver that cost you more than you’re willing to admit. Life would be so much better if we could celebrate the sweet beginning of a new couple and also get trashed while we’re at it. Boom.
In a classic best of both worlds scenario, Pearl Wedding Cake vodka offers neither the simpering, saccharine burn of cheap shortening-based frosting nor the bland block of cake flour most companies pass off as cake. Its flavor is clean and simple- Pearl goes for the classic white wedding with a vanilla-dominant profile, kind of like cupcakes without carrying that aggressive pre-pubescent artificial scent. It brings a classic, if not entirely complex essence to your glass and brings a touch of class to your evening cocktail and could likely pack a one-two punch in both improving a terrible wedding and an awful cake. For fifteen bucks, it’s smoother than one might imagine. This is likely the cheapest and most entertaining gift for your bridesmaids and as a bonus, serves as something to pour on the semi-nude exotic dancer at the bachelorette party. Insert “goes down easy” joke here. A plus is that it will also likely outlast the Kardashian wedding and divorce process. Opah!

3 thoughts on “Pearl Wedding Cake Vodka”

  1. I’m really enthralled by all this wacky flavored vodka as of late, but I’m confused with what one does with it… Do you have to drink it straight? What can you mix with it? I bought chocolate chip cookie dough flavored vodka and could not figure out what to mix with it, short of milk (which is disgusting, IMO).

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