Zotter Mitzi Blue Hemp Plantation Bar

Zotter! The holy grail of chocolate! You have no idea how excited I am to try this for the first time. This falls somewhere between the acquisition of our kitten and my 6th birthday party. A pony was involved. Shit got real pretty fast. It’s also worth noting that I basically have one week left before I officially have to start caring about politics. Many blogs, politically inclined or not, may be mentioning the Healthcare Reform Act, psychotic New York Elmo, or the end of Stolen Valor. Not this guy. I have exactly one more week of blissful apathy. Once I get my LSAT scores, it’ll be time for me to become an informed adult. I’ve heard of those. And soon, I shall become one.
But for now, a little legal relaxation with the new Zotter Mitzi Blue Hemp Plantation Bar, courtesy of Newleaf Chocolates, with hemp nougat, hemp seeds, and milk chocolate. BYOIABADR, if you will, meaning, Bring Your Own Incense and Bong and Drug Rug, but the hemp is here, baby. Delicious, delicious hemp seed. This is also one of the most visually stunning bars I’ve seen in a while. It looks like a minimalist Kit-Kat with the way it’s arranged. I can’t decide if I want to frame it or take a bite out of it.

The flavor is also fantastic. While a little more muted than I anticipated, the milk chocolate provides a solid backup flavor. It’s very caramel-heavy, with a slightly, but not really detectably salty undertone and a distinct milkiness. Due to its richness, the nuttiness of the hemp tends to get lost if you’re not biting into a nougat circle, which happens roughly 2 out of every 3 bites. The circular composition of the bar also guarantees an uneven distribution of toppings. But damn, it’s pretty. The hemp nougat is my favorite part. It tastes like concentrated halvah candy.

Today, on Fifty Shades of Single Origin Hell…our heroine arises from a dark encounter with an even darker bar. No, not 100% from the deepest, darkest forests of Madagascar, but a bolder fear! Porcini mushroom truffles!

When I woke, Porcini was standing over me. I arose. Despite that I’d slept on a bed that felt as though it were made of unicorn feathers and the gently harvested tears of orphaned baby giraffes, my body ached from the trials I’d undergone the night before. Suddenly, it all came back to me. Mushrooms. The Brown Room. Oh, my god…

I rushed to my phone. Oh my god. I had no missed phone calls, and no missed texts. Nobody had called to see where I was for the last eight hours and why I didn’t come back to my cat-filled apartment. I furrowed my brow. Nobody had even commented to see why I didn’t add to my 20-part feature, 30 Ways to Spice Up Your Relationship with Exotic Spices. (Tip 16: Pepper fight!) It was like they didn’t even care when I missed a day of blogging! I humphed. Suddenly, Porcini was behind me, a peculiar piece of chocolate in their hand.

“Here, try this,” they said, handing it to me. “I grow it in my backyard. I call it Merkwelt.” I took a piece anxiously. After what I’d experienced in the room last night, I didn’t know what to expect. “Eat it,” they said, a domineering opnipotence thundering from their mouthhole. Their voice softened. “Its scientific name is the Zotter Mitzi Blue Hemp Plantation, previously only available in Austria. But I know a guy.” I took some. It was soft, smoother than I’d expected. I coughed.

Porcini laughed. “There are a few seeds in this, but they’re harmless. Be careful, and take small bites.” I took a little more, my palate adjusting to the strange, yet smoky flavors. “It’s really strong,” I said. The chocolate was so intense and smooth, and so beautiful in design. The flavors culminated in a gentle, nutty aftertaste of smooth hemp nougat, delicate and almost grassy in flavor.

Suddenly, I felt a lot better. It was as though my brain had been replaced with a calming, centering oasis, and that oasis had been replaced with a placebo effect! I giggled like someone who had literally never taken anything stronger than a baby aspirin before. Porcini would predictably find my naivete adorable! “Is this bar…is this, like, the same as like, weed?” Porcini smiled broadly. “No, you’re just inexperienced. Hemp is harmless, with the exception that it contains more essential fatty acids than many foods. ” They were so smart! Possibly even the smartest, richest thing alive. They were like a rich, shroomy, young, baby supergenius.

“Come on,” said Porcini. “Let’s go grind in my Audi!” And off we went, unaware of the mortal danger that awaited us in the luxury vehicle…

To be continued…

7 thoughts on “Zotter Mitzi Blue Hemp Plantation Bar”

  1. Yawn. Darling, that’s vanilla where I come from. Come back when you come up with some better dares or at least, some slightly less lackluster insults. Cheers!

  2. Shut the fuck up you peice of shit. I hear when you were a child your mother wanted to hire somebody to take care of you, but the mafia wanted too much.

    1. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the mafia comment. Definitely much friendlier than my writing. There’s a sophomoric, puerile style to your writing that mine lacks.

      Perhaps you can guest post as the anti-bitch. We could corner the world of food reviews, Anon!

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