NeuroPassion

How do I go about explaining the NeuroPassion? Let me think. Because I’ve never had the gleeful humiliation of walking into a convenience store and paying for a Hustler, it might be a little difficult to compare. At least it’s easier than checking out at the supermarket with nothing but a carrot and Vaseline.

 NeuroPassion bombs the consumer with keywords and strategic bolding. It “helps you push yourself to the limit” because “passion is powerful” and “it’s what gets you up.” Would it help me spell things out more clearly if I told you the original name of this, uhhhh, supplement was NeuroGasm?

Shaped like a Freudian rocket dick in manly Harvard crimson, it’s the potable equivalent of a Porsche or Maserati. Flashy outside, full to the brim with pomp, circumstance, and bullshit. Performance. Passion. Drive. Function. Stamina. Carbonation. When I typed those, did you instantly feel any more driven, passionate, or carbonated? Of course you didn’t, but that’s exactly what NeuroPassion tries and fails to do. This is the liquid version of anyone you’ve ever wanted to punch in the teeth, although better revenge would be giving a bottle of this to one of those people, watching them palm the yielding, yet firm texture and raise it to their lips. Take photos. Ask questions. It’s glaringly awful in design and makes cigars look innocuous in comparison. Inside, the drink is the same color as the outer labels, with a tinny, vitamin-enhanced scent. The nose is blatant prison wine a la Flintstones daily vitamins. And lucky you, you get to drink it. Or just keep it at the back of your nightstand drawer. Your call.

It’s vaguely tropical, vaguely sweet, and tastes like sugar, water, and endless nights alone. Dizzy with misery, you’ll be asking yourself, “Why does this taste like a rejected Cosmopolitan at a sorority bartending class?” And then you’ll realize, glancing at the label and phallic bottle, that you’ve answered your own question. Because it does. This was clearly marketed for people who have an extra $3.39 burning a hole in their pocket and a thirst that lowly pedestrian Vitamin Water simply can’t quench. They want exclusivity and choose to take a break from their organic, raw, cruelty-free coconut Civet-cat water to try this and pay dearly.

 NeuroPassion preys on the weak and feasts on the morons who buy into this. It’s less stamina in a bottle and more therapy in a bottle, but unfortunately, all you get is the placebo effect. 

7 thoughts on “NeuroPassion”

  1. This is great – I see my co-workers coming up from the crappy cafe downstairs carrying this. Trust me, it probably cost more than 3.39. Another co-worker actually has the weight loss version of the drink. I must admit, I was curious, but 1 look at their website cured that.

    I will save my money for when Vitamin Water goes on sale 😀

  2. Your review is ignorant, and full of bias.

    I’m not saying I like Neuro, or whether it’s good or bad, but it’s selling point is definitely not a placebo effect. One glance at the ingredients shows this.

  3. It costs $2.75 in California. And I enjoy drinking it. Its a very good drink. I love all of the Neuro drinks (except NeuroSport, which tastes like dishwater) and I’ve never “payed dearly” for buying them. I have always been a satisfied customer. And by the way, I have always loved drinking this stuff and I think your critique is a bunch of crap. First off, I do not drink Vitamin water. I am not a lonely soul. And I am not the organic, raw, cruelty-free coconut Civet-cat water person. I am not weak or a moron. So you don’t like it. Your a critic, that’s fine. But understand not everyone is going to agree with you and calling those that do “lonely”, “weak” and “morons” just makes you look like an ass who doesn’t care for others opinions. Before I leave, I’d just like to ask to see your wondrous products and see how they are and how well they sell. All I’m saying is if you think you can do better, then put your money where your mouth is.

  4. In the New Orleans region, it goes for about $2.49. I’ve heard of it being cheaper elsewhere, too. While the taste is nothing to write home about, it is no worse than most energy drinks. Actually, it goes down smoother than most, especially Red Bull. As for the ingredients, one interesting one is SerinAid, which I find to create an effect almost like rolling. While my sex drive does not go up at all, I do find my concentration increases considerably and that music sounds a lot better, especially techno. Its almost like an energy drink that goes straight to your head without any jitters. I have also tried Neuro Bliss, whose effects are similar to Kava, but I find if I want to be in a good mood, you can’t do much better than Passion.

  5. I actually find it helps me concentrate. I like the taste and it’s cheaper than my school’s coffee shop. After drinking neuropassion, I sat down and typed my notes, about 15 pages of endocrinology, which has NEVER happened before. Maybe it’s the placebo effect or science, either way it’s worth $2.50.

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