Chuao Ravishing Rocky Road Bar

Fifty Shades of Single Origin Hell (Part 1 of 13) 
Erotic chick-on-choc action in the style of E.L James
By Winterbottom Foodeater

I’m not perfect. Far from it, in fact. I scowl at myself in the mirror daily. Damn my hair. Damn my life. Both so omnipresent, so flowing and golden, and yet, so unruly and stubborn at the same time. It was like my hair was trying to tell me not to meet with Chuao that day.

“But hair, I have to,” I said, trying to tame the tangled, golden locks of gossamer silk unicorn hair with a unicorn-bone hairbrush. “Don’t you know that Chuao has a new chocolate bar out today? Chuao, the impossibly young, successful company taking the world by storm?” I could do little to quell my anticipation, the rise of anxiety in my stomach. There were rumors about Chuao. That they dabbled in…different flavors, like bacon and maple, and toasted breadcrumbs. But there was no time for that. I had to interview Chuao for my scrappy, up-and-coming food blog, and this was my only chance to do so. Chuao’s time was so very, very precious.

I glanced around the office. I didn’t belong here, I thought to myself as I looked at the polished, recently redesigned white labels. White, white, everything was white, with a bold typeface and the sensual oozing of ordinary foods on the packages. “Raising ordinary to the…unordinary,” I murmured to myself.

“Isn’t it?” I gasped. I had hardly heard Chuao step into the room, so soft was its footfall. Turning around, I was surprised to see an impeccably clad bar, head-to-toe in steel grey, my favorite color, with only a white tie to break the single-colored harmony of the entire outfit. “Chuao,” I said, stepping forward, my world tilting and my voice cracking. How did it have such a power over me? How was it able to make me swoon like this? It was almost as though they’d conducted extensive marketing research, discovering the ways to make girls like me fall under their power.

“Please,” they said, “Call me Rocky. Ravishing Rocky Road, but just Rocky is fine,” they said, slipping off the grey suit and tie to reveal an intricate milk chocolate base, studded with marshmallows and salted, caramelized almonds. I could barely look away. It was so attractive…so…appetizing.

“Well, then,” I said, trying to ignore the tingling in my stomach. They were so attractive! “Let’s get started with our interview. I read in your press release that you have all-natural, vegan marshmallows. Why vegan?” Chuao smiled, and it was then that I noticed how glossy and smooth its milk chocolate base was, tightly coating the toppings with an elaborate, leafy pattern on top. It must have cost a fortune. “Well, Miss…may I call you Jessica?” The way they pronounced my name was so much more exotic than I’d ever heard it before. I was dying to hear them say my full name, Jessica Miraculous Sexy Bootylicious Diana Artemis Snookie God McJesuserson, just so that I could hear them pronounce all of those words, too. Hearing them speak was like music to my ears.

I do it for the kids, Jessica. The vegan kids without parents. Let’s just put it this way. Squeeze my marshmallow.” I reeled back, caught off guard. “Wh…what?” “Squeeze it, right there. Feel how soft and plush it is. It’s all natural, Jessica.” I put my hand out and felt the plush, chewy candy, a boozy vanilla scent emanating from its core. It felt so smooth, so luxurious, that I couldn’t help but delicately brush my fingers over the craggy, toned almonds, jutting from the bar like perfectly exercised muscles. They were so salty and masculine, so rugged in comparison to the smooth, silky mallows and chocolate, pausing at a jagged crack. “You’re broken,” I whispered. “Who did this to you?” Chuao’s eyes darkened and they pushed back the chair, our eyes blazing in tandem, each refusing to back down. The ultimate contrast. The ultimate surrender.

“I…I have to go!” I rose from my chair and sprinted out of the factory, my thoughts lightyears and miles ahead of me. The bar was so well-composed, but so deep in its flavors and salted nuances. Could it be that Chuao had a darker side? A troubled, more deep, darker side, like in the ocean with sharks and anglerfish? I knew I couldn’t find out, for fear that I’d fall in love with Chuao- no! with Rocky any longer…

To be continued…

5 thoughts on “Chuao Ravishing Rocky Road Bar”

  1. I dont like the review. I dont mind reading stories, but it leaves me with no information about how the product tastes overall or your like or dislike of it. Consider this one reader who is not coming back

  2. Dear Anonymous,

    As you can see, this was a feature I did for a short time on the site. There were some kinks here and there, and I later adjusted the format to separate the review and the story. I certainly don’t think this is representative of what the site has to offer and sincerely hope that you will come back. I have a lot of fun writing this site and I’m proud of what I do. Your criticism is much appreciated and helps me design a better site!


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