It’s weird to find something that doesn’t exist on the internet. Here’s a small list of things that don’t exist there: people who live off the grid, trash, and the last season of Community. Yeah, Season 4 can suck it, I’m still bitter. And even those things can be googled or complained about on some sort of message board. Hell, even the world’s most tragic conversation can be found online. When something isn’t searchable it either doesn’t exist in reality or it’s creepy and gross. Here’s Hiland Dairy Farm’s Cupcake Milk. As you can guess, it literally cannot be Googled, and is featured nowhere on their website. I may have stumbled onto a grainy, terrifying prototype, sprinkles not included. So, what does cupcake milk taste like? Specifically, frosted cupcake milk, which should strike even more terror into your pancreas. The milk pours thick, like buttermilk or regular milk that hasn’t seen refrigeration for a week or two. It immediately smells and tastes like instant vanilla pudding. Imagine making instant vanilla pudding and literally not being able to wait the five minutes for it to set up and become pudding, so you drink it. First, you lack impulse control and should probably see a therapist. Second, that’s what this milk tastes like, so allow me to be your enabler and eliminate that pesky co-pay. It has a frothy, creamy aftertaste of plain milk but only at the back of the palate for a fleeting moment. For the most part, there’s a cloying, artificial flavor placing this squarely in the family of vanilla Tootsie Rolls and Boston Crème-flavored yogurt. Bad news bears, or rather, bad news ethyl vanillin. Finally, let’s address this ‘old recipe’ claim. Cupcake milk is apparently so old it’s virtually unknown. Am I going to wander into the rare book section of an archive and flip to a recipe for ‘Cup Cake Broth’ from a Quaker Friends cookbook from the mid 1870’s? Are there ancient Aztec formulas for bakery-infused dairy? This is not old, unless it’s referring to the trend from which this was borne. Cupcakes, jeez. 2007 called and they want their milk back. Ultimately, this does taste like a cupcake, but neither Crumbs’ finest nor grandma’s freshest does this hail from. This is day-old, school bake sale, last-minute PTA cupcake with food coloring-flavored frosting. Whether you’re into that is up to you.