(Adult) Capri Sun Big Pouch Maui Cooler

I grew up in the 90’s. Yes, I’m part of Generation X…for EXTREEEEEEME sports, television shows, utensils, clothing, spy kits, video games, stranger danger activity kits, and most importantly, snacks! I’ve taunted you before with displays of nostalgic food and beverages to delight your childlike tastebuds. And now, all of your dreams, (except for the one where you’re flying naked through space with Jessica Alba) are going to come true. Capri Sun has introduced its exact same formula in a larger, more adult-friendly pouch with Capri Sun Big Pouch. And for the sake of this review, we’ll call it Adult Capri Sun.

Let’s get one thing out of the way: there is a literal caribiner atop this extravagant mess. It’s a juice bag for those in the know, and chances are, if you’re calling it a juice bag and using its non-functional rip-top extreme cap, you might be best classified as something that rhymes with one, too. The new Capri Sun Big Pouch comes in three flavors, Maui Cooler, Strawberry Kiwi, and Fruit Punch, only one of which I’ve decided to review today.

Visually, this is a portable wine cooler meets Camelbak meets children’s beverage for people who rarely leave the house. The rhetorical question on the back of the bag, “What’s your traveling record?” is a bit of a joke for its core demographic likely doesn’t stray beyond the warm embrace of their mother’s basements. Insert fact about wakeboarding and other activities given up in the 90’s, generic disclaimer about fermenting Capri Sun, and you’ve got yourself a new drink. It’s worth noting that there was an iteration of this back in the mid-2000’s, the Capri Sun Big, but that basically bridged the gap for children who felt the need to get something a little stronger with a little more heft than their kid sister’s Fruit Punch. This is literally marketed toward adults with Facebooks and jobs.

Googling this yields little more than a Tradmarkia result. Luckily, we’ve got the scoop for you here. I can proudly proclaim that this is no different than any Capri Sun on the American market today. Your 88 cents and 11.2 ounces buys a thin, yet sugary mouthfeel, slightly sticky, and a generic blend of tropical-esque fruits and leaves with an aftertaste of stale bubblegum and apple juice. The only difference is that it comes housed in what looks like a used vaporizer for the discerningly extreme gentlemen. Pro tip: if you’re having sex with someone who has one of these looped to his belt like he’s getting in a quick one before he climbs Mount Discovery Zone, stop.

¬†Also, here are some facts so you know exactly how stupidly face-saving this packaging is. One of these costs around 88 cents. A pack of Capri Sun (10 pouches, 6.75 ounces) for little diaper babies costs $2.88 on average. The Big Pouches are 11.2 ounces, so one of them holds roughly 1.66 kid’s pouches. Basically, they’re charging you the cost of ten pouches for the liquid of five. ALL TO SAVE FACE AND LOOK LIKE AN ADULT WHO IS NOT DRINKING CAPRI SUN. However, this is good for one thing: at least with the resealable version you can drink half of it and fill the rest with actual booze. Enjoy your Rugrats orgies and Cousin Skeeter fanfiction.

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