Chicken-Fried Turkey Burgers

I blame this bird-on-bird action on the cats.

Mainly because they have a tendency to zone in on soft, squishy rolls and systematically destroy them. And I couldn’t let this one go to waste, you know? Of course, there are a few factors at hand here that, when you think about it, offer limitless concepts and creatures to blame this godless creation on. You could blame Rachael Ray. After all, it was her recipe that lodged itself in my head, forcing me to make this two days later. You could even go as far as to blame the gym. I don’t buy Ray-ray’s magazine, but you know who does? My utterly sadistic athletic club, that’s who.

I’d even like to take a moment to blame the LSAT. With less than two weeks before my future is defined (no pressure) I bribed myself with homemade French fries while correcting some mistakes on my most recent test. One thing led to another.
As you can see, there are quite a few justifications for a deep-fried turkey burger. I think the strongest evidence in support of this burger’s creation and swift demise is that turkey is too healthy. It needs help. Deep-fried chicken is overdone, deep-fried burgers and steak have come and gone, but turkey is a poultry Pollyanna. It needs to be slutted up a little, and for me, that involves hot oil and pounding. We all have our quirks.

And this, my friend, is a grade-A kinky-assed burger with a T on top.

I’m sure this in no way aids nor behooves you, but these are deceptively easy to make and yield moist, flavorful results. They can be as gussied up or gussied down as you please- for this burger, I went for a distinctly (and indulgently) Southern flavor profile with hot sauce, mayonnaise, and a little citrus barbecue sauce for acidity. If burgers were big cats, these would be tigers because they’re bulky and ferocious. Just try them. And then maybe go to the gym after and pick up US Weekly or Newsweek instead of a food magazine. Woof.

Chicken-Fried Turkey Burgers
Ingredients (makes 4 burgers for four people, or 4 burgers for one person. Pro tip: these refrigerate really well)
4 long soft sub rolls
3 cups of corn oil
1 lb of turkey, divided into 4 1/4 lb pieces
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon of pepper
1 garlic clove
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 cup bread crumbs
1/8 cup cornmeal
1 teaspoon of baking powder
2 eggs
A dash of hot sauce
Mayo, hot sauce, lettuce, tomato, and barbecue sauce as toppings

1. Cut your sub rolls in half and start heating the corn oil in a pot, on medium-high heat until bubbling gently. Toss in the garlic clove for flavor. On a plate, mix flour, bread crumbs, cornmeal, salt, and pepper. On another plate, beat egg and add hot sauce.

2. Form turkey into patties and dip in breading and egg. At this point, adding some beer to the batter would be killer. Once the oil is bubbling, gently place the patties in, making sure none are touching and that they are all partially submerged in the oil. Pray. Let them cook on one side for about five minutes. When they are evenly golden brown and crispy, flip to the other side and let them cook another three minutes.

3. When they’re fully cooked, place them on a plate lined with paper towels or a brown grocery bag and let them drain. Place them on your sliced rolls, load with toppings, and inhale. These keep wonderfully (mine stayed crispy after I took a bite and immediately refrigerated it because it was too good to keep eating at 12:17 at night) The verdict? Best 3AM early breakfast I’ve ever had.

My world is straight up, downright gestalt right now. Come on over.

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