Archer Farms Gyro Wood-Fired Crust Pizza

Where will Big Pizza stop? It seems like they’ll chuck anything on a crust for the world to listlessly chew, alongside their doughzac/pepperonazepam cocktail, while watching reruns of Honey Boo Boo. Just keep chewing. For those of you still trapped in a pizza wasteland, namely, anywhere outside of Connecticut, Archer Farms has some weird solutions for your topping woes. They’re making it rain with strawberries, green beans, brie, pear, and now, everyone’s favorite late-night meatfest, gyro.DSC_8499
Great. Now I’ll be up all night wondering what kind of degenerate eats uncooked frozen pizza. Thanks, disclaimer.DSC_8500Topped with gyro meat, yogurt sauce, feta cheese, tomatoes, and onions, it has everything you could want, plus the added complication of hand-oven coordination that might make you remember eating it in the first place. I cooked this sucker up and ate it over the sink. Ambiance, boom. It smelled extremely promising- redolent with mint, garlic and lemon. From the looks of the crust, Archer Farms went for a pita homage and made it fluffier, with a thin center. Unfortunately, it had a crumbly, yielding texture, reminiscent of nutritional food pellets- the kind you’d feed to animals at a petting zoo. You know what I’m talking about, and if you don’t identify with this shared aspect of childhood, it means mine was little more than a simulacrum of reality and never happened at all. Right, Buzzfeed?DSC_8503The toppings are sparse and spartan, with dime-sized pieces of what I’m dubbing ‘solved mystery’ meat, and shaggy smearings of vegetables and sauce. Is Target trying to make some sort of statement on the Greek economic crisis? Too soon, Target, too soon. This is a very dry pizza. The yogurt sauce, lacking the comforting blanket of a greasier cheese, completely evaporated during cooking, leaving little more than a gloopy slick atop the crust and a funky aftertaste, overly heavy on the lemon.DSC_8501This leaves the caraway-tinged meat, which, while tender, disappears in a vague, salty softness like a bad meatball. The feta is appropriately tangy, but that’s about all that comes out of it. I frequent an excellent Mediterranean market. This gyro pizza is about as satisfying as a Victoria’s secret catalogue when you’re used to the real thing. Archer Farms typically makes very tasty pizzas. This is not one of them.


5 thoughts on “Archer Farms Gyro Wood-Fired Crust Pizza”

  1. Now that Gen Z is gleefully returning to pre-literate sight and sound telecom (graphics and audio only), yours, dear pitiable child, was far less than a simulacrum of reality and therefore never happened to this new millennium which, in a nanobeat, skipped from ‘live-and-let-live’ to ‘plug ‘n play or die’.

    1. Or make a video game on it. The titles are endless: Grand Theft Gyro Pizza; Dungeons and Hearty Kitchen; Hot Nintendogs.

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