Ugh, this flavored wine specialty reads like the hate child of a poorly translated overseas food product and a Pinterest board doubling as a cry for help. This thing should come with a sticker that says, “I’m like an alcoholic, but for chocolate, and also, booze.” I found this in a Walgreens, which explains a lot. At first blush, you might think this is okay to ingest because of the sparse ingredient list, until you realize that it reads like the end of a Beckett novel. “Other than standard orange wine with cream, natural flavor, caramel color, and certified colors, in an instant all will vanish and we’ll be alone more, in the midst of nothingness.” The website claims wholesome usage of American ingredients. That must be the certified colors. Also worth mentioning is that the distributor also markets and makes ‘Squizzante’, which I’ve already taken the liberty to add to Urban Dictionary. I think I had a squizzante this morning. I’m a little dismayed that this is the first Midwest-local wine I’ve purchased. Sorry, Wiederkehr, Left Foot Charley, and Neumeier, I had to get the ‘ultimate drink experience,’ which apparently means something that visually falls in between a spilled iced coffee and a $14 martini at Applebee’s. Also, it’s a little disturbing to analyze the tagline, “six crazy great flavors, one crazy great taste.” I can only assume this is a reference to the flavor of your vomit once you’ve tasted peanut butter cup, coconut bar, peppermint patty, and chocolate-covered cherry liquor in one go. The wine has gone whole snog and has incorporated sparkling letters reminiscent of a shuttered bowling alley and a screw cap. The wine smells like Nesquik and tastes like Luden’s cherry cough drops infused in rubbing alcohol, two brands that should never intersect outside the belly of a seven year-old with a fever. I’ll give it this, it’s surprisingly smooth and lacks the harshness I’d expect it to have. That being said, it’s also disgusting- syrupy sweet with a strong scent and flavor of shelf-stable milk. The fact that it’s even housed in a wine bottle, rather than a Big Gulp or novelty bedazzled cup, much less labeled as a wine specialty, is an insult to enology, grapes, and any high-shouldered, punted receptacles. Orange wine makes purple drank look like something Christie’s would auction alongside an 1811 Yquem. Don’t buy this stuff, unless you’re like me and want the world to know that you’re purchasing chocolate-flavored wine, tampons, and a camcorder for the lulz.