A box of jerky came in the mail today. Why was this such perfect timing? As I was shrugging on my tight, fitted rainbow oxford underneath a distinguished but dirty v-necked t-shirt with the ever-enigmatic caption, “welcome to the champagne room” atop madras shorts and dock shoes, I checked my watch and hollered to Miss Love,
“Grab the jerky, we’re going to Pride.”
Yup, it was Noho Pride today and obvs, we went. And we came bearing jerky, but not just jerky appropriate for all demographics: manly jerky, or in this case, butchy jerky. Or a jerky butch, your call. The enclosed bumper sticker makes the egregious claim of being a throat-punching, aggressively masculine brand with guaranteed testiculized satisfaction. It extends this claim to its consumers, also fully bearded, beer-slugging, glass-punching men with testicles of hirsute, engorged nature, the likes of which only Paul Jesus Bunyan Pantysnatcher himself could have. For the sake of full disclosure, I feel that it is pertinent, for the sake of this review, to inform you, the reader, that I do not have balls. And for the sake of full disclosure, it is also worth noting that Blue Ox Jerky does have balls, the likes of which were proclaimed in their jerky. It was perfect- packed full of protein so that I had enough vocal power to shout pick-up lines at ladies riding motorcycles from across a crowded street and full of fiber so that using the provided grody port-a-potties was virtually unnecessary.
Just to clarify, Blue Ox Jerky is manly jerky, so we’ve compiled some things for you that are decidedly manly and unmanly, and supermanly.
The manliest thing ever. Nascar boner!
So, while this is definitely a jerky that could just as easily punch out a guy in a bar fight as it could cry at the end of The Notebook, we think that two chicks who bone are pretty qualified to review it. And evidently, so does Blue Ox- they sent over all this cool stuff to write about. Amongst the plethora were five kinds of beef and turkey jerky as well as some deep-fried peanuts. Definitely stuff I’m game to try out. Of the flavors sent over, we definitely liked the honey barbecue beef and turkey the best. While the beef definitely had more sinew than the turkey, a remarkable piece of meat as soft and yielding as a gummy bear made of flesh, both had a sweet and savory coating that we really enjoyed.
From a textural standpoint, the beef jerky was not as successful as the turkey was. They were a little splintery and tough, and with some of the larger pieces, we ended up feeling like we were dogs wrestling with Kong toys. It took more than a little muscle to bite off pieces. However, all the flavors were balanced and not oversalted. The black pepper and hot ‘n’ spicy varieties were both very spicy, but not overwhelming, and infused with heat. All varieties, both beef and turkey, received the Foodling Seal of Approval– here she is fishing the remnants of the turkey jerky out of a shot glass with the dexterity of a shot girl.
What really wowed me in this selection were the included varieties of deep-fried peanuts. And not just shelled peanuts- the package encourages you to pop ’em, shell and all, right into your mouth. Deep-fried protein in its original protective husk sounds pretty manly to me. Of the two varieties we tried, one tasted like eating vegetables disguised with spices and one did not. The cajun flavor fell into the former category, with an overly fibrous crunch and dull snap. Lightly spiced, they didn’t really deliver the snack-like sensation I expected and instead made me feel like I was trying to eat my daily recommended serving of doctor-recommended foods to ensure healthy digestion.
The peanut brittle peanuts, on the other hand, tasted like a completely different snack. The annoying stringy sensation was blanketed by a candy crunch and they delivered a uniquely satisfying, if unfamiliar, crunch. Think of these as the soft-shell crab of the snack world- the husk makes for a quirky textural barrier, but not a bad one at all. They have a little oil in them from the frying, but it only serves to enhance the nuttiness. All in all, they’re not too sweet nor too salty and offer a funky alternative to regular peanuts. I’d have these with a beer or two.
If you think you can handle it, man or ladyman, Blue Ox delivers a pretty solid product. Outside of some inconsistency between varieties, they definitely offer a good selection of jerky and peanuts and are packed full of flavor and a clear care for their product line. And with every order of Blue Ox, you are guaranteed to grow either a full penis (6.5 standard) or a grungy half-moustache or your money back.